(Closed) SO doesn’t think I’m attracted to him anymore! Help!

posted 7 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 3
1723 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Sorry you are going through this!  I think this is one of those times where you can’t really do anything you just have to talk to him.  I would tell him you’ve been feeling bad which makes you not really in the mood.  I can understand him feeling that way after a long period of time, but it’s not your fault either so I think you just have to talk about it.

Post # 4
3142 posts
Sugar bee

If it’s under control then why is it still affecting your libido?

Post # 5
405 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I have something similar (IBD) so I know exactly how you feel.  When I’m feeling bad I’m not really in the mood, but even after starting to get better I still just don’t feel sexy enough to get in the mood.  Definitely just talk to your man, he should understand.  And hopefully soon you’ll be all better and back to your ‘active sex life’! :p

Post # 6
4354 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I’m pretty sure you just described how my life was a few months ago. The SAME thing happened to me only it was right after we moved in together. I was diagnosed with ulcerative colitis (a form of IBD) right after we moved in and was incredibly sick for MONTHS and couldn’t work for over 3 months. I felt terrible that moving in to our new home was ruined by my exhaution and illness in general and Fiance had a hard time understanding because I with held details or any real explanations as to why I didn’t feel well (it’s not such a flattering illness) so of course he wasn’t going to understand. With the help of medication my illness got under control but after being sick and non sexual for so long it was almost like I forgot how to enjoy myself with my Fiance. I just tried to relax and not over analyze the situation in my mind (the more I thought about it the less I wanted to partake in any activities) so my suggestion is go with the flow and slowly it will go back to normal. Being sick isn’t easy but neither is loving someone who is, so cut your man a little slack because it is hard on him too. Just work at it and be patient, you’ll find your groove.

Post # 7
4755 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

He equates love with sex. In order for him to feel loved he needs sex. I doubt this is going to help you but from his point of view that’s how he’s seeing it.

Is there anything he can do to help get you in the mood?

Post # 8
5110 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2011

Oh im so sorry your feeling this way.. and hes feeling this way. At this point you just need to talk to him, and tell him how the ibs affects you.. but sometimes as I have learned you just gotta suck it up and do it lol… its important… to my Fiance at least so sometimes even when you dont feel like it make the effort. Let yourself go in the moment and forget the icky feelings.. maybe it will help idk.

Post # 9
1735 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

Even if you’re not feeling it, and I’ve been there, can you ‘help him out’ in ways that mean yo’re not expected to ‘perform’?  I mean, offer a helping hand, initiate a heling hand, but don’t go through the whole program?  There have been plenty of days when I know that due to medication interactions (allergy meds can mess up your natural ‘KY”), ilness, food poisoning, and just plain old exhaustion can make me hesitiant to initiate, as I’m not feeling sexy, I now I’ll ‘take a long time’, or I know my body just won’t cooperate even if my mind is in the right place, so I kinda head things off at the pass, and make sure he’s ‘taken care of’ and tell him he owes me one when I’m feeling better 😛  

Men don’t quite understand how much a healthy feeling body affects a woman’s libido – even sick, unshowered and unshaven, they can override the “Man, I feel gross” feelings and be ready to go.  A woman’s libido is more mental, which is tied into our physical body image.  If I just felt sick to my stomach for the last 2 days, sexy I am NOT feeling.  If’ I’ve been running a fever or need to abth and brush my teeth constantly (that ‘sick taste in your mouth drives me nuts) to feel clean, I do not feel “freah” and do not want to feel worried about smelling bad, so my body can shut down, and just not respond.

vmec has it right – many men equate affection with sex.  So if you can give him some affection  = non-intercourse but still enjoyable interaction, he might not feel so bad, and maybe, halfway through, YOU might feel more inclined to continue.

To mak him feel better, make a point of surprising him when you DO feel good – initiate instead of waiting for him.  That will be the best way to alleviate his concerns.

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