(Closed) SO contacted his ex. Am I overreacting?

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 47
Member
2120 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014 - DD born 2015 DS born 2017

OP, after reading your updates there really isn’t much to salvage here. You got engaged with a long distance man; I’m guessing you disn’t know the real him until now… He sounds manipulative, immature and most importantly may be in love with another person. Sorry to be blunt, but you need to leave NOT uproot your life for him. He doesn’t deserve you!!

Post # 48
Member
727 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

He sounds like my ex. If I ever brought up concerns/ insecurities he would always turn it back on me and try and make me feel as though I was the one with the problem and he was doing nothing wrong. The fact he gets defensive screams out trouble and that he is trying to redirect his guilt on you and in effect blame you for making him think ur doubting his intentions or the relationship. Do not uproot your life for a guy whose more concerned about his ex than about you. He is trouble and you’re only going to find out the hard way if you move to be with him. If he really loves you he will fight for you and come to you. Hate to say it though, sounds like his intentions are elsewhere

Post # 49
Member
2393 posts
Buzzing bee

@ldrthrowaway:  

 

There are a lot of things going on here — he had sex with a 15-year-old girl, he contacted the ex, he’s defensive about it, he’s using abusive language towards you, he’s into your email account, etc. etc.

 

But for me it comes down to one thing: he’s repeatedly lashing out at you when you’re trying to have a discussion with him about something that bothers you. 

 

In my opinion it is FUNDAMENTAL that you should be able to discuss things with each other in a safe zone, where either party feels free and SAFE about discussing feelings. He’s shutting down and trying to blame you for his nasty behavior.

 

Huge red flag, in my opinion. I don’t think you’re overreacting. Personally, all of these things combined would be enough for me to break it off. I have learned the hard way to pay attention to those red flags. Ignoring them and brushing them under the carpet just wastes a lot of time and delays the inevitable. 

 

Post # 50
Member
1486 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

View original reply
@BelliniChic:  +11111

OP:  You have gotten plenty of good advice here and basically everyone is saying the same thing.  I hate the way he turns all of your discussions and talks into rants about how you are crazy for feeling concerned.  That is such a huge red flag.  I would call the realtionship quits and quit him completely.  He is not a good boyfriend, a good fiance, or even a good friend.  You deserve so much more than his nasty behavior in your life.  

(Note: It will only get WORSE if you move out there, not better.  Its rocky now and you guys aren’t talking like a real couple….it will not instantly get better with more face time and time spent together.)

 

Post # 51
Member
780 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

contacting the ex is a flag.  one-word responses are another flag.   you need to free yourself to allow in a secure man.  that means telling current dude “yeah, ok, go and reconcile/put closure.  don’t let the door hit ya, fool. bye”

Post # 52
Member
354 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

So, I’m going to play devil’s advocate here for a moment.

I was in a toxic, crazy relationship for 7-8 years. We were together, apart, if I dated someone else he needed me back. I was crazy about him and couldn’t imagine a life without him. It was insane and wonderful and awful. I finally gave it all up when I met Husband. I knew that I had to commit to him if I was going to date him at all b/c we had mutual friends – I couldn’t take the relationship lightly if it started.

Ex dude was dating someone behind my back at that point (well – at that point I knew about her, we weren’t speaking, I hated him, etc). I started dating husband.

Ex dude and I are now friendly. There was a lot of hurt and anger that we both felt and we needed time to resolve it, accept it, and move on. I accepted that he wasn’t the one for me and moved on. He accepted that I may have been the one and he ruined it and accepted that and moved on. We both care about the other and speak on occasion via text/Facebook. He wished me the best on my wedding day. I will always care for him and wish the best for him.

I will admit I miss being close friends with him. We had our “things” no one else ever got. No one else would want to kill some vodka and play Mario Party all night with me! But he was not the one for me.

My husband was at first very put off by our friendship (as we became friends again while dating Husband). But I was always very open about it, I didn’t hide anything, if I happened to run into Ex when visiting friends (we no longer live in the same town) I would tell him, etc. Now he accepts it. It isn’t his favorite, he doesn’t love it, but he understands it.

So I think it’s a matter of really assessing your relationship and trust. When he says “why” do you believe him? Do his actions line up with his words? HAs he cheated in the past? Do you think he would, with her? Or do you just think it is weird he would talk to an ex at all? You know him better than us, some of your answers sound like he is very defensive and not acknowledging your feelings as valid (they are valid!). If anyone you are in any type of relationship says your feelings aren’t valid (whether overreactive or not) I think it’s a red flag. Feelings are feelings – you can’t control them. They may be crazy or unfounded or whatever, but they are 99% of the time valid and mean something.

Is it possible for him to be innocently reaching out to her? Yes. Does it seem innocent in this situation? Hard to say from the Internet. Best of luck to you!

Post # 53
Member
4697 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

No thanks, I’d be out of there. Men don’t contact their exes years later for ‘closure’, then lie about it, and then.. spill it when wasted. That’s just immature, shady, and an all around turn off. If you’re not willing to leave him, I certainly wouldn’t be packing up and moving to be near him.

There’s a lot of people in this world, I don’t care to be friends with my exes. What’s the point..

Post # 54
Member
181 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

 

Honestly, as soon as you said that he dated her when he was 20 and she was 15, I thought to myself that that is a huge red flag. I just have to wonder what kind of person he is that could of possibly had something in common with a 15 year old when he was 20. To me, it seems sick and makes me think that he’s probably got some other issues that you should beware of. 

In my opinion, the fact that he’s treating you so badly right now should be showing you that he isn’t fully commited to you and looking forward to your move. I’d guess he has doubts about your relationship, and is probably pushing you away so that he feels free to explore the feelings he still has for his ex, while making you out to be the bad guy. 

Post # 55
Member
327 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

I think all of the other bees said it well. Don’t leave your job and move for this jerk. iIf he’s treating you like this now how will he treat you when you are actually in front of him. no one should have to be subjected to that kind of emotional abuse. i’m sorry you are having to deal with this but uou should probably cut your losses now. Hes still in love with her and verbally/emotionally abusive. No Thanks!

Post # 56
Member
841 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

@ldrthrowaway:  This would bother me. Also, the fact that he checks your facebook and email is sooo not ok, and I would be extremely upset if my Fiance showed that kind of distrust. I feel like if you’ve got this many problems this early on (7 months) then it’s a red flag. The first months aren’t supposed to be hard. He doesn’t trust or respect you. I would absolutely not be moving halfway around the world for this guy. Sorry if that’s harsh…

Post # 57
Member
139 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

@ldrthrowaway:  

 

I wouldn’t move if I were you. I also think he’s not over her. If he was, he wouldn’t care to contact her — even for a closure. How I know that? Personal experience — when my Fiance and I first started dating his ex contacted him. That happened after years of HIM trying to get a hold of her. Since we were only together for about a month I gave him the choice to respond to her and start things over as I knew they were serious. He said no! He said he didn’t want to do it and he wanted to be with me. So, he didn’t respond to her and here we are today. 

 

Point being made is that if a man is really over his ex, he wouldn’t contact her to look for closure or anything like that. He simply wouldn’t care!

 

Post # 58
Member
125 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2006

View original reply
@pinksunshine:  +1 No grown man carries on a relationship with a child unless there are other issues. That is basically child molestation and that is what bothered me most about this thread. 

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