So disheartened and not sure what is going on.

posted 4 months ago in Relationships
Post # 16
Member
1035 posts
Bumble bee

indigobee :  such a wise post.

I’ll share my story because it has some things that relate… 

My first involvement  with a man after my  divorce was a great guy I knew well for 5 years. We were attracted and safe because we knew one another so well. We had never been involved prev. And we’re totally professional. 

However, right away I realized it would not work. I am a very serious-minded person. I don’t have a lukewarm and I can’t have sex with someone and carry on if we are not an item. I could tell he’d always be a lukewarm. So I broke it off. He was devestated but understood.  I told him I am not built for a casual relationship. I’ll call him Luke. 

Then we reconnected , because things were great when we were together. I forced myself into it, because I really enjoyed his company, lifestyle, we got along perfectly, and had good sex. But no boyfriend vibe. 

At one point Luke  asked if I wanted to live with him. He was building a condo and took me there. But aside from that, he never made any boyfriend advances. We never really discussed the move. Neither of us really sensed it was a serious suggestion.

I was feeling really conflicted with myself  because no matter how much I liked him, we were empty…why was I doing this.  I really really liked him as a person , nearly loved him. But we just  did not line up relationship-wise. He was emotionally unavailable. 

Not to mention, he was telling me to date people, made me feel he  was keeping me at arms distance. Cause duh! 

In the meantime … I met another man who had mutual friends. Who was so sweet and genuine and interested and open. We continued talking online as he lived very very very  far away. 

Eventually I realized this NEW wonderful man had everything I have and same goals and ideals. And I did not want to waste anymore time on the lukewarm one. 

So I arranged a meeting with Luke told him I met someone else. We aren’t seeing one another and he isn’t even here, but I want to see what may develop. Which means in fairness to the NEW guy, and myself, that I did not want any more involvement with Luke  guy. I like to be 100 percent emotionally available to a person. 

Well, funny, he was a little pissed, and rude , which I had never seen before . He says things like are you sleeping with him (no, we were 6000 miles apart. But if I had it would be none of Luke’s  business, he told me to date other people  and we were  not bf gf)

He said but you told me you could do casual. I said actually I told you I can’t . But I tried it and regret it. We are not a match and we have zero. Let’s be honest. He says but we could in the future. I said nope, we could not. You don’t want me and I want to be wanted. 

And I gave him the grace of not getting involved with anyone, and telling him I wanted to. By then  spent about 6 months on Luke. 

Well guess what? The new guy developed  into the fantastic  relationship I have now! My fh! 

Everyday I am thankful I did not prolong the easy but lukewarm guy. I knew it was not a fit. It could not be forced. 

I am grateful for that experience though.  It was a safe place for me to transition from my previous marriage in order to bridge to new things. 

My point is, you see how my experience is sort of on both sides of your experience. This breakup can be a great teaching tool about yourself . 

Maybe you can see a little of your perspective and also your bfs in my experience,  perhaps. 

Post # 17
Member
161 posts
Blushing bee

I was in a relationship with someone who I found very special and we were very compatible but I always felt like there was something more out there. I tried to make it work. I made promises and did things to drive the relationship forward. All it really did was give my ex a false sense of how I felt about our relationship. When it ended there was a lot of confusion and hurt. My ex didn’t understand why I ended it and I couldn’t explain it. At the time, I didn’t fully realize that I was just doing and saying the things I thought someone would do and say who was in love. It wasn’t because I was in love.

I think this is what happened to you. He was trying to drive a relationship forward with someone who he doesn’t truly see a future with. Please move on.

Post # 18
Member
3270 posts
Sugar bee

If he was allergic to your cat, how did you resolve that issue?

Frankly I think you’re not as good at spotting red flags as you think.

Post # 19
Member
7763 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I agree with DeniseSecunda…he wasn’t really feeling it but he WANTED to feel it so he was going through the motions and trying to talk himself into being with you. He even went so far as to talk about moving in, but really he was just flirting with that idea…when the reality sunk in he realized it’s not what he wants, so he bailed.

It sucks a big one bee, but honestly there were red flags with this guy from the very beginning that you ignored because you wanted it to work out so much. Better to find out now that he’s not all in then wait until after you’ve been living together for awhile and he pulls the “I don’t believe in marriage” card. I promise, there’s someone much better for you out there!

Post # 21
Member
1035 posts
Bumble bee

  Yes … you say you want perspective, and you are still speaking from your own perspective. Clearly you were not in tune with one another, though you thought you were. That is why you feel blindsided. Disoriented. 

And maybe he was not fully in tune to what he was or wasn’t feeling. Until the end. I think that is what we are all trying to explain. 

All you need to focus on is it wasn’t malicious. You missed some cues, he realized he can’t build more feelings towards you. He wanted to. 

That is not necessarily a bad thing , you can still be two good people. Yeah you felt more. But a relationship needs balance.  You can’t be with someone who doesn’t feel.it. 

Learn, move on. 

 

Post # 22
Member
3270 posts
Sugar bee

lurkerwithquestions :  With regard to your cat, you gave the perfect answer. I’m glad you didn’t give him away.

I know that it hurts, but you are obviously intelligent and caring. Don’t let someone who is wishy washy and confused convince you that it’s always going to end this way. I say you deserve better.

 

Post # 23
Member
2360 posts
Buzzing bee

Bee, it sounds like you’re missing what everyone is telling you. The fact that he wanted to break it off after a few dates means that he was lukewarm about you, because if he was really that interested the reasons he gave don’t make sense (as you acknowledged). You convinced him out of the reasons, but the reasons were BS to begin with. Either he wasn’t that into you, he recognized that he wasn’t ready for a relationship, or some combo of the two. 

The other info you’ve mentioned about him – that he was planning to quit his job and travel, etc. – suggests to me that he doesn’t want to be tied down right now. It sounds like he genuinely enjoyed your company and was perhaps toying with the idea of being in a longer term relationship with you, but ultimately didn’t want that. I’d guess it had more to do with where he’s at in his life than with his feelings about you. 

Nothing about this suggests that there’s something wrong with you – except for the fact that you weren’t able to hear that he wasn’t ready to be available for a relationship when he first expressed it (through lame excuses about why he couldn’t date you). It’s not that you don’t “inspire” chemistry in men, it’s that you choose the wrong men. I know it sucks to feel like you’ve found someone great and then not have it work out, and I know it can drive you crazy to feel like your version of reality didn’t match up with someone else’s. I’m sorry, bee. But there IS someone better out there for you. 

Post # 24
Member
7763 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

“Given he was always 100% enthusiastic, it was not a situation where he ever expressed or demonstrated lukewarmness”

In your first post you said he broke up wiht you one month in, citing concerns about the cat AND a lack of chemistry. If this isn’t lukewarmness/lack of enthusiasm I’m not sure what is bee. It sounds like you swept that under the rug after you got back together, but the red flag was there from the beginning.

That being said, please don’t assume the problem is YOU and that people are incapable of feeling chemistry with you or some such nonsense. You just haven’t met the right person yet. Almost everyone in the dating world will at some point or another find themselves in “relationships” with someone who ends  up feeling that something is missing. It sucks but it doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you; this just isn’t the right relationship for you.

Post # 25
Member
6029 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

He broke up with you once and you tracked him down again, not vice versa. Had he really felt a connection, he either never would have broken up the first time or HE would have contacted YOU the second time around. This doesn’t mean you cannot find the connection with someone, just that you have to believe them the first time if they don’t feel it.

Post # 26
Member
3234 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017 - City, State

When he told you he didn’t want a relationship because he was thinking about moving, he was trying to find a “kind” way out. It wasn’t that he was hoping you would say you’d be willing to move too because you also don’t like the area. It seems you missed more of his subtle signs. He wasn’t able to be up front about his feelings, but I promise, no one wakes up one day and decides the relationship they thought was fantastic is suddenly not going to work. It was something he’d been thinking for a while, and considering you guys were only together a few months, I’d say he had doubts for a good portion of your relationship. I reiterate that things should have ended after he told you he wasn’t feeling the chemistry after the first few dates, but that’s neither here nor there at this point. 

It’s not your fault that he wasn’t up front about his feelings. Maybe he wasn’t even 100% sure about his feelings at the time, but there were signs early on that he was not feeling the same things you were feeling. There really is nothing to gain from trying to make sense of his behavior. It won’t give you the answer you’re looking for, which is why didn’t he connect with you the way that you connected with him. 

Post # 27
Member
1291 posts
Bumble bee

lurkerwithquestions :  You said you didn’t have to cajole him into a relationship and that he was 100% enthusiastic…the second time around.  But here’s the thing – guys have egos.  Big egos.  And here you were, a woman he didn’t have to chase.  He knew you were into him and went along with it until it got real.  And in my experience, the 3-4 month mark is when things generally start to turn more serious, so I give him credit for being honest and not just going along with it and having to break your heart later when you’re much more invested.  I have to agree with everything the other Bees have said.  It sucks.  Breakups suck.  We’ve all been through it and many of us have been in relationships where we were more into someone than they were us.  You’re not unable to create chemistry.  Obviously there is something there otherwise your relationships wouldn’t last longer than a week.  I do agree that you’re subconsciously drawn to guys that may not be available, for whatever reason.  And the lack of chemistry excuse is a way of saying somthing is missing, but they cannot put their finger on it.  It doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with you.

It does sound like with this relationship you were trying to fit a square peg into a round hole.

Post # 28
Member
762 posts
Busy bee

My ex of 3 years broke up with me because he said we didn’t have the right chemistry or “spark”, so much so that he said he wasn’t in love with me enough. He 

We had a great time together, but I’ve come to realise that that “chemistry” was missing for him, and that I was ignoring it when we were together. He also should have ended it long before a) we moved in together, b) before we got to the 3 year mark and c) before he was offered a job at the other end of the country and used it as a way out… jerk. But he didn’t have the guts to do it and was comfortable with me while living in my city..

it was so shit. Especially because I loved him, thought he was amazing etc..

Now that I am with my SO and see what feeling real love is from a partner, it’s so much better and it makes me shudder to think of the lack of chemistry with my ex, even though we lived together and had fun together – and even tho he broke my heart, I’m so glad he finally came clean and ended it, because someone who does NOT love you will NOT. Make a good life partner Bee.

Im so sorry you’re going through this. I can so sympathise. But just be grateful he has had the gumption to do it after only 4 months instead of dragging you along for years and wasting years of your life never to commit to you. Try to  look at it positively from that perspective. 

ETA: ps. There is nothing wrong with you. You do not lack the ability to.m create chemistry. You just need to find the right person! Keep looking and don’t give up hope.. keep being open to it.

Post # 29
Member
466 posts
Helper bee

lurkerwithquestions :  

Your fixation on an ability to create chemistry suggests to me that you might be over-romanticising the whole thing and relationships in general.

Try to keep it all in perspective. It is entirely possible to have a wonderful connection with someone and even to demonstrate great compatibility, and for the relationship still not to work out.

Men tend to be a bit more practical. If he was at a stage in his life where he wanted to move and didn’t want to be tied down to a relationship, then that’s what he would be focused on.

He might have felt a great connection with you and had real feelings for you, but if he was in a place in his life where it wasn’t all clicking into place for him, then he would have ended the relationship. I’ve seen this so many times.

You need to pay attention to what guys say in the beginning and to the hesitations they express. You saw his concerns as issues you could solve, whereas in his mind they were merely symptoms of his unwillingness to get seriously involved.

Instead of fixating on your ability to create chemistry, try to think of relationships as more practical transactions. Are they fully available to be in a relationship? Are they enthusiastic about it? Do they want the same things as you? Those things are a bare minimum, and work your way down from there.

Post # 30
Member
670 posts
Busy bee

“Given he was always 100% enthusiastic, it was not a situation where he ever expressed or demonstrated lukewarmness, and it did not at any point feel casual or like FWB, I did not have to cajole him into a relationship at all,

 

But you DID have to convince him to get back with you-that’s what your email to him was all about! Convincing him that his reasons for dumping you were not good enough (which he doesn’t need a reason to dump you at all) is exactly that. If someone dumps you, just accept it next time, even if you don’t agree with their reasons. You will never be happy with someone who you had to convince to be with you.

I have been through this SO many times and I understand how incredibly frustrating and upsetting it is. Now that I have found the right guy for me, none of these issues exist and I look back on my previous dating experiences and was clearly able to see that these other guys were just lukewarm about me or not interested for whatever reason. And it’s ok! 

I think you just have to keep moving forward and try to learn for next time not to chase after guys who end things with you. Even if they dump you and then come back to you later, I wouldn’t recommend taking them back. Be with someone who is so crazy about you that they would never even consider it!

Feel better, bee. Onwards and upwards

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