SO Engagement Pressure

posted 2 years ago in Engagement
Post # 16
Member
1171 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

Can you compromise and just have a long engagement?

Post # 17
Member
518 posts
Busy bee

littlemissdimsum :  I would say the same to a 22 year old girl though who was trying to rush a guy into getting engaged. If you’re going to spend the rest of your lives together what is the rush?! I don’t like the threat of get engaged now or I’ll break up with you. 

Post # 19
Member
109 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2020

Could you say to him you don’t believe in long engagements and that once engaged you imagine yourself being married within a year or so and since your not financially in a position to pay for the type of wedding you want within that time frame you would rather wait to become officially engaged. 

Post # 20
Member
1165 posts
Bumble bee

I think it’s important to recognize both of your needs and find someway to compromise. He wants to get engaged right after college and you want to wait until you’re established in your careers. Can you meet in the middle and give him a 6 months after graduation timeline? I’m sure this won’t give you enough time to really build up significant savings but you’ll probably be employed and self sufficient. I like timelines because you’re putting abstract ideas into something concrete. 

Post # 21
Member
176 posts
Blushing bee

22 is too young. I don’t care if you’ve been dating since you were 10. You change sooooo much between your early 20s and your late 20s and you just cannot predict what path your life and his life will take you on. 

I would either compromise by getting engaged with the understanding the wedding is at least 5 years off. I had friends get married this year who were engaged this long. Yes it’s unusual but i really don’t see it as a big deal in this case where he wants to profess his commitment but you need to pump the breaks on the legalities. 

Another option would be to give each other promise rings so again he knows you’re committed but you just aren’t doing the actual marriage thing yet. 

The fact that he wants to marry you before he can even support himself is concerning. It shows he is still living in a dream world with unrealistic ideals.  If he absolutely makes you pick between marrying him now and the relationship then i would give up the relationship. 

My back story: at 22 my ex of 4 years wanted me to have a baby. I was finishing up college. I hadn’t even worked a salaried job yet. I was making minimum wage. I couldn’t fathom it. I told him i needed to wait and popped my birth control pills like no ones business. We broke up a year later. Trust me when i say i thank God every day i didn’t make a lifelong commitment to that man. 

Post # 22
Member
1518 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

Bee it really comes down to being clear in what your wants, needs & expectations are, expressing that to your SO and allowing him to express his.  You either will be able to come to an agreement with clear consequences or you will both decide that you and he are not on the same page and part ways.  At least this is how adults, who are not being selfish, are supposed to act.

Bee this man is ready to be married or at least engaged.  If this is not something you see yourself wanting in the near future, then you need to let him find someone who is on the same level as he. This is what the bee’s say about guys who string along their SO’s and it should be no different for you.  It would be selfish of you and unfair to him to string him along.  If you truly care for him, respect him enough to be clear about what your intentions are and give him the choice of deciding whether or not he wants that as well. 

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