(Closed) So confused with life.Living w/ father after moms passing but effecting marriage

posted 4 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
178 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

Why not organise with your siblings that once a month they each have him for an overnight sleepover so that he can spend time with his grandchildren and you and hubby can have a date night. it would be one night a month for each of them but for you guys thats once a fortnight (better than nothing!)

Post # 3
Member
2677 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012 - Southern California

I would probably sit your siblings down and explain to them the toll it is taking on you and your marriage. Maybe your dad can stay at their house for a weekend each. That gives you & your husband two weekends a month. Otherwise, maybe see if you guys can afford an overnight caretaker for your dad so you can move out and not have to worry about him falling in the middle of the night. Also, without constant help, he will have to use that cane to be more independent. I don’t know. Good luck though, OP. You really are doing a great thing!

Post # 4
Member
593 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

Start applying for jobs elsewhere. Short of your father moving into a retirement village, I don’t think you’ll be getting out of this situation anytime soon. Then, once you have a job offer, tell your siblings and they need to decide whether to take him on or have the conversation about him going into an assisted living facility.

You are young, you aren’t your fathers caretaker. You aren’t the only child and shouldn’t be the only one helping out. Don’t be a martyr and let this ruin your marriage while your siblings get to live their lives, do something about it and get out before it breaks you.

Post # 5
Member
2762 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

View original reply
karamellokoala:  yup, this. Start applying to jobs elsewhere. Mostly because I don’t see you starting the conversation about assisted living for your dad without that job offer. 

However, what you really need to realize is that you are not and CANNOT be a stand-in for your mom or a surrogate spouse. You’ll lose your own in the process. 

Post # 6
Member
348 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2017 - Combermere Abbey

First of all, you are doing a great thing and should be proud of yourself. I cannot imagine what it must be like to lose a wife after so many years of marriage. Your dad sounds incredibly lonely and my heart goes out to him. However being a sole carer for anyone is tough. Your siblings need to step it up. Their dad is family too, no excuses. I would be firm with them. Your family (you and SO) is just as important as theirs and deserves quality time too.

Post # 7
Member
900 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

View original reply
annoymous1011:  I read all of your post. What an amazing person you are. Your dad is so lucky to have such a caring and thoughtful daughter and I am sure your mom would be proud of you.

But… )And I hope you don’t mind me saying this since I don’t know you or your mom) I am sure your mom would want YOU to live your life too. She would hate for your marriage to be suffering, although your husband sounds like a gem.

I say this because I really want you to feel it is ok to not want to be living with your dad at the moment, and to stop feeling guilty. Doesnt mean you love him any less bee.

I think you and your siblings need to go out together and sit down and form a plan. I know they have kids and responsibilities of their own but you have a life as a newlywed and you are studying. They are different responsibilities but your life is no less valuable than theirs. There needs to be an agreement to share the socialising. Maybe they can agree to come once a week each? 

And you and your husband can then go out those two nights, watch a film, go for a walk, whatever. it doesn’t have to be expensive, you can still save for your house, but you can get the quality time together.

Maybe once your siblings begin sharing the ‘workload’ (you know what I mean), you and your husband will feel comfortable enough to find a place of your own. You can still get somewhere nearby, still pop over even once a day if you feel like you want to, but you still get your alone time. 

Post # 8
Member
1586 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

Could assisted living or a retirement village be an option? It sounds like your dad has high needs, and is also quite lonely, what with the non-stop conversation. He might not be open to the idea at first but you could at least open the discussion.

If that is totally off the table, where I live, local councils offer respite care for people who are considered carers (you would probably qualify). Someone comes in say, once a week to take your dad out so you could have the house to yourself, or to stay home while you go out.

If that’s also out then your siblings need to step up. I would tell them the truth, that you and your husband are emotionally exhausted and need some help. Just because you don’t have children doesn’t mean you should have sole responsibility here. 

Post # 9
Member
3535 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2015

I mean is in the nicest way possible, but it’s not your siblings’ responsibility to entertain your dad. And it’s not yours either. Your mother way sick and dying, that’s why they visited so much. Your dad is young!  I think visiting once every two weeks is great, I haven’t seen my mom in months and we just saw DH’s mom for the first time in 6 months. 

Like I said before, your dad is young, so is there a plan with you guys not being his live in companions for the next 25 years?  I think you guys need to prioritize your marriage over purchasing a house right now and get your own space. You can still visit him every day if you wish, but then you won’t have him right there all the time. You are a saint and I don’t know how you’ve done it this long. Like a pp mentioned, a retirement community would be great for him as he would be forced to make friends. 

I feel for you, I really do. This is a tough situation. 

Post # 10
Member
79 posts
Worker bee

I am so very sorry for your loss. My sincerest condolances to you and your family. My future Mother-in-Law has Primary Progressive Aphasia, a form of Dementia. She has had it for two years now, and is just turning 60 this year. I left a really good, secure job in September last year to help her. My Fiancé (he is 24 and I am 23) is an only child, so all of her care during the day has fallen to us (her husband takes care of her once he gets back from work). It is very stressful to say the least, and I cannot talk to her let alone have a relationship with her. I do not know what she is without this sickness and it’s very sad. Without us taking care of her, she would be alone for 11 hours out of the day. She lives in the middle of nowhere and the nearest hospital is a good 45 min drive (up to an hour possibly). It has definitely taken a toll on our relationship. There is so much stress in the house and we really don’t have any time to enjoy ourselves, or enjoy being us.

I am so sorry for the tangent and for it being so long. My piece of advice (and what my Fiancé and I have decided to do eventually) is have him in a retirement community of sorts. If that is not possible, have a caretaker come in to clean the house and entertain him. Insurance may cover it, so it may be free or you may have to pay a small amount. It would give you and your Husband a few hours to yourselves.

I am sorry it is a tough situation to be in, but know that you’re an angel. 🙂

Post # 11
Hostess
4458 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

I have not been in your position, but my Future Mother-In-Law has. Though she’s older, she’s been the sole caretaker of her mother for over 20 years. It has taken a huge toll on her. After she lost her spouse, she didn’t date for 10 years because she was too busy taking care of her mom. She remarried nearly 5 years ago and they haven’t been able to go on a honeymoon, not even for one night in a local hotel.  They never get to travel together or go on a date night.  She greatly resents her sister for not taking a more active roll, even though her sister was clear that she did not want that responsibility and thought their mother should be in a nursing home. FI’s grandmother has been quite ill for years and I can tell that Future Mother-In-Law is exhausted, physically and emotionally. I don’t want that to be you bee. I would bring up the idea of an assisted living facility with your siblings and have it be a team effort if you’re going to approach the subject with your father. Explain to your siblings exactly how much of a toll this has been taking on your marriage. Please try not to feel guilty. Anyone would be overwhelmed in your situation and you are not a bad person for wanting to live your life as a newlywed.

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 4 months ago by  missinthecity.
Post # 12
Member
1547 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

View original reply
annoymous1011:  I’m sorry you’re going through this. I know I would do the same as you if need be and that I would probably harbor the same feelings you have as well. To be honest, I would have a meeting with all the siblings, maybe even print out your post to show it to them. They need to realize that you guys need more help with your dad.

Where your siblings aren’t there to witness the day to day things with your dad they can’t really understand your situation. They probably have good intentions but the thought of him gets brushed aside with all the things that need to happen with kids, jobs etc. Though they still need to help more, even if they can’t do as much as you. I like the idea that someone suggested above about your dad visiting each sibling for an overnight once a month, that sounds very reasonable to me.

Another thought is maybe get a dog for your dad, a midle age or older shelter dog that is trained and looking for a home. That would give your dad some companionship and you and your husband could escape for some nightly walks with the dog? It would also give your dad something to tend to during the day.

Post # 13
Member
1547 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

View original reply
annoymous1011:  I know some people have suggested assisted living but TBH I don’t think that is a good idea. 58 is young! Plus if he doesn’t want to use a cane I don’t think he will want to go into assisted living. I think assisted living would be a good option if he was having a difficult time getitng around as well as having some mental handicaps but that does not seem to be the case. I can’t imagine putting someone is assisted living who is 100% here mentally and just having a few falls at night. Maybe a short term solution to the falls at night until something else can be worked out is a commode next to his bed so if he needs to get to the bathroom at night he can just use that in case his leg gives out. Insurance may even cover it.

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 4 months ago by  nickels.
Post # 14
Member
1304 posts
Bumble bee

 

Wow. That is alot. You’re doing an amazing job and I can’t imagine how hard it has been.

 

Have you thought about selling his home and buying a house with an in-law suite? That way, he’s not alone but you guys have your privacy and own space too?

At some point, you will have to encourage to develop some hobbies of his own. For his own sake and for yours. 58 is so young and sadly you and your husband can’t replace your mother as his sole companion.

I agree with PPs who suggested talking to your siblings. 5 months is not a long time and your dad is naturally still grieving. They need to help out too. Especially as they all live so close. That’s what family is for.

Post # 15
Member
3327 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

That is tough. If I were in your situation, I would have 2 conversations – 1 with Dad and 1 with siblings. I like the idea of your siblings taking him for 1 weekend each month. But you also need to chat with your Dad. You need some privacy. Maybe get a bedroom door lock, or move into another bedroom a bit further away. 5 months after a death is still pretty fresh to me – especially since they were everything to each other. It will take him time to adjust but he will have to eventually.

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