Post # 1
I post here often but am so embarrased about this so am posting under a pesudonym. None of my female friends talk about this and you ladies give such great advice. FH and I waited to have sex until we were married. (FH has slept with other people (double digits), I had not.) I was so excited to finally have sex with him abd figured it would be great since I could always…enjoy myself alone. First few times were almost unbearable, and while it has gotten so that it (usually) doesn’t hurt, it is no fun. Sometimes even when just touching me it hurts. I try to initiate since I want him to enjoy it and keep thinking that if we do it more, it will get better, but other than little-no pain, it’s not. FH is patient, we have a good amount of foreplay and he tries so hard to make me orgasm, and we use lube, but either 1. takes FOREVER and never as good as when it’s just me or 2. we both get so frustrated and give up. He has encouraged me to masturbate more and use a vibrator, but it’s no fun anymore. (Nothing medically wrong except depression but my doctor says that the medicine I am on doesn’t have any of those side effects and that the one I am on often is used to combat those.) He has said he doesn’t enjoy it much since I don’t, and I am so frustrated since I feel like I am bad in bed, and am really starting to hate sex. I don’t know what to do.
Post # 3
Here are a few ideas 🙂
To help with lubrication, ask him if he will go down on you (lube is so unsexy).
Switch up positions! Try being on top, you will get control of the motion and be able to hit the spots that you want. Also try making love somewhere outside of the bedroom. Maybe standing in the bathroom in front of the mirror, or just start going at it on the couch while you’re watching a movie!
Post # 4
are you relaxed when youre having sex? maybe the anxiety of it hurting is preventing you from enjoying it. dont feel too shy to tell him how to touch you either and praise him whenever he does something right so he doesnt become discouraged, communicate about your sex life. sex is meant to be enjoyable and theres no reason it cant be for you. sex does take some time to feel comfortable though so if youre just starting out dont give up. hang in there! maybe even explore things that might excite you more like sex in the shower or something.
Post # 5
I am going to be kind of blunt so I hope I don’t offend…
My advice would be to “pleasure yourself” with him watching so that your husband will see what touches, strokes, etc. get you in the mood and bring you to orgasm. Your husband may have had women in double-digit numbers but he has never has YOU and no matter what you hear to the contrary…one size fit all..does not apply to sex. Another thing…have you guys tried any lubricants?? I hear good things about the KY “yours and mine” line of lubricants. And my last and final comment. How vocal are you during sex about what you like/don’t like. If your husband does something that feels good…let him know so he knows to keep doing it. If he is doing something that is painful or just doesn’t do anything for you…let him know that too. It’s all about the two of you learning how to please each other and communication goes a long way.
Post # 6
I had similar problems until I figured out that I was so tense about enjoying it that I was making it worse! I finally figured out that doing things like taking a bath beforehand and stretching foreplay waaaay out were helpful. Long full-body massages helped me to relax and then things were less painful and having an orgasm was easier. Also, for me personally Fiance knows that if we incorporate something like a vibrator into sex then it is easier for me and keeps him from uhhh jumping the gun (hahaha, there is no good way to say that).
Post # 7
Also if this is your first sexual encounter, it will take time for you to “grow into yourself” so to speak… do you feel sexy right before sex or anxious? For me my first times (eons ago) sex was very uncomfortable and scary.. and then I grew more confident in myself and my body and WOWZA’S!!! When you make happy (:D) by yourself what do you think of? Next time you’re initiating tell him what you are thinking of.. or make happy with him watching and tell him the thoughts going through your mind and have him tell you what’s going through yours… good luck and ((HUGS))
Post # 8
Tons of great advice here already! Here are my 2 cents:
First of all, it’s great that you know what feels good to you because you “go solo” at times. Use what you know. I know exactly how and where I like to be touched and am able to guide him.
Next, do you experiment with positions? Standard missionary is not always the best way to go. Believe it or not, the Cosmo website has some great position ideas. Some are scary and I would never try, but others are great. Also, try having sex in the shower. It’s so fun 🙂
Finally, don’t worry so much about having an orgasm. It is very hard for me (and I’m sure other women) to orgasm with the guy inside. I never orgasm vaginally, only…externally? Lol, not sure how to word that. I just try to enjoy sex as much as possible and if I orgasm then YAY! But if not, I don’t worry about it. I personally don’t like receiving oral, but that is a great way to achieve orgasm, too.
Oh, one more thing. Not sure about your feelings toward porn, but Fiance and I have watched it together a few times and it made the sex seriously amazing. If you’re not into it, that’s fine, too. Just wanted to throw it out there.
I promise, it will get better and you are NOT bad at sex. Practice makes almost-perfect!
Post # 9
First of all, I’m sure you’re not “bad in bed”! You’ve only had sex a few times, but I can understand how frustrating it would be to not be able to enjoy it. My bet is that, after the first few failed times, you started tensing up and expecting it to hurt every subsequent time. I sometimes have that problem – I think it will hurt, so I tense up expecting it, and then it hurts, so it becomes this cycle. It’s the same way with getting shots. What I’ve found helps is to ask him to stop, take several deep breaths and get all the tension out of my system, and then continue. I’m willing to bet that may be what’s happening with you as well! I hope you get it all worked out!
Post # 10
I am a regular poster and I am posting under a psuedonym as well. Because, I have NEVER said this out loud. I have been having sex for about eight years, and while it can be fun, and is a really important part of being close with my husband, it has NEVER been as good as going solo. Not even close. Not even approaching close. I’ve tried – new locations, lube, vibrators, all sorts of different positions and acts (other than intercourse). But it just has never worked. And — here’s what I think people think is so horrible — I’ve just come to accept it. I enjoy sex as an act of closeness and fun with my husband, and sometimes it’s pleasurable. But when I need real release, I … well, you know. I’ve stopped feeling ashamed of it. I’m very happy with the scope and quality of my sex life. It’s ok. (Oh and for the record, our relationship hasn’t suffered I don’t think. We have fun, vocal, good sex 2-3 times per week!)
Post # 11
The times when sex is a little painful for me is when I think im in the mood but am not. During foreplay I will think that I am aroused, but am not & this is evident as soon as we start having sex.
One of the reasons you may be enjoying your alone time more then w/ your husband is bc alone time forces you to concentrate on sex & you are mentally really into it., and more then likely you are fantasizing…
Now this is going to be Too Much Information for sure! In order for me to really get into sex, I have to fantasize; what works best for me is to replay a porn scene in my head & I envision myself in the scene and concentrate on the physical part. I concentrate really hard about how every detail feels & fantasize. Therefore, if I’m mentally exhausted & can’t bring myself into that mental state sex is unpleasurable & often painful. This may not be the same for you, but this is what the difference is for me between enjoyable sex vs. non enjoyable. 🙂
Post # 12
Do you drink? If so, a glass or two of wine might be a good way to relax before sex. I’m not saying that you should get wasted, just a little tipsy so that maybe you will be less anxious about it.
Post # 13
I’m thinking this is mostly in your head, and not physical, as other posters have suggested.
Relax….and stop putting so much worry/thought into the “big O”. I didn’t wait to have sex until marriage (obviously!) but I think it has to be a huge mental switch after spending your whole life trying not to have sex…and then jumping right into it!
Others have had great suggestions in terms of the technicalities, but I think most of all, you just need to relax. And don’t be afraid to point your husband in the right direction ;o)
Post # 14
Definitely give it some time! A glass of wine will definitely help soothe some nerves.
Also, it takes to get used to sex with a partner versus sex by yourself. You aren’t the only one who has their SO reach for their playthings simply b/c sometimes the real thing isn’t doing the trick….
You sound like you’re just working yourself all up. It’s so easy to take care of it yourself, quickly, enjoyable, and be done. It’s much harder with another person because there are so many other distractions going on.
Post # 15
Just be sure that if you use KY yours and mine, you store it upright…it leaks. I had it in a drawer and it was all over everything in there!!!! I agree with Jamaica, but I know that can be kind of akward…maybe video tape yourself and let him watch the tape? IDK. Good luck.
Post # 16
Try to relax. You are probably so tense and nervouse about it all, that you can’t enjoy it! Maybe have a glass of wine or something before hand, just to relax yourself. Have him watch you so he knows how you like it. Talk to him during sex. Tell him what feels good, what doesn’t, how fast/slow, hard/soft (Sorry if TMI!!!) you want it. Switch positions around. Use a C-ring, then you can have him and the vibrations if you want, and it feels good for him. But really, try to relax and don’t try so hard to make yourself enjoy it, I don’t think that will help! And I’m not saying it has to be drunk sex, but maybe really do try having a drink before to get yourself relaxed.