(Closed) So FI wants the Bees input on his situation

posted 8 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
18643 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I don’t think it is right to address an invite to only one person in a married couple.

Post # 4
97 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

Oh boy, tricky one.

I would say if your Fiance wants any chance of salvaging his relationship with Hank, he needs to invite Hank + Hank’s wife.  However, it seems like the relationship might be too far gone to salvage at this point, in which case I would invite neither of them.

Post # 5
2083 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I agree with you, it sounds like if he doesn’t address the invite to both of them then there will be zero chance of him coming. If someone is married, you pretty much have to invite the spouse. If they were just dating it could be different I think…

I would tell him that even though it is devastating, don’t ask him to be the best man. The best man needs to be someone that you can rely on and that will cause no drama… When it comes to that, you need someone that you have a stable relationship with and can trust them to help your day go smoothly.

I would invite them both… if they don’t show up though, then I’m pretty sure that would be an indicator that the friendship may truly be over.

Tell him I’m sorry for his situation! I know how it feels to lose a best friend because of their SO. It is awful.

Post # 6
1184 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

If they’re married that’s a big etiquette no no to not invite his wife they’re a package deal.

Post # 7
1135 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2009

Etiquette rules would dictate that you can’t just invite one member of a married couple.  I would suggest your Fiance contact Hank and have a frank discussion about what’s going on and how he’s feeling.  Let him know that he’s concerned about the wife being at the wedding, and see what Hank says.  But I don’t think you should only invite Hank, nor do I think either of them would come if you did that.  It would probably just make the situation worse–and if you Fiance really misses Hank, alienating the wife further is not going to help!  Good luck!

Post # 8
11325 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

Really really crappy situation, but inviting only Hank will do no good. It will completely kill any thread of a relationship they have left. If he is done with the friendship, don’t invite either of them. If he wants to try to revive the friendship then he should invite both of them, but maybe try to gently express to Hank his concerns about his wife’s behavior and ask him to try to avoid any possible issues. 

Post # 9
3363 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

Since they have the STD, I think you need to invite them.  And the wife pretty much has to be invited if her husband is.

Post # 10
2030 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I feel your pain. A good male friend of mine is super sweet and a very nice person but he married a shrew! She is alwasy negative and bossy and she ruins the good time for the whole group. But we still felt we had to invite them both to the wedding. She actually did cause a scene that upset me. She told my photographer not to take a photo of me and my best friends because she wasn’t in it! Not wanting to argue with a screaming lady, my photographer complied and we didn’t get the shot. I’m still upset about it. So I guess my advice would be that maybe you just don’t invite either of them, if you’re sure she will cause a scene. It’s a shame that some people just can’t be nice for a few hours!

Post # 11
3125 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

I would invite both, but consider a different groomsman. In situations like that, the spouse wins, even if she’s a crazy drunk. Though if she keeps disrespecting him and being such a witch, I’d advise you and your Fiance to keep trying to reach out to Hank – he’ll need a friend. I’m sure you guys aren’t the only people whose relationship has been disrupted w/ her nuttiness.

Post # 12
1813 posts
Buzzing bee

ditto @heathaah    just have a Groomsmen at the ready to kick her/them out (or any other drunken guest if making a scene)

Post # 13
8353 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2011

I am sorry your Fiance is having to go through this. Unfortunately, you are going to have to either invite them both or not invite them at all.

If at all possible, I suggest that you Fiance, text his friend and have him meet him for lunch somewhere, so that they can clear the air and see if they can get back to being friends again. If the meeting doesn’t go well, then I am sorry, but your Fiance is going to have to just move on without him.

Post # 15
563 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

I’m so sorry you are both in this position.  If your husband can stomach it, perhaps he could maintain a peripheral friendship with Hank – very rare phone calls, occasional emails that wish him well.  For as long as Hank and the immature brat stay married, your Fiance and Hank’s friendship is toast.  But your husband can keep the door open to restart the friendship after Hank’s marriage collapses.  That’s up to him – he has every right to be so annoyed with Hank that he’d rather end the friendship.  

Post # 16
1426 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

Inviting just him and not the wife will be seen as an intentional insult, and it will guarantee that the relationship is over.  I would say that your Fiance needs to have a very frank talk with Hank about the situation, or if Hank won’t meet with him, write out a letter saying how he misses the friendship, lets let bygones be bygones, etc.  If Hank responds positively, then invite both of them as a gesture of goodwill and to help get the relationship back on track.  If he refuses to meet or doesn’t respond to the letter, don’t invite either of them.  A save the date does not mean you have to invite someone who is giving you the silent treatment.  But yeah, the husband and wife have to be invited together, and anyway there are better ways of addressing the situation than using your wedding invitation to make a statement.

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