- 4 years ago
- Wedding: June 2015
So Im going annoymous because i feel bad for writing this post, but I am so conflicted and just…ahh i dont even know. Im sure people could figure out who I am but thats fine. Warning, very long, so sorry but my thoguhts all spilled forth- Im crying now typing this in the basement, silently, so no one hears me…
So my husband and I moved in with my father 5 months ago after my mom passed away. My dad has gone through a lot in life, so,so many surgeries for a work related accident from before I was even born and has some scar tissue surgery every couple of months. And lately, he has been falling a lot during the night, half sleep issues/ I think half his leg maybe giving out/half asleep?
Anyway, I am the youngest of 3 siblings by 8 years, and at age 27, and since the only one without kids, we wanted to help of course, and it kind of fell on us as well, since they have families.
When my mom was here and also when she was sick, my siblings were over here 3-5 times a week, for at least the almost 2 years she was fighting cancer. They both live 15 minutes away so it really isnt far.
Well, now my sister does phone everyday, but they are up here maybe at most, at most, once every 2 weeks? And my dad has to play around with his mediciation if he drives short distances, BUT again i digress, so if he wants to see them more, he has to drive which isnt the best, but they like him going up there a lot to visit.
So why do i feel bad about writing this post? Because I love my father dearly and truly want the best for him, for us, and our entire family, but I truly dont feel like Im even living my life anymore, let alone as a married couple and I dont know what to do.
I am happy we are here in the sense to help him, not even neccessarily helping him physically, as he is capable of much and all ( walks does everything) but more for companionship and if he falls in middle of night etc. …EXCEPT..heres the conundrum,,
I love my husband dearly but sometimes, it doesnt even feel like we have a marriage anymore- not that we dont love each other, or are aruging or such but we have no alone time whatsoever, no privacy, no real time to connect and just be ourselves. My dad goes to the doctors 2 days a week and other than that, he doesnt do anything else, literally. He has no hobbies, nothing to really keep him occupied other than when he has some issues on the toilet, which can keep him their a few hopurs, and thats it. I work from home largely, and finishing another degree, but when my husband comes home from work, my dad gets excited to see him( which is cute and I love that he gets along with so well with my hubby) but from that moment on, we dont have any alone time. My dad sleeps alot during the day and is honeslty awake so much of the night. So from the time my husband gets home to 11pm at night, my dad is there, and he talks non stop… I love him dearly, but there is no stopping the talking. And asks questions 24/7. And obviosuly, he is still grieving my mom, which we are all are but it is most hardest on him, so I truly understand that, but I can barely have a conversation with my husband ever. And if I do, he always ask ” what?whats that you say? what are you guys talking about?” all the time so there is no private conversation. My dad has a fairly large house ( 2400 sq feet) but you can hear EVERYTIHNG in this house, which is strange since its only 25 years old. When he is up in his bedroom walking around, it sounds like boom boom boom, downstairs in the living room and there is no private space whatsoever for us. We dont have our own living quarters in the house, the basement is underfinished, there is just a small unfinished room that has a couch down there but very uncomfy and none of our couchs can fit through the doorframe since its so narrow, so we cant exchange the couch so again, we literallt, have no privacy.
We sleep in the bedroom I grew up in, whcih is literally 2 doors down from him, and right beside the computer room, which of course, he is on and waking me up at sometimes, all hours of the night. Typing away while we can hear it right next to our bed…So if you can hear someone typing all hours of the night, you can of course, hear everything else too! So there is hardly EVER any opportunity for sex- and we got married under a year ago!And we used to have a good sex life! With my husband in his early 30’s and me at 27, its worse then in your teenage years when you tried to sneak away to get some air outside away or to make out or what not. We feel as if we teenagers again but not in a good way at all! We constantly have to have our ears open, whether he is coming down the stairs because he will just come down or up the stairs randoml, so there is NEVER any guarateed alone time. We have to have sex on the couch downstairs now, rushing to “Get er done” just to do it, in case he comes down, its ridiculous. The other day, we were both going upstairs to try and sneak away for once, and he asked “oh are you guys going out?” Nope just ..fixing something dad upstairs in our room…”Oh can i help? I want to help, let me come with you…” =And I appreciate his willingness to always help i do, but we cant even leave the room without him asking, “what are you doing? where you going? wheres mike? is mike going to bed? ” etc etc.
Also, along with privacy, I asked him to knock on our bedroom if he wants to talk with us when we are sleeping etc. Well, we sleep naked( for as long as I can rememver we have) and what does he do one weekend morning at 8 am- just barges in and yells my names” blank, look at this cool thing I want to show you!” I yelled at him that day for privacy, more of what we just dont have. He didnt mean it intentially but it doesnt take away from the fact, we cant even be alone in our bedroom without him maybe coming in by accident. So, having sex, ha, who wants to have sex when you think he may be in the other room on computer or by accident may come in? not us!
So as I said previously, he falls a lot in the middle of the night, and hurt his back once, hurt his wrist, and hurt his side and his head- so I have been trying to figure out whats going on and get to the bottom of this as obviously, it can be really dangerous, what if he falls down the stairs once or worse? But we always wake up numerous times in the middle of the night, sicne hes falling, and my husband helps get up in the middle of the night to help see if he needs help. My dad is 58, very very stubborn and even though he should use a cane at times, will never use it as he is just that stubborn. But while my siblings call and see, they dont come over and help. And as much as that sometimes it frustrates me for it being all on my shoulders, to be honest, i feel more frustrated for my dad, who I know could use their love and caring to come over more and not him making the effort. Yes I get it, they have families, but they friggin made the effort for my mom the last 2 years, and they love my dad, so they can make the effort for him too as well. I ve mentioned to them, they agree, but then only changes for a week and then back to normal. My brother commented once well, he has a family- wel lthats lovely, I understand I do, but part of having a family is sometimes making sacrifices to be there for other family
So in that context, its left on us largely to carry the burden, to “Entertain” him so to speak. Since he doesnt have a lot of friends that he sees often, no activies really as him, no hobbies, and my mom and him did EVERYTHING together, and him not working except 2 doctors appointments, he wants to hang out with us a lot. Andwe have definitly helped him and hung out with him lots: my husband brings him to football parties there normally wouldnt be dads at but he wanted to bring my dad, NBA basketball games he got tickets for- with my dad going instead of me going, out for tea with my husbands parents, out for breakfast, to the casino hours away, and etc and etc…My siblings- other than to ask him to come over to their house or to babysit- they havent brought him anywhere or really done a lot with him.
So this burden falls on our shoulders. And my dad isnt a burden and I feel bad for saying or writing it, but I truly dont feel like Im 27 or that my husband and I are newly married. I feel more stressed that I ever have been, my husband even admitted sex is the last thing on his mind lately as he says it just doesnt feel the same when we constantly have to lsiten and be rushed like we’re teenagers living in our parents house and I feel the exact same.
I dont want to resent my father, but I dont mine and my husbands marriage and our lives to be held back at the same time too. One other plus of moving back in mwith my dad( though this wasnt the reason at all) was the plus of saving some money on rent( and still helping him out too, although luckily, his mortgage is paid so he isnt struggling finacillay but he do help out)to eventually, in 2 years time, to save for a house. But now with all the stress, and no alone times and some frustration, we are buying food out more often, go out just to get out one day a week and end of spend a lot of money we would be saving, to try and get some sanity if we can, which really, defeats the whole purpose and doesnt get us ahead, so to speak, at all. But truly, if we didnt do this, I think I wouldnt have lost my sanity months ago.
I just dont know what to do anymore. I want to be here for my dad, i LOVE him lots and he truly is one of the nicest people, always willing to lend a hand, but he treats me as a 16 year old in his house, instead of a married, grown adult 27 year old. My 31 year old husband and I have no privacy and its truly is affecting us- i miss the old us so much! We cant even just have a converdation the 2 of us any longer without leaving the house…..I miss my mom so much, and now, I also miss the companship she gave my dad too. My dad slept over at my sisters one night 3 weekes ago, and my goodness, my marriage felt alive again, we truly realixed just how much it was impactingus living at my dads house…
My dad is depressed now a little too so I cant really see him joining any clubs, organiations or meeting new people. I feel bad, so I include him, but then my husband and I have no alone time/couple time and its not healthy for us at all. I know these issues are bugging my husband too, and he is so patient and loving, but even he is getting tired of all the questions, and non-stop covnversation with my dad starting as soon as he walks in the door. My dad gets excited someone else to talk to I guess and watch sports with, he just asks 24/7 questions about sports and the game so there is never a second to rest.
It sounds so bad because we have gone through something so major with losing our rock, my amazing mom, and I want to be here for my family, but at the same time, I need my marriage to work and sometimes, I wish we would just get a great job offer across the country or the world, just to escape and be us again….Im envious of my siblings- they got to go on with their own lives, their own children, their own houses and sort of move on- but we have just been stuck. Im satarting to resent them a little, which isnt good but they just dont put in the effort that is needed at all, especialy if he falls or such, its all on us. We have a nice ” thnk you guys for being there, so happy you are there. I dont know what we would do if you guys werent there to help.” But words are words. Thats nice, but what about them coming over to help cook dinner or such, maybe more than once every 2 weeks.
I dont know what to do…So sorry for the long, long, long rant but my thoughts are truly all over the place and I dont know what to do. I want to be there for my dad, my family, but Im carrying this burden of everytihng and I need to live my own life too- with some privacy. With an open big house, but absolutely no privacy, its so hard to have a happy, healthy marriage. I love my husband to death, but I dont even feel like sex anymore or any romance or anything.
If anyone as any advice, I could sure use it today! I am so lost and confused…I wish for so many things but I am confused right now in life, and thoguht life would be confusing after my moms passing but never thought it would be this bad…