(Closed) So DONE with this wedding! Advice, please?

posted 5 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 2
Member
32 posts
Newbee

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botheredbridesmaid:  Oh this wedding does sound stressful! There are, thankfully, some steps and measures you can take. The first being talking to your friend in an honest way. Prepare a script of concern, “Friend, every time we talk you seem really stressed. I want to support you, the way you’ve supported me, but I think you need to talk to someone with more experience in some of these situations. I can help you find a wedding cordinator/therapist/etc because it’s gotten to feel like more than I can handle”. 

If an honest conversation is more than you think she can handle, or you’re worried about backlash at this point, then you need to put some boundaries and distance up for the time being. This friend is not invited to your house right now. Why? Because you need to only meet her in places that you can leave. Consider the friendly lunch. Lunch is inexpensive and has a pretty defined window. Movies are nice distractions and you don’t talk during them, and then afterwards you can talk about the movie. Schedule stuff that is fun, out of the house, has a well-defined structure and a definite end-time. On IM/chat or whatever? She is blocked for the time being. Or you are “invisible” so you can choose when and if to chat her. Your phone calls now have a 20 minute time limit. Find a graceful way to get off the phone with her (having to pee is pretty irrefutable) when she calls. Periodically call her to check in, and limit it to 20 minutes so that you feel more proactive and in control and it doesn’t feel like you’re dodging her. When she complains, and it’s your turn to talk (eventually), redirect her toward solutions by asking questions. “So what are you going to do?” “What do you want to do now?” “Do you want my advice, or are you just venting?” “How are you going to handle that?” “Do you have a plan?“

I realize that all of this sounds really cold. She’s your friend, not some problem to be managed! But she’s in a very bad cycle. You need to protect yourself from her damaging decisions. Give yourself a break. You are not a bad friend for getting sick of the complaining. You are not a bad friend for wanting a break from the negativity. Take some time to rest up and bring yourself back to zen. These wedding problems are her problems. You can still be a great friend to her and be in her wedding party, but it’s not up to you to fix or be focused on her problems.

Post # 3
Member
631 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

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botheredbridesmaid:  Many brides like to wear the “entitled” crown once they’re engaged.  It passes but I would suggest talking to her and voicing your concerns.  Just tell her you want to help overcome some of her stress by planning her bachelorette with the other bridesmaids, or help out with xyz, etc.

Post # 4
Member
2180 posts
Buzzing bee

1. It sounds like you’re almost out of the woods. I wouldn’t get serious distance or terminate a friendship just yet when the end (the wedding) is in sight–bite your tongue and let her make her life more complicated. You do still refer to this person as one of your best friends.

2. What do you mean “everyone is involved” with their debt? Are they obsessively giving updates through mass email? Borrowing money? Constantly complaining? I would try to put a damper on that with a “Sorry, your finances are not really my business and I don’t really want to hear about them.” Don’t make yourself available for more venting sessions or wedding talk. Your time with her is now on a strictly ‘absolutely necessary for the wedding’ basis. 

3. I don’t know what your relationship was like before, but one thing I appreciate about my friends is that they can (and will) call me out on my shit. If this has been constructive in the past, it’s long overdue.

Post # 5
Member
160 posts
Blushing bee

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botheredbridesmaid:  You sound like a good friend! Honestly, there’s no right or wrong way here, because only you know the boundaries of your friendship. Are you guys open and honest? Call her out, in a nice way. My advice is to basically limit your interactions with her, while still being supportive. If she’s complaining that she needs help in a certain area, and you feel like it’s something you can manage, offer to help. You could try saying “Bride, you seem so stressed over the wedding, let’s plan a girls day and we won’t talk wedding stuff and just hang out and have fun!” and see if that works? Just try to get through to the wedding. Most bridezillas go back to normal once the party is over.

Side note – I wonder if there aren’t underlying reasons for her behavior? You mentioned recent relationship issues with her fiance. As a friend, not a bridesmaid, I would make sure everything is OK with her.

Post # 6
Member
138 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

AH i so hope i won’t be like this for our wedding. 

1. Regarding the budget: maybe they think that with guests’ gifts it will offset the bidget, as in thye will get their money back?

2. Bridal shower: look ta it from a positive side, if she planned it then it’s less worry for you! 🙂

3. bachelorette should be arranged by bridesmaids, not her. But, yet again, if she’s a control freak then let her do it too, with your help.

I think all the BMs are fed up with all the weddings at some point, but being a good friend means to be with someone even when it’s stressful. Try not to sweat the small stuff, i know easier said than done, but try to have fun and remember: she is nervous, scared and confused, so she needs you.

Post # 7
Member
1651 posts
Bumble bee

5k for a bridal shower… is she the princess bride?

Post # 9
Member
366 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

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botheredbridesmaid:  I don’t have any good advice, just hugs. So sorry for your loss <3

Post # 10
Member
160 posts
Blushing bee

 

botheredbridesmaid:  I am so sorry for your loss, bee. I have even less respect for your “friend” (sorry), who should be supporting you, as a friend, around this time. If you don’t think you want to go the bachelorette, just tell her you can’t. You don’t need to give her a reason. If she took the planning from, that means she took the financial responsibility too. It’s NOT your job to support her financially for it. Or tell her you will pay for what you planned, which is what YOU can afford, and if that’s not a sufficient party for her, politely decline.

Honestly, limit your interactions/communications with her. Put a smile on for the wedding day and after that, take a breather from the friendship and make sure she’s still someone you want in your life. From what you’ve mentioned, it doesn’t sound like she’s very deserving of your friendship at present.

Post # 11
Member
1003 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2018

ugh. I was just in a wedding like this, except on top of it all, the costs required of me were insane (they did everything so last minute costs were sky high, in spite of an 18 month engagement)

ride it out! honestly this is the best advice I can give you. Be ever helpful and cheerful to your friend who is entering the busiest month of all, and just keep moving forward day by day toward the open bar reception. Where you will get drunk, dance, and enjoy the fact that your job is done.

Your friend will be back to normal after the honeymoon… 

 

Post # 13
Member
1799 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

You get your day to sit around, cry and eat icecream if that si what you need to do and if she makes you feel terrible about it then she is a terrible person.  I am sorry for your loss and I hope everything gets better for you.

Post # 14
Member
128 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

I would pay for what I can afford and tell her”I am having some emotional issues and I don’t want them to affect ur day or draw attention from ur festivities so I need to take a breather so that I can be 100percent on ur big day”.Seems like she’s so far in her spotlight bubble that she will gladly give u some time in fear that u may grab some attention 

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