(Closed) SO fine with idea of marriage, but dreads wedding?

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
2239 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

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DancinDarlin:  Just don’t have a big wedding! Have your immediate families and maybe a few close friends! Or go even smaller and elope! I think if he knew you were OK with that kind of thing, he’d be more likely to propose.

Post # 3
Member
47342 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

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DancinDarlin:  Have a civil ceremony or a very small wedding -only your immediate families. This may not be your dream,but if he is,you will find a way to compromise.

Post # 4
Member
556 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: City, State

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DancinDarlin:  My husband is shy and was afraid to mess up in front of everyone. He had stage fright. Don’t take it personally. If he is fine with marriage, that’s what’s important!! 🙂

Post # 5
Member
2010 posts
Buzzing bee

My cousin’s Fiance is the same. He’s dreading the wedding and pretty much begging her to just go down to the courthouse, have a quick ceremony, sign the papers and be done with it. He is freaking out at the propect of being “the centre of attention” and doesn’t see the point of weddings. He said he thinks it’s a waste of money and energy. She’s been saying, “Why did you propose then?!” and he just responds that he wants to be married to her, he just doesn’t want a wedding.

Perhaps you can compromise and have something really small?

ETA: If he knows it won’t be a huge “hoopla” he might be more relaxed, and comfortable enough to propose.

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 5 months ago by  sunnyland.
Post # 7
Member
9432 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

I think we need to trade FIs for awhile. I promise I’ll give yours back after you and my Fiance have your amazing wedding.

Post # 8
Member
7309 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

I agree with PPs. I would skip the “wedding” if it gave my partner that much anxiety. A marriage is equally valid whether there are 100 guests or 0 guests at the ceremony.

Post # 9
Member
7893 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Compromising in wedding party size sounds like a good idea. Even 50 is a nice sized but still reasonable number of people for a wedding. Does his anxiety hold him back in everyday life? If it does limit him, it might be worthwhile for him to talk with his doctor about how to manage those issues.

Post # 10
Member
2347 posts
Buzzing bee

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DancinDarlin:  My Fiance isn’t quite as shy as yours but definitely doesn’t love being the center of attention. We’re having a 20 person wedding in my family’s backyard. Then we’re going to a lunch at a local restaurant for our reception. 

I still get my white dress, beautiful meal, photographs, and ceremony, and he’s not having a panic attack. 

Good luck! I’d communicate to him that a very small wedding is totally something you’d be fine with. 

 

Post # 11
Member
2763 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

I think 100 people is a LOT of people for someone as socially anxious as your SO. Maybe if you scale it waaaaay back and then went back up a little… Let me explain:

A yoga teacher once told this story in class: once upon a time a llama and a yak fell in love. The yak, being a yak was accustomed to high altitudes, a rich diet, the cold weather and his yak friends. The llama, being a llama, was a grassy fields kinda girl, had a pretty light diet, liked the moderate climate and had her llama friends. Once they realized they were in love they wanted to make it work so the llama went to live with the yak. She was, of course, freezing her butt to death, her stomach couldn’t adapt to the diet, his friends, anything. So the yak wanted to make her happy and moved to the valley with her. There, of course, he was so hot all the time, couldn’t fill his belly with all that grass…so they decided to look for the Buddha and get his advice.

The Buddha saw them and understood at once what was going and said: “Yak, do you see that rock over there? You’re going to start rolling it down the mountain very mindfully until you reach a spot where you start getting too hot and you don’t like the grass anymore. Then, you will go back up a few paces until you’re comfortable again. Llama, you will roll that rock over there uphill until the cold is too great for you and you don’t like the grass anymore. Then you will roll it downhill for a few paces until you’re comfortable again.”

So the yak went all the way up the mountain and started rolling his rock downhill very mindfully. He would stop every so often and check internally how do I feel? Is this too warm for me? Am I comfortable? Do I like the grass here? Eventually he reached a point down the mountain where it became too much for him. So he went back up a bit. At the same time the llama took her rock and went all the way down to the valley and started pushing it uphill very mindfully. Every so often she would stop and ask herself the same questions. Eventually she grew uncomfortable so she went back a few paces and once she was comfortable she found herself nose to nose with the yak. 

Talk to your SO about what his minimum and maximum number of guests would be. Talk about his optimal comfort level. Then tell him what your min and max guest list would look like. Talk about what each of your “ideal weddings” would look like. Then ask him to add a small number to that list and ask him if he’d be ok with that. You subtract a few guests from your list and see if you’d be ok with that. You might find yourself nose to nose with your SO. 

Post # 14
Member
2763 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

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DancinDarlin:  yep I did get that from your OP. However I also saw that you said that you thought the anxiety of the wedding itself is causing him to delay the proposal? And my friend, what doesn’t seem huge to you (100 people) might already be unbearable to him. You might not notice that you’ve talked about big weddings with stars in your eyes, talked about “dream” weddings, or anything that might’ve given him the impression of your expectations which might be very far away from his comfort zone. If you guys negotiate on that point you might find yourself getting ready to embark on the adventure called marriage a whole lot sooner and painless than if the subject stays in limbo for a while. My .02

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