So disheartened and not sure what is going on.

posted 8 months ago in Relationships
Post # 46
Member
81 posts
Worker bee

I am so sorry you are going through this. I had something similar happen to me recently that I actually posted about a few months ago! I’m also 31. I was dating someone for 7 months and I felt like everything was perfect as well. We traveled together, I spent thanksgiving with his family, we had the same sense of humor and were basically always laughing. After 7 months he still hadn’t told me he loved me yet and it was starting to weigh on me so I brought it up. He skirted around it and said he loved our relationship and everything is great. Pulls away from me for a week and when I finally ask what’s wrong he also said “something is missing” and then proceeded to tell me his ex girlfriend texted him recently and he still has feelings for her and has our entire relationship. I was absolutely blindsided and heartbroken. It could be possible it’s somerhing similar, maybe there is someone in his past he’s not over but didn’t want to tell you and hurt you more.  Maybe he is scared of commitment – maybe the moving in talk freaked him out. My relationship was so amazing until I finally brought up love and commitment. Some men are like that. I wish I had the answers and I’m so sorry because I was just in your shoes a month ago. It still hurts but it’s better to know now than a year from now that he’s not all in.  If you ever want to talk more about it or are feeling sad, send me a private message and we can talk more. You will be okay!!!

Post # 47
Member
81 posts
Worker bee

One more thing I remembered – my ex and I went on 3 dates and then I didn’t hear from him for a week. I texted him and basically threw a Hail Mary and just asked if he’d like to get together again and he said yes and then we dated. But looking back I wish I would have just let it fade out. Because I guarantee I would have never have heard from him because he probably wasn’t THAT interested. Yes attraction can grow but I think it’s better from the get go to let the guy pursue you and that way you can tell how invested they are. After he initially broke things off, it probably should have ended. Nothing you can do now but going forward it is something to keep in mind. Hope this is helpful. Our situations are very similar!

Post # 48
Member
2687 posts
Sugar bee

I highly recommend reading the book “Attached:  The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find – and Keep – Love”

You will find that there are 3 different relationship attachment styles, Anxious, Avoidant, and Secure.  I would venture a guess that this guy is an Avoidant.  They might seem like amazing partners at first, but they will never stick around long.  And they tend to send mixed signals (i.e. Moving in together one day, ghosting the next).

Post # 49
Member
1312 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: City, State

red flags are just flags when seen through rose-colored lenses.

Post # 50
Member
66 posts
Worker bee

I had a similar relationship several years ago. 

I met a guy at a volunteer organization. It seemed obvious that he had a crush on me and we would chat online for hours every night. Eventually I kissed him at a bar gathering one night. He drove me home and we kissed again. Then he told me he wanted to be very clear and make sure that I understood that he wasn’t a very good relationship person. I completely ignored that and jumped into a relationship with him. 

Two months later he told me he loved me and started talking about moving in together. He even went as far as to give our future children temporary names so we could talk about them. I told him it was too soon to much in together and we should wait a few months. Then when I was finally ready he started coming up with all of these excuses as to why we couldn’t move in together. When I tried to move our relationship forward he balked even more. We started spending less and less time together and when I expressed concern he would get grumpy until it turned into a fight. Finally after nearly a year of this he sat me down one day and said that he wanted to make sure I understood that he never wanted kids. This came out of nowhere. When I told him I was shocked by this considering what he has told me in the past he denied ever having said otherwise. Instead, he was apparently always up front with me about not wanting kids. 

I broke up with him a few days after that. Then two days later my Dad very suddenly passed away and he didn’t even bother to text with a kind word. 

Long story short, he told me from day one what I should have expected from dating him and I ignored it. My theory now is that he is very good at love bombing and making big promises at the beginning of a relationship but then panics when his partner expects him to follow through. 

 

Now I am with a fantastic man who has never once for even a moment made me question his feelings for me. 

Post # 51
Member
413 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2019

sweetdee89 :  “If he’s into you – he won’t use your cat as an excuse to not see you anymore either. “

Yesss, this! I literally did this… When I first started seeing my fiance, I was not interested in a serious relationship (with him or with anybody, because I had recently gotten out of a long-term relationship). I just wanted a short-term fling with him, because I didn’t think we’d be compatible long-term, and on top of it he had two cats and I’m allergic to cats. I kept telling him it would never work between us because of several reasons, including the cats — what would we do when we have to live together someday?

But I got to know him better, and I was drawn to him more. We were more compatible than I initially thought. He’d invite me over and I’d take Benadryl. I grew to love his cats. Eventually, I changed my mind and agreed to date him, figuring I would somehow find a way to deal with the cat situation. (What ended up happening was that my immune system adjusted to his cats more, so now we live together with both cats and I’m usually fine around them without needing to take any medication.) In reality, the cats turned out to be a minor issue and not a dealbreaker for me.. it was just easier for me to pin my reluctance to get into a relationship with this guy on them, rather than have an uncomfortable conversation about more major and personal concerns I had about him.

OP, it was probably never about the cat. It was probably just an excuse to let you down easy without hurting your feelings. (It’s not you personally! It’s that you have a cat!) You made the mistake of taking what he said at face value when he broke things off the first time. But those may not have been the real reasons he wasn’t feeling it with you.

I’m sure many of us have been in the uncomfortable position of having to break things off with someone. If it’s someone you’ve only seen casually a few times, it doesn’t seem appropriate to get into reasons that may be deeply personal for them. So many of us have probably thrown out vague excuses to let them down easy — “no chemistry”, “we want different things”, “I don’t want a relationship”, etc. Next time, just accept the guy’s decision, regardless of the reasons he cites. Those may or may not be the real reasons. If someone really thinks you’re worth it, they will move mountains to be with you, and a cat isn’t going to stop them. 

Post # 52
Member
2080 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

Besides the fact that it’s not a great idea to try to convince someone to be with you, I think another red flag was his “wooing” of you in such a short period of time. Telling people how lucky he was, acting super committed, etc., within a few months seems very early and suspicious. It looks like he was trying to “get you” so he could feel secure and then be able to really make his mind up about the relationship from an advantageous standpoint. That’s really shi**y and selfish behavior.

Look, there’s nothing wrong with you except that you’re putting way too much importance on this short relationship. We’ve all had experiences like this. Right before I met my husband, I dated this guy who would gaze lovingly into my eyes for minutes on end. My friends said he was surely in love with me. A few days later, he said he had no intention of going much beyond casual dating with me and if I wanted more, we would have to go at a “glacial pace.” Uhh, no thanks, dude. My first serious boyfriend talked seriously about marriage within a few months, saying things like, “at our wedding,” and “when we get married.” Within 9 months, he said he thought our relationship was “very light,” and broke up with me. I was devastated, crying hysterically for days. Exactly one week later, I met my next boyfriend.

All that to say, no there is zero chance that you will “never find love” after this. Chalk this one up to experience and move on wiser and stronger.

Post # 53
Member
664 posts
Busy bee

mrsziggy :  I”m so glad it worked out with the cats for you!!!! Yay!

The last guy I was seeing used my cat as an ‘issue’ for moving in together and even suggested I may have to get rid of her! He didn’t have a severe allergy either. Sometimes his eyes would be a little itchy and it didn’t happen all the time either! That’s when things changed/clicked for me that this was not what I wanted. I literally got sad thinking about my cat being gone and thought I’d rather lose him than her. Other things were in play as well too, but this just added to it.

Post # 54
Member
322 posts
Helper bee

He’s just not that into you. 

Post # 55
Member
336 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2019 - City, State

well, poop nuggets. that sounds awful. 

Our worth is NOT negotiable with other people, though, bee. 

Never. 

So… stop looking to men and their reactions to define what you are worth!! recipe for heartbreak and for creating a “broken picker” that will lean into men who express indifference.

It sounds like there is something in you that’s trying to find healing by convincing indifferent men to choose you.

So, first thing to do is heal that! 

How do you do that? You do that by becoming interested in yourself. By asking yourself what you LOVE to have for breakfast, and learning to make it, and enjoying the heck out of it. You do that by asking yourself what mad, zany, crazy thing you dream a future man will give to you, and you gift that experience or thing to yourself. You find out what makes you laugh until your stomach aches. You find out what melts you into tenderness. You find out what has you feel excited and playful as if you’re seven years old again and it’s an unexpected day off school, and you’ve been told you get to spend the entire day playing. 

and then you write a list (actually write it on paper) of traits you wish for in an absolutely ideal partner. every crazy thing you can imagine. 

then go through that list, and ask “IF he had everything else on this list, but NOT this, could I live with it?” and if the answer is yes, cross the thing off. 

Eventually you should be left with about 10-15 non-negotiables, absolute musts in a partner or future relationship dynamic. 

Then when you date, you are weeding people out. It’s not personal. 
We don’t have to dislike, disapprove, (or any other dis-word) someone in order to decide they are not really a fit. We don’t have to have a bad argument or whatever… it’s a process of finding a person who can ride in the same life-car and BOTH our baggage can fit in the car too!

relationships aren’t easy and if you truly wish to bring a “keeper” into your life, don’t chase the ones who eject from your car. really. don’t even bother to find out why, or take it as something wrong with YOU.  Unless they’ve told you something specific you can check out with yourself to see if there’s something to learn there, it’s a waste of energy to look for your worth in someone else’s mirror image of you. 

so sorry, bee… but there are better experiences ahead if you don’t chase. You deserve someone who CHOOSES you. 

Post # 56
Member
209 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2017 - Maui, Hawaii

There’s a theory that in every relationship there’s a reacher and a settler. The reacher is the one pursuing the other person, reaching out for their affection, and the settler is the one who decides to accept the relationship. My theory (after years of dating) is that men prefer to get serious when the woman is the settler and the man is the reacher. I think men are more than willing to be the settler in the short term but I don’t think they value the relationship as much if they didn’t have to reach for it. I know that’s a sweeping generalization and I’m sure there are many men who don’t fit that mold, but I used to chase men all the time, I had no problems making the first move or pursuing someone I liked, and I ended up in a lot of relationships that ended because of “no chemistry”. I stopped doing that and let them pursue me and now I’m married to my favorite person ever. 

Post # 57
Member
1312 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: City, State

girlfriday91 :  I, too, am engaged to the first guy I let chase me instead of me making all the moves and the difference is astounding

Post # 58
Member
2576 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2017 - Courthouse

Nope. Don’t fall into his trap. 

Everyone has an ex like this.

Post # 59
Member
609 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

girlfriday91 :  agree.  My Grandmother would say relationships always work better if the man is more in love with the woman.

Here’s another thing that matches your theory. Men hunt, but would they hunt animals that were in the ha it of laying down in their front lawn?  No way. But they will hunt animals that require them to spend dozens of hours in the rain, up at 3am, alone, and quiet and will do it for years in a row despite not being successful every year.

You never see a female in the animal kingdom risking life and limb, or anything for that matter, to attract a mate.

I once asked my SO what he didn’t like about himself in his past relationships. He said he didn’t like that he stopped trying so hard.  My SO doesn’t hunt animals, but I can tell he kinda likes to hunt me.  When he has to work for it he feels like a winner, feels successful.  

Post # 60
Member
81 posts
Worker bee

@lurkerwithquestions how are you doing? This post resonated with me as I went through something similar. Just wanted to check in 

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