(Closed) SO contacted his ex. Am I overreacting?

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 18
Member
18 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I don’t know if it is helpful, but he could be over his ex and still want closure? I have been with Fiance for approaching 6 years, and I am so happy with him. However,  I did rush into being with him, I was just coming out of a 3 year relationship which I was completely makinga mess of ending – I knew the ex and I weren’t right for each other buti was very sad about ending things, and the ex was very very angry that I had ended things as he did not agree that we weren’t working. I didn’t cut things off as cleanly as I should have done, I took his  phone calls, because I felt guilty ignoring him because of what was happening, and now I realise that it would have been fairer and in the long run easier on both of us if I had cut contact altogether. Anyway, the relevant point is that because the breakup was so awful, I had a huge amount of guilt and issues,  and the whole thing haunted me for ages. It took me years to stop dreaming about the ex (in an unhappy way not in a good way) and it was Fiance who got me through it and made me realise I had done the right thing, because with him it is right and perfect. I did wish i could have closure with the ex, it would have made me feel better to speak to him and make peace and have him accept that I made the right decision for both of us. But as time had gone on, I have finally accepted I can’t get this and it now no longer bothers me.  wanting closure didn’t (for me) mean I wasn’t over the ex or that I didn’t love Fiance completely,  it was more about getting past an awful breakup.  Your SO can feel bad about what has happened and still want to be with you. However,  maybe there isa difference in that when Fiance and I got together he was completely aware of my situation and the headspace I was in,  I even used to cry about it to him,  and he accepted and supported me and it made us closer. If you and SO can’t talk about it I don’t know what to suggest.  

 

Post # 19
Member
9680 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

You’ve been long distance for most of the relationship and things haven’t been going well…and now this. I certainl wouldn’t be giving up my job and moving for any new job, let alone a relationship with a rocky foundation where I was playing second. 

I personally see an issue, other than statuary rape (if sex was involved), between a man of that age dating a child, too. What could they have had in common? I would find that troubling in and of itself. 

You guys don’t have trust, communication, or a lot of face time as a couple. I really see it as a huge mistake to move back. 

Post # 20
Member
3879 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

um…. He is being really mean! I can’t believe he is acting this way during your long distance part of the relationship! My fear would be that things would get worse when you move. I would not uproot my life for this guy (at this point). regardless of the ex situation, he shouldn’t be talking down to you and treating you like shit. He sounds like he has some issues and is not ready for a relationship. I say dodge the bullet!

 

Post # 22
Member
1461 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

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@MrsPanda99:  +1000!

Don’t move back now. I know that LDRs are tough but it seems like you guys aren’t meshing as a couple. Plus I’ve reached out to an ex in the past (when I was single) and such inititation of contact is typically based on “what if” feelings. Like we would probably be married if I hadn’t broken up with him 10 yrs ago. Regardless, it’s definitely not a good sign that he contacted his ex and you’re not being insecure at all. Continue to try and work out this situation with him but please have a back up plan in place in case you don’t end up moving back home to be with him. Good luck!

Post # 23
Member
723 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

He sounds really immature. Honestly, I would break up with him. I don’t take well to people lashing out at me when I try to engage them emotionally.

Post # 24
Member
92 posts
Worker bee

@ldrthrowaway: He has seemed so distrustful of me lately when there was no reason to (signing into my facebook and email and making accusations)

I think this is the biggest red flag. 100% projection – “a defense mechanism in which a person unconsciously rejects his or her own unacceptable attributes by ascribing them to objects or persons in the outside world” 

And the way he talks to you? Completely unacceptable. “Crazy” is a very hateful term to use toward a woman. The word “hyterical” comes from hystero – the latin root word for uterus. Undermining a woman’s feelings as being irrational, overreacting, overemotional, etc. is gaslighting – a form of mental abuse in which false information is presented with the intent of making a victim doubt his or her own memory, perception, and sanity – and this is not okay.

As you said, at this point is doesn’t matter what he exact issue is. If not this issue, it will be another one. The key is how he handles it. “Hey, I understand you’re really upset about this. I don’t like to see you upset. I feel upset when you’re upset. Let’s figure out how to make you feel better.” I mean, how hard is it? If he’s feeling angry (which is somehow okay for him but not for you), then he needs to step back and say “Hey, I know we have to talk about this, but I think it’s better after we’ve both calmed down a little.”

This guy is not worth moving halfway around the world. He is not supportive of your best interests and emotional well-being. If you isolate yourself to be with him, it will only get worse. Only you know what’s best for you. Good luck. 

Post # 25
Member
1914 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014 - Dallas, TX

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@invisabee:  +1 a 20 year old guy with a 15 year old girl gives me the heebie jeebies

Post # 26
Member
11124 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

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@hollyberry4:  

He sounds emotionally abusive to me.  The OP can’t even have a rational conversation with him without being accused of trying to start a fight.  A classic abuser move.

Post # 27
Member
2107 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

There is so much good advice already posted, and I agree. His contacting his ex doesn’t sit well with me, but I could possibly overlook that. the way he talked to you though is totally inexcusable. Why does he keep doing things that imply he doesn’t trust you? Guilty conscience? I would definitely not uproot my life for this relationship that is on very rocky ground. You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders and you definitely deserve to be treated better. I’m sorry you’re in this situation 🙁

Post # 28
Member
2597 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@ldrthrowaway:  Girl, for pity’s sake cut your losses now and dump this loser.  There is something very fundamentally wrong with a 20 year old MAN dating and STILL HUNG UP ON a 15 year old girl.

He has nothing to offer you long term but more drama. Do NOT move in with him. Move on. 

Post # 29
Member
1305 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

OP, I have been in a relationship with a man I loved that just didn’t work because we were too different when it came to realtionships. He was like your man: he thought nothing of contacting exes, even though it made me uncomfortable. WHen I brought it up he accused me of being crazy, paranoid, etc. etc.

I finally said “okay, if you are friends with her, then she is my friend, too”. One day she called when he and I were together watching a football game (his roomate was there, too). I told him to answer the phone. He did and told her he was with me (his pregnant Girlfriend a the time, who LIVED with him), and then asked if she wanted to comewatch the game. She was pised and hung up on im. I just looked at him and said “wow, what a nice “friend”. She’s pissed that you are with your PREGNANT LIVE-IN GIRLFRIEND”. His roomate just said “wooow” and walked out LOL I eventualy left him partially because of this “friendship” he had with someone when there were obviously underlying feelings.

Not saying this is what is going on, but if you ahve a gut feeling that this is inapropriate and he is lashing out at you when you try to talk about it, there is reason for you to be concerned. I would end this relationship and ove on as your gain by stickig it out if FAR less than what you would lose.

Post # 30
Member
1882 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@ldrthrowaway:  do not move. He is clearly not over that relationship and not invested in yours.

I know exactly what I would think if a guy from that far in my past contacted me randomly like that. There’s just no other reason for dredging things up – you hit the nail on the head there.

Messaging his ex aside, he is not loving and respectful to you. Even if you were being irrational, which you aren’t, a man who truly loves you would try to talk it out with you without insulting you and calling you names. He would care that you’re upset. Don’t uproot your life for someone who treats you that way.

Additionally – I can only speak to my own experience, but when my ex started being extremely suspicious of all my activities, accusing me of cheating whenever I neglected to answer my cell in time, it was because he had set up a secret match.com account and was actively looking for my replacement. Obviously I don’t know your guy, but many cheaters figure that if it’s easy for them to lie and cheat, it must be that easy for you too.

Post # 31
Member
9575 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

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@ldrthrowaway:  oh man, DO NOT LEAVE YOUR JOB FOR THIS GUY. What kind of 20 year old dates a 15 year old?? And he was a jerk on the phone when youre upset??

I am telling you right now you will regret moving forward with him. He doesnt love you.

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