Post # 1
SO and were dating 10 months. We had a wonderful relationship and were both very open about our love for eachother. He brought out feelings that I never felt with any of my exes, and I definitely thought that he could be the one. He has so many amazing qualities that I was looking for in someone I wanted to be with, and many of these were things I’d never found in guys I’d previously dated. Because I was having such strong feelings for him, about 2 months ago, I told him that I was starting to think about our future together and wanted to know where he stood on the idea of moving in together and possibly marriage one day. (I want to stress that I simply brought these up in conversation to guage his feelings and in no way gave him an ultimatum or anything like that). He explained that he wasn’t ready to start thinking about the future and couldn’t offer me an answer as to what his plans were. He’s 3 years younger than me (24 and 27), and really mature in many ways, most of his friends are older, and many of them are married with kids. Respecting his stance on the topic, I decided to give him some time and didn’t bring it up again. I admit I wasn’t feeling as secure in the relationship the last 2 months since I made myself very vulnerable and he told me that we weren’t exactly on the same page, but I did my best not to let this shine through.
On Friday evening, he ended up bringing up our past conversation about this topic, and said he’s been doing some thinking and realized that he’s still no where near ready to discuss having a future with me and might not be ready for this for several years. He owns his own business and has a list of things he wants to accomplish professionally before he will be ready to settle down. I told him that I understood his position, would be supportive of his business goals, and would wait until he was ready to move forward, but that if he had any doubts about our ability to work out in the long run, he should let me know now.
SO then proceeded to end the relationship, saying that he loved me and thought I was the most amazing girl he’d ever met and that we could continue the relationship and be happy for awhile, but that he’d most likely still not be ready in a few years and knows it would be unfair to string me along. I really, really appreciate his honesty and unwillingness to carry this out longer knowing that it will hurt much worse a year from now, but I am beyond crushed and heartbroken. We got together Sunday to continue talking, but we mostly just sat on his couch and hugged and cried. I know we both still love eachother and it feels that our relationship is ending prematurely. We were in the middle of planning a trip together, and we’d just gotten back from a great weekend away together, so the timing of this breakup has taken me completely by surprise. I’m in the worst amount of pain I’ve ever experienced, even more so than when I found out my ex was cheating on me.
Now I’m faced with the huge uphill battle of getting over him. I don’t want to move on; I can’t imagine dating anyone else. I just want him, and it’s really difficult to accept that he doesn’t feel the same.
Any bees have words or encouragement or similar situations they want to share? I really appreciate the support everyone here gives eachother.
Post # 3
I know you probably feel like you bringing up marriage might have contributed to the relationship ending, but honestly I think you did yourself a huge favor. I know it hurts now, but think about how badly it would have hurt a year and a half from now.
It’s hard, but he is telling you everything you need to know about his readiness for marriage. Most guys aren’t ready until their late 20s, even the mature ones. If he doesn’t want you waiting for him, you should believe him and move on, because there is a guy out there who will consider himself very fortunate to get to marry you, and now you can meet him. I think your ex was very mature, however, in not stringing you along. There’s nothing saying you can’t get back together in 4 or 5 years when he is the age most men are when they’re ready to marry, but there’s no way to figure out whether that’s the right thing to do without spending some serious time apart and dating other people.
Post # 4
First off, sending massive hugs your way. I can’t even imagine how you are feeling right now hon. THe best thing that you can do is learn that this happened for a reason, and move on. I know that’s the LAST thing that you want to hear right now, but it’s what you need to do.
This all happened for a reason, and obviously, like he said, he was not ready for a commitment. You would have been miserable waiting and wanting for him to get ready to take that next step in life and he just wasn’t going to do it. I commend him for being honest with you though.
Take some time off from relationships, take time to heal, curl up on the couch with your bff and some Ben and Jerry’s and watch some chick flicks. It does all get better honey. This is just another part of the plan and when the right person comes along who does realize how lucky he’ll be to spend the rest of his life with you, you will understand why all of this is happening.
Post # 5
((HUGS)) I’m so sorry to hear this. Breaking up a relationship is one of the hardest things we ever have to face in life.
Be nice to yourself for awhile and give yourself time to grieve the ending. It’s never easy but you’ll make it through. Take things one step at a time. During the worst emotional pain just remember to breathe. And cry. And breathe.
It will get easier but it’ll take some time.
My heart goes out to you.
Post # 6
@FearLess: Big hugs, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. But PPs are right, and you yourself said it in your post – it’s great of him to be so honest with you. This is a rubbish period and it’ll be really tough for you, so be kind to yourself. Don’t worry about dating other people for now! Just look after yourself – lots of bubble baths and movies and nights in and out with friends. My grandmother (who was just an absolute hero!) used to say “what’s for you won’t pass you”. If this guy is really the right person for you, you’ll find your way back together in time. For now, move on – date, don’t date, be happy with you, go dancing! – and try to be happy that he cared and respected you enough to let you go because he couldn’t give you what you wanted and wouldn’t make a false promise. It may make it harder now, but in the long run I think you’ll be happy for it.
Thinking of you x
Post # 7
I’m so sorry that you’re going through this! My thoughts will be with you!
Post # 8
Step 1: End all communication and cut him out of your life. You won’t be able to move on if you stay in contact, also remove him from facebook.
Step 2: Surround yourself with friends and family that love you, keep busy. This will prevent you from trying to contact him and will help get your mind off everything.
It’s hard, I know, and you don’t see it yet, but this was the best thing for you. you will now be free to find someone that is able to give you everything you ever wanted. It will take time.
Post # 9
The hardest break up in my life was when my Ex husband decided that he did not want to be with me anymore (he also had an affair with a co-worker). He said that he was not ever really ready to get married….he had strung me along for 5 years straight and….I gotta tell ya…if he was a bigger person and broke it off with me BEFORE he asked me to marry him, it would have been sooo much better! Be thankful that he was not a coward like my ex. By the time we divorced I was 26 and was sooo mad that he wasted my early 20’s! If you are 27 years old then you should not be wasting your time with someone that is not ready to commit anyway. *Hugs* Time heals all wounds! I have since remarried and could not be happier
Post # 10
I’m trying to do all of those steps. I deleted my FB so that I wouldn’t have to go through the awkwardness of changing the relationship status and deleting all of our photos. The no contact part is what I’m really struggling with. I’m constantly fighting the urge to call him, but I’ve held strong so far.
Thanks for sharing that with me. I’m so sorry you had to endure what you went through with your marriage, but so glad you were able to move on to something so much better!
Post # 11
@drummerbride: No contact is honestly the best thing. It’s hard and will be the last thing you want to do, but it’s the one thing that helped me finally move on from my last relationship.
@FearLess: I’m really sorry to hear you have to go through this. I can only imagine the pain you’re feeling. After my last breakup, I got sick of hearing people say “It’ll get better, I promise.” …but it honestly will. And it will make complete sense to you one day. It doesn’t right now but it will.
Hang in there and come vent here any time you need to!
Post # 12
@FearLess: *HUGS* So sorry you’re hurting right now. Just be glad that he was honest with you and didn’t string you along. Go call up some friends and spoil yourself. Before you know it, the perfect guy for you will be in your life when the time is right.
Post # 13
I’m so, so sorry that you are going through this right now. It sucks, it really does. But I think you are on the right path. You know that it is for the best, even though it’s so painful right now. And having no contact is going to help you heal from this. Before I met my husband, I was in a serious relationship, and my boyfriend at the time ended things with me suddenly, without warning. It was devestating and I only wanted to be with him, couldn’t imagine finding anyone else like him. But I cut off contact and just kept moving forward. A couple of years later, I met my now husband and realized that this relationship was even better than my previous one. I now feel really lucky that my ex ended it. But at the time, it definitely sucked. Hugs to you girl, hang in there!
Post # 14
A billion hugs coming your way. Best advice I can give is to keep busy and surround yourself with family and friends. It’ll help keep your mind occupied. Also, I agree with the PP about cutting off all contact with him. Block him from Facebook so you’re tempted to stalk him.
Post # 15
What she said @JessMorgan777: Better now than a divorce later. I hope you heal quickly and come out stronger and better.
Post # 16
I’m really sorry about what’s happened, sweetie. That’s very difficult and heartbreaking. Just rest assured you did nothing wrong, and you didn’t scare him off. And it’s ok to be heartbroken right now. I agree with PP’s that you’re best off cutting off contact with him for a while.
I know this might suck to hear, but I think he did the right thing by ending it now rather than stringing you along. He has opened the path for you to find someone who shares your life goals. It will happen in time. In the meantime, go out dancing with the girls, take a class or pick up a hobby you’ve always wanted to do, and nourish your soul while you heal.