- 4 months ago
indigobee : such a wise post.
I’ll share my story because it has some things that relate…
My first involvement with a man after my divorce was a great guy I knew well for 5 years. We were attracted and safe because we knew one another so well. We had never been involved prev. And we’re totally professional.
However, right away I realized it would not work. I am a very serious-minded person. I don’t have a lukewarm and I can’t have sex with someone and carry on if we are not an item. I could tell he’d always be a lukewarm. So I broke it off. He was devestated but understood. I told him I am not built for a casual relationship. I’ll call him Luke.
Then we reconnected , because things were great when we were together. I forced myself into it, because I really enjoyed his company, lifestyle, we got along perfectly, and had good sex. But no boyfriend vibe.
At one point Luke asked if I wanted to live with him. He was building a condo and took me there. But aside from that, he never made any boyfriend advances. We never really discussed the move. Neither of us really sensed it was a serious suggestion.
I was feeling really conflicted with myself because no matter how much I liked him, we were empty…why was I doing this. I really really liked him as a person , nearly loved him. But we just did not line up relationship-wise. He was emotionally unavailable.
Not to mention, he was telling me to date people, made me feel he was keeping me at arms distance. Cause duh!
In the meantime … I met another man who had mutual friends. Who was so sweet and genuine and interested and open. We continued talking online as he lived very very very far away.
Eventually I realized this NEW wonderful man had everything I have and same goals and ideals. And I did not want to waste anymore time on the lukewarm one.
So I arranged a meeting with Luke told him I met someone else. We aren’t seeing one another and he isn’t even here, but I want to see what may develop. Which means in fairness to the NEW guy, and myself, that I did not want any more involvement with Luke guy. I like to be 100 percent emotionally available to a person.
Well, funny, he was a little pissed, and rude , which I had never seen before . He says things like are you sleeping with him (no, we were 6000 miles apart. But if I had it would be none of Luke’s business, he told me to date other people and we were not bf gf)
He said but you told me you could do casual. I said actually I told you I can’t . But I tried it and regret it. We are not a match and we have zero. Let’s be honest. He says but we could in the future. I said nope, we could not. You don’t want me and I want to be wanted.
And I gave him the grace of not getting involved with anyone, and telling him I wanted to. By then spent about 6 months on Luke.
Well guess what? The new guy developed into the fantastic relationship I have now! My fh!
Everyday I am thankful I did not prolong the easy but lukewarm guy. I knew it was not a fit. It could not be forced.
I am grateful for that experience though. It was a safe place for me to transition from my previous marriage in order to bridge to new things.
My point is, you see how my experience is sort of on both sides of your experience. This breakup can be a great teaching tool about yourself .
Maybe you can see a little of your perspective and also your bfs in my experience, perhaps.