(Closed) So, do I cancel everything pay my dad the deposits back and elope or suck it up?

posted 10 years ago in Emotional
Post # 47
915 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2010 - Al Cielo / La Laguna

Oh hon I am so sorry you are dealing with this. My heart really goes out to you. I wanted to put my two cents in as not only a destination bride but as one who would have had all sorts of crazy family issues to deal with (extended family, not parents) if we had had our wedding here. 

21 people went with us and we got married in the Riviera Maya last month. It was the BEST decision we ever made. There was no stress. Everything was so peaceful and we really got to focus on the fact we were getting married and not about making sure we said hello to all 200 relatives and trying to make them happy. I worried for the longest time that I would regret not having our family around because we are all so close but I don’t. Not at all. When I look back at our wedding every single minute was joyful and peaceful and not once did we ever feel pushed to do something someone else wanted. 

My advice would be to elope. Take a handful of people and have your wedding your way.

Post # 48
124 posts
Blushing bee

Sweetheart, I’m so sorry…..

Maybe the stress is getting to your parent – but that email was crazy.

I honestly think you should pay them back and elope. This is your wedding, it’s about the two of you and both families. Just because one set of parent is paying for the majority does not make them more important than the other or the couple. At this rate, you’ll be deeply unhappy on your wedding day – with choices forced on you and people you hardly know.

Even with 2k, you can have a very tasteful, romantic and happy wedding.

btw what’s your fiancee’s opinion on this????


Post # 49
857 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Hmm, I’d elope on that April day that you love, and then maybe just have a reception in September for your mom… Maybe make like two extra sweetheart tables for your parents and your FIs? And put them in front (not on) of the stage? I don’t know. This is a complicated question to say the least!

Post # 50
8 posts
  • Wedding: October 2012

I’m sorry to hear of your mom’s health conditions. I would love to give you my thoughts, but would like to preface them by letting you know that I grew up with a mother who attempted to control and a submissive father. I am now 24 and living 2,300 miles away from them! 

This is how I look at it for you, myself, and any other bride-to-be in the world: it is your/my/insert-name-here’s wedding, and no one else’s. Have you communicated that to her yet and explained that what she is doing is hurtful, or are you hesitant because they are funding a lot of the wedding? If so, and she hasn’t listened, she probably never will. 

If you want a wedding, then that’s what you should have. I don’t think you would or could forgive yourself for succumbing to someone else and letting your wishes and happiness fly out the window. 

If that is what you want, then I think the only choice you have is to take the bull by the horns. You wrote in the first paragraph, “I’ve been asking my mom what she wants the whole time I’ve been planning and this is the first time she’s said anything.” You gave her the right to tell you what she wants, so essentially you permitted her to have you under her thumb. No one ever said you couldn’t change your mind, so maybe acknowledging that you said that before but after some thought you’ve realized that it’s your wedding and you want things how you want them might work, especially if you welcome her opinions but she knows they won’t dictate your decisions.

At the end of the day, it is your day. You have to think about you and your fiancé and what you both want. It won’t be easy to stand up to her, especially if she revokes her offer to pay for everything, but from someone who has been in that exact situation (but it wasn’t a wedding my parents were paying for), I promise that you putting your foot down, saving and doing it yourself will be much more satisfying. And, chances are she’ll learn what not to do/say in the future. If you listen to her and let her control your wedding, imagine what might happen if/when you have children or buy a house.

Post # 51
510 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011


J/K…but wow, what an upsetting e-mail to get 🙁  I would wait out her meds issue like you said for a little bit, but I would definitely consider just eloping.  You can always have a party after you get back and I imagine planning it would be a little less stressful.

Post # 52
903 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

Whoa….I read through the whole thing (though not through all the comments :-P). My first reaction is: your mom is being controlling….and manipulative in the way she words things. I’d return the deposits and plan a low-budget wedding that you can afford that fits YOU. It looks like your parents are going to fight every decision you make and pressure you into their image of the wedding as long as they’re paying. If you pay, you eliminate the problem. (and it sounds like you could still have a nice wedding even paying for it yourself since you’re okay with a pre-owned dress and bridesmaids picking their own dresses and all that).

Post # 53
1641 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I know this is your Mom,. but…she is a controlling witch, In My Humble Opinion.

I would pay every single cent back, tell her it’s your wedding not hers, and when you give the money back, tell her to go ahead and plan the wedding of her dreams for herself, but you’re not a puppet.

That is absolutely dreadful, If you let her control this, she;’ll be controlling every other move you make, how you raise your children if you have them,e tc.

The blow to your Fiance and his family was absoutely rude, none of her business, and very very snotty. Tell her no now, or she’ll be telling you what to do for a long time. If you are old enough to be married, you are old enough to  have the wedding YOU want.

Post # 54
1641 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

If you go ahead with her wedding, Ireall y think you will regret it for the rest of your life. Your one speaail day, that you can never really relive, will havehad nothing to do with you.

Geesh, I can’t believe anyone can be like this.

If they would seriously “disown” you for not “obeying” their wishes, I hate to say this but…you’d be better off.

Post # 55
501 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

@staceynrick:my mom is A LOT LIKE THIS!! i can very much relate.

we are also having a $40,000 wedding which has been largely dictated by my mom.

and then she tells me I am ungrateful and controlling for wanting a say in things.

I wish I could give more advice. in my situation, I knew that paying for the wedding ourselves would have been a slap in my parents’ face and I especially did not want to do that to my dad, who like yours sounds like the more stable one in the family.

so. . we are rolling with it. and you know what? it hasn’t been too bad. if you do want the big wedding, just develop a really thick skin. repeat the phrase ‘ that decision has already been made”.and if she’s upset on your wedding day? **you can’t let it upset you.** your mom’s emotional investment in your wedding is NOT your problem. if she’s going to be miserable? repeat to yourself ‘I have tried my hardest to make her happy. She is choosing to be miserable. This does not make me a bad daughter’.

 and for things that you *really* care about. . .start a fund to buy it yourself. like your dress. . .definitely pay for whatever dress YOU love!

good luck!

Post # 56
5 posts
  • Wedding: June 2011

@staceynrick: This is exactly why my finace and I are paying for our wedding ourselves. It sounds like your mother is living vicariously through you. I would have a talk with her and let her know that if she really wants to plan a wedding, maybe she and your father can have vow renewal on their anniversary or something. But, remind her of how excited she was during her own engagement and wedding planning. Just let her know that when you are her age, you want to look back at your photo albums and see what was important to YOU on YOUR big day.

I hope, for your sake, that when her meds are straightened out and she is feeling better, she will be more understanding of what you really need from her during this time in your life. Good luck! 

Post # 57
163 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Wow sorry to hear about your mom’s health problems – that must not be easy to deal with!

But especially because of this you should not let her be so involved with the planning. Someone taking meds and sending irrational emails like that should not be getting even more stressed out or upset, and if she continues to be involved in the planning she probably will. And who knows what she’ll end up doing or requesting! How could you keep up with her, even if trying to keep her happy?

For this reason I think you should either elope (as your plan was, which sounds very romantic), or participate to the wedding expences and let your parents pay only for the things that are not a priority for you (and let them decide everything on those things).

You could always plan a suprise wedding in April – you know, get everyone together, plan a nice party, and then suprise you’re getting married!

Post # 58
544 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2009

View original reply
@staceynrick:  Okay….I understand sleep deprivation….I’ve been there.  I worked straight nights as an neuro/trauma ICU nurse.  But that does not make you bipolar and neither should colitis. 

That said…..I’m glad to see so many wonderful words of advice.  Go with your gut and what makes YOU AND YOUR Fiance happy, not your mother.

Post # 59
132 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Wow.  Just wow.  I’m so sorry that you’re dealing with this.  I agree with most of the posters when I say ELOPE!  Seriously.  Get a dress off Craigslist, get a free make over at a make up counter, have your fiance wear his Sunday best, and elope. 

You could even do it locally like I did!  My fiance and I had to get legally married because of green card issues so we had my best friend get ordained on the Church of Interwebs (or something like that), wore nice clothes and have a few friends meet us at our favorite park.  We then went out to the swankiest restaurant in town for dessert.  All told, the whole thing cost us about $150.00 and it was perfect. 

Then, maybe save up for a year and take a FABULOUS honeymoon or throw an awesome reception for friends and family on YOUR terms.

Hugs in this whole situation.  It sucks.  🙁

Post # 60
210 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

If I were you, I would absolutely elope.  The level of control she wants to have over your wedding day is shocking to me.  It’s almost like she’s treating you like an employee, insisting on photos of the dress before purchase and during alterations.  It’s supposed to be YOUR dress.  I wouldn’t put up with these kind of demands.  Totally not worth it.  And her attitude towards your fiance and his family is really out of line.  I would consider confronting her on that.  Good luck!!!

Post # 61
1401 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

Whoa. Your mom is crazy. I’d elope, no question. 

The topic ‘So, do I cancel everything pay my dad the deposits back and elope or suck it up?’ is closed to new replies.

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