Post # 1
This is a spin- off of the “Is he cheap?” thread in which a Bee is concerned that her new man doesn’t buy her enough or offer to buy her stuff with the “right” attitude – whatever that is.
It reminded me a bit of a guy I dated mercifully briefly many years ago who weirded me out by trying to buy my affections. Basically, he showed up to our first date with a gift. No LV bag I think maybe flowers and chocolates or something. Very sweet.
Second date, another gift. Third, same thing. Tried to buy me stuff when we were out together. If I admired something in a window, he quickly offered to buy it. I stopped admiring stuff in windows. I knew he was into me and trying to charm me but it was starting to feel really icky. I definitely got the vibe that if I had asked or hinted for something, or even a lot of something’s, he would have produced them in an effort to win my affections.
I had already told him on dates two and three he didn’t need to bring me gifts or buy me things. When it didn’t stop and he ramped it up even more, including buying my family members gifts, I attempted to shut it down as in, please stop – I appreciate the thought but you are making me uncomfortable. Stop!
Due to this and other issues with him, things were already going south but before I finally threw in the towel I remember him telling me over dinner about how his former wife wronged him and indicating he felt especially betrayed considering all the stuff he bought for her!
There was no doubt in my mind that his trying to buy love was a pattern and I even tried to point out that any woman comfortable with accepting lots of gifts was likely more interested in the gifts than him but I’m pretty sure that fell on deaf ears.
I don’t know what became of him after we parted ways but I could easily see him ending up as one of those bitter dudes who complain that all women are users without ever figuring out that’s exactly the only type of woman his behavior would attract. I know it came from a place of insecurity but I also think it came from a rather dark, “now you owe me!” place as well.
Anyone else experience this?
Bonus question: would you be okay with a man lavishing gifts on you early in a relationship? Why or why not?
Post # 2
That situation is very odd to, on your first date? Maybe once you’re officially a couple he can start buying things every now and then but every single date when you’re just dating? That’s too much. FI buys me things every now and then and supports me financially when I need it but he knows he doesn’t need to buy my love, he would have it without those things and he has never tried to ‘buy my love’, never been with someone like that thank goodness.
Post # 3
I’ve had guys bring me a little gift on a first date before – nothing extravagant, maybe a little bouquet of flowers, a CD, things like that, so at first I didn’t think anything of it. But when it continued and the gifts got a little bigger and he kept offerring to buy me stuff, yeah, it got weird and uncomfortable fast.
Post # 4
FI just bought me flowers today. The flowers are beautiful but c’mon…I can’t eat flowers! My inner fat kid loved the Thin Mints he brought home WAAAAY more!
In the beginning though FI tried charming me with presents. He got me a diamond necklace the first Christmas we were together…and we had only been dating about a month. I felt so awkward and I think I hurt his feelings because I kept ignorning that little box under the tree he was so excited about. :/ It all turned out though and now it’s my favorite necklace 🙂
Post # 5
I just feel like guys like that are expecting the woman to give them something in return, and quickly, sooner than maybe the woman would be comfortable with. A sort of ‘I bought you stuff so you have to give me what I want’ situation. I don’t know where I got that idea from, popular culture I suppose, it’s just the feeling I get with situations like you described with the guy you dated.
Post # 6
Nope, but probably because prior to the first date I have always made it clear I can pay my own way!
Have I been given little thoughtful gifts? Yes. Chocolates, flowers etc.
Have I ever asked for a $500 watch instead of a $200 one? Or expected a gift worth over $1000 just because I had gifted a similar amount? Nup.
Post # 7
Zhabeego: My first date with my husband was soft-serve ice-cream on the beach because it was literally all he could afford. I didn’t get any gifts at all for a very long time because he could afford them. I think my first gift from him was my birthday the next year. Luckily gifts don’t bug me, it’s more the time I get to spend with him. Although I was rather annoyed this year that my birthday gift was bought the day before after we went shopping together so I could point out various things I liked…
Post # 8
When I was in my early 20ies, I dated a guy who hardly ever showed up without flowers, chocolates, a teddybear for my niece… They weren’t hugely expensive items but we were both students and it seemed like a lot to me. It was really, really sweet of him. He was just a really great and generous guy and he happened to come from a well to do family so he wasn’t quite as broke as I was. It did make me feel uncomfortable though and I asked him to stop because I couldn’t really reciprocate.
I’m still not sure whether or not he was trying to buy my love – he was more into me than I was into him so maybe he just did it subconsciously. I doubt he would do something like that on purpose. Like I said, he was a great guy. Eventually I broke up with him because there was no “spark”, I only loved him as a friend and he really deserved more. I did worry though that he would end up with some gold digger because he was such a genuinely nice guy who never noticed people were taking advantage of his generosity.
Post # 9
Ugh, worse. I had a guy try to buy my MOTHER’S love! We were honestly both weirded out. He wanted so desperately to be a member of the family and win her approval, but she was put off by him trying so hard.
Post # 10
- Wedding: December 2014 - Norton Country Club
I dated a guy who was broke, but had a great job which confused (and worried) me. I figured it out soon enough when he started sending over-the-top gifts to me “just because”. I tried explaining how I’d rather have time with him and that gifts should always be proportional to the commitment of a relationship- to me, gifts in the $100 range were indicative of much more commitment than 3 dates! He did tone it down and things progressed. When we got more serious, he started again! I eventually explained that we should have a nest-egg for when times would get rough. That sent him into calling me a gold digger! I wasn’t asking for the money, but I was trying to encourage him to save it! His not being able to save made me realize that we did not have the same financial goals at all.
Fortunately, that didn’t last and now I’ve met my sweet FI who will surprise me with thoughtful notes and occasional, appropriate gifts. I’ve learned that hearing a man talk about all of stuff his ex expected him to buy is more telling anout the man than about his exes!
Post # 11
I haven’t been in this situation. My SO and I do not have a whole lot of $$ right now as we are both currently students. However, I do have to be careful about casually saying I want something because he will just buy it! He doesn’t really have a lot of “fun” expenseses because he honestly doesnt really want much. So he wants to spend all his discretionary funds on me! I have to yell at him sometimes not to spend $400 on a birthday gift for me! I don’t need it!!
Post # 12
Zhabeego: Yes and it totally weirded me out. While I understand that the guy was seeing had a decent amount of money (had a real estate company in Newport, CA), it made me super uncomfortable especially when the gifts were delivered to my work/in front of friends. I think if the gifts had been smaller (i.e. some chocolates, 1 bouquet of flowers, etc), it wouldn’t have been as bad; however, getting a room full of flowers delivered after one date is not normal. I personally feel that big ticket items (i.e. jewelry, vacations, etc) should be reserved for people in long term/serious relationships. My husband loves to spoil me, but we’re married so I feel differently about it.
Post # 13
FH and I sort of went through something similar when we first started dating in uni. I’d been fairly financially independant for a few years by that point, as had he, but he always insisted on buying lunch, dinner, drinks, etc for both of us. I wanted to do the same now and again since we were both students, but he was really uncomfortable about it.
He finally admitted that he had always paid for everything in his last relationship, and the day she broke up with him he knew it was coming because she insisted on buying her own lunch. So every time I insisted on splitting the bill or picking it up completely, it sent him into a bit of a panic!