(Closed) So discouraged – UPDATE

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
9690 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

Oh, my dear, you’re going to have to get a grip on yourself.  Why do you think he fell in love with you in the first place?  Do you think you’re still the same person he fell in love with?  You’re becoming overly obsessed with this.   (FYI – I always read your threads and posts but have rarely commented until now, so I know the history).

((HUGS))  I know it’s hard waiting, but continue this way and you’re going to drive him away.  Be someone he WANTS to marry, be the woman you know you can be.  Would you want to marry someone who was constantly miserable and pressuring you all the time?

I’m not trying to be harsh but you’re shooting yourself in the foot here with your behavior.  Take some time out for yourself.  Pamper yourself.  Stop putting so much of a burden on another human being to provide your happiness.  That’s so unfair!  You’re sucking and draining the life out of him and out of your relationship.  It is so unhealthy.

I guarantee if he showed up with a ring tonight you would not be happy with it because you wouldn’t feel it was genuinely from his heart.  And how could you?  You can have what you want – you really can.  And you will!  Relax already and give this man a chance to love you in his OWN WAY – not how you are demanding him to love you.

Nobody should make someone else feel entirely responsible for their happiness, it is a relationship doomed to fail.

I wish you all the best, I really do.

Post # 4
Hostess
1427 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@Sunfire:  +1. You’re setting yourself and your relationship up for lots of issues.

Push the topic out of your mind or you’re going to drive yourself and him nuts and its not worth it.

Post # 5
Member
474 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I agree.  You need to relax and let it happen.  If you are actively in couples therapy, I would suggest that you wait until you feel that the issue is 100% resolved.  Let the time be right, and enjoy what you have.  Obviously you know he wants to marry you, why ruin what you have with him because you are anxious.  Do we all want to be engaged/married ?? Sure. (well most of us LOL) But why not enjoy your time together now and let it all, naturally, fall in place ?

Post # 6
Member
761 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I think you need to join a shut-it pact. Not only for his sake, but for your own as well.  Just stop obsessing over it – do you want him to feel like he HAS to propose to you?  It won’t make the proposal very special if you and he feel like you twisted his arm to get there.

Just let it happen when you are both ready and try to focus on other things in your life right now.  Make a deal with yourself that you won’t bring up a proposal/marriage for a month, and see how you do.  Re-evaluate at that point.

I know its frustrating when you know you’re ready and he isn’t, but it won’t feel very good to reflect on this moment and have it tainted by the fact that you maybe pushed him toward it.

Men are frustrating, I get it.  Not trying to give you a hard time if it came out that way.

Post # 7
Member
299 posts
Helper bee

@newcitylights:  I have faith that you can turn this around. From now on when your about to say something negative or needy take a moment and ask yourself will this help my relationship or hurt it. If its something you want for instant gratification and you feel more anxiety than sanity hold it in for 10 minutes and process where it stems from. Smile more often, tell him how much you love him more often and remember who you are. He’s probably missing that woman you used to be before all this wedding stuff came up. You can do it girl! 

Post # 8
Member
808 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

I nearly ruined my proposal. I’m a why wait if you can do it now type and I’m also living with him and I’m mom to his kids since he has full custody. I got this whole “why buy the milk if the cow is free” mentality and I really read him the riot act. He kept trying to reassure me but not wanting to spoil the surprise he didn’t say enough to satisfy me and it turned into a BIG GIANT HUGE fight, the fight ended with him saying “Listen LADY!I was going to pick out your ring next week”

It was awful, I felt horrible. I sure spoiled some of the big day when it finally came this past Saturday. I wish I had kept my mouth shut.

don’t be your own worst enemy like me

Post # 10
Member
9690 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@newcitylights:  Don’t hate yourself!  That’s not going to help.  The two of you have communication issues and speak different love languages.  It’s a good thing you’re in counseling and I hope that’s helping you.  You’re overly focused on him, though.  Try directing your focus towards yourself and your own emotional health.  If he is not good for you, then he just isn’t.  Either you deeply know he is the right one for you or there is something inside telling you something is very “off.”  He cannot complete you!  You have to be a complete soul yourself before you have anything to offer someone else.  And if he’s not loving you the way you need to be loved then you should reevaluate why you even want to marry this man.

Why do you want to marry him?  What is so special about him?  Make me understand why you love this man and want to sign up for a lifetime of this.

I get it, I really do.  I’ve been in some unhealthy relationships myself, in the past.  I grew out of it, lol.  There is plenty of hope for YOU.  I don’t know if there is hope for your relationship, but you are a smart woman.  You know what is going on and you know what to do.  Now is the time to start taking the steps to heal yourself. 

Post # 11
Member
5958 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

You are just a hot mess aren’t you?  And SO’s mysterious “sign” certainly isn’t helping things, is it?  If he wanted to drive you crazy, I’d be happy to advise him that he’s succeeded admirably…

That being said, the way I see it…you have two choices here:

1.  Ride him like Seabiscuit until he finally relents and gives you what you want OR leaves out of self preservation and my doesn’t that sound enticing?

2.  Drop it already, stop looking on facebook, get a hobby, a puppy, enroll is a cantonese cooking class and start taking tap dancing, because you need to occupy yourself girl!  The holidays are coming up, dust off your Santa hat and challenge yourself to finding everyone on your list an antique gift, that means 100 years or older…make your own wrapping paper and strike out in search of the perfect egg nog recipe….seriously….these are the best times of the year, if you’ll only avail yourself to it.  SO has an agenda and he’s working on it, that’s not your area, your area is following your bliss, wherever that leads…

Post # 12
Member
662 posts
Busy bee

@newcitylights:  You don’t have to answer this if you think it’s too personal of a question but do you have self esteem issues?  You seem from your posts on this thread as though there is someone that you want to be, but you aren’t that person, so you’re down on yourself about it. 

 

My advice would be to invest in yourself.  Go to the gym, treat yourself to a massage, find a friend and go to one of those wine and painting nights they have in a lot of cities.  Take time out of your day to do a hobby you love to do.  Volunteer and do charity work for a cause you believe in.  Before you met your SO you were an independant woman with likes and desires and activities.  Go out there and do some activities and get that feeling of self control back!

 

You cannot define yourself by the title your SO gives you.  Right now you REALLY want to be a fiance and because of this you aren’t enjoying your time as his girlfriend.  When you get engaged you might be the same way about wife vs. fiance.  Try to step back a little bit and reorganize your feelings.  Make the here and now the most important aspect of your relationship. 

 

HUGSS and GOOD LUCK!

Post # 14
Member
12 posts
Newbee

Not to sound mean, but you need to get it together girl! I know exactly how you feel when you see that facebook post where yet again, someone is engaged. I just don’t think it’s a good idea to share those feelings with SO even if you feel sad/hurt inside. It doesn’t have anything to do with SO and it makes HIM feel bad that you are upset with him when it doesn’t have anything to do with YOUR relationship.

Post # 15
Member
9690 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@newcitylights:  Well, you’re normal, lol.  He sounds wonderful and like he loves you very much.  I’m a verbal affirmation girl like you.  Does my DH tell me how fabulously perfect I am all the time?  Heck no!  But I know  he loves me.  I’ve learned to be happy with how happy we are together, how peaceful and how right.  I love nice words but I’ll take my DH’s way of showing me love, in his own way, over the words of anyone else.  And he’s getting better at it than he used to be, I get more words now because his love language is physical touch and guess what?  I give him lots and lots of what he wants and needs and now he reciprocates much more.

Appreciate your man for who he is and don’t be a bottomless pit.  In fact, I will give you a tip that works wonders with men (and almost everyone else) – what you compliment and praise them for is what they’ll do more of.  The things you criticize him for will just expand.  Life is like that.  What you pay attention to is what grows.  If you continue paying attention to all the things your SO is doing wrong, guess what?  Those things will grow worse.

Try praising him for who he is and what he does for you and see what happens.  Ignore some of the other stuff you don’t like as much (as long as it’s only minor stuff).  Stop complaining, whining and expecting!  Stop being all about what you want from him, and focus on what both of you want together.

And while you’re at it, praise yourself some too.  And do something nice for yourself, like get some flowers or a pedicure or whatever makes you feel special.  You deserve to treat yourself like your own best friend, because you are.

Post # 16
Member
376 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

You aren’t going to like my post but I need to be brutally honest here.

You say that he doesn’t give you the kind of love and affection that you need to be happy (EXAMPLE: telling you that you make him the happiest he has ever been) I see problems with this. He is obviously not the kind of guy to say things like that. My guy NEVER says stuff like that (really only tells me that he loves me, nothing beyond that) but I’m not the kind of girl that needs that. He obviously isn’t fulfilling your needs and I see that as a HUGE problem. I don’t think you should get married unless that person fulfills everything you need. The people who marry the person who only somewhat makes them happy is the person (sorry to say) that gets divorced.

I really do feel sorry for you and I hope that you are able to work this all out. I used to have low self esteem and working past that was a HUGE task! One day I just realized that IM the only one that can make ME happy. No one else can. Even if my life is amazing I can either make myelf depressed or make myself happy.

But please take a good long look at you relationship. I would bet a million bucks that you could find a different guy who fulfill all your needs and make you the happiest girl in the world.

Best of luck!

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