(Closed) SO forgot valentine's day for the 3rd time

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 17
Member
1845 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

This personally wouldn’t even make me bat an eyelash, so take my advice with a grain of salt. 

My husband is a romantic man, but not in the GRAND gesture/fireworks/send flowers to my office kind of way. He does little things, like write me sweet notes, runs baths with candles for me – sweet small stuff. 

Hes never going to be the guy who plans an elaborate surprise for me, and that’s fine.. He does other things. I make almost all of our plans, he kind of just checks in with me at the start of the week and says “what’s on the agenda this week”, and I tell him, and then we do it. Or we talk about where we want to go, and then I’ll call and make the reservation. Or we don’t have a reservation, and we just drive around looking for a new place to try. We just get it done. It doesn’t really matter who makes the actual reservation – as long as the end result is the same. 

By purposely not making the reservation, even tho you know he won’t do it on his own, and then getting angry at him.. IMO that’s a martyr. 

Post # 18
Member
47445 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Some guys just aren’t good at holidays. Many women not only have to remind their SO, but also have to tell him specifically what they want.

I think when you remind him a few weeks ahead, it is too far ahead for him. He likely thinks he has lots of time then forgets all about it.

In the big picture, is this really a big deal to you?

Post # 19
Member
9541 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

My husband and I used to trade back and forst with planning V-day. Now we’ve decided I’m in charge of V-day and he’s in charge of Anniversary. The secret is actually being okay with whatever he does. If that means forgeting until the last minute, ordering pizza and cuddling on the couch with a movie…so be it! If you continue to bail him out he will continue to let you. Let hi figure things out, however that mmight be.

Post # 20
Member
463 posts
Helper bee

I totally understand your frustration, but I think you set him up to fail by picking Valentine’s day as the “do or die” event. Making V-day plans can be challenging even for the most savvy planners! It’s such an in-demand reservation night and it seems to kind of warp people’s minds and emotions (there are some current threads on the bee that reflect this).

I do sympathize though. Does he see how much time and effort it takes for you to come up with fun plans? I’m not saying be a drama queen, just find a way to show him your whole planning process – talk to him regularly about how and when you find info on events and potential dates, consider the pros and cons and decisions out loud – that kind of thing. If he’s willing to be involved, this process will show him how to plan things himself based on your examples, and maybe he’ll end up WANTING to jump into the planning, Tom Sawyer style.

Maybe this is a skill he’s open to learning, maybe not. But if it’s something he’d like to be good at, then keeping up a low-stress cooperative dialogue with you could help him grow as a planner, and hopefully could be fun for both of you.

Post # 21
Member
2156 posts
Buzzing bee

@cbj9:  We both forgot our 3 year (dating) anniversary this year. 

My Fiance isn’t romantically minded either, but he shows his love for me in different, more appreciated ways. 

You’re just going to have to learn to accept that he isn’t a romantic and either a) move on, b) get over it and stick it out. 

Post # 22
Member
117 posts
Blushing bee

Let me begin by saying that my Fiance forgot my birthday and Christmas for 5 years straight. Yes, Christmas. Valentines day, you ask? Yeeahhhh…he flat out said he wasn’t celebrating “that” holiday.

So, I was in a similar situation to you. I, meaning me, myself, and I, had to sit down and ask myself if this was something I could handle. My Fiance is totally not romantic, but is that a “deal breaker”. I decided no. He shows his love in different ways…my car always has it’s oil changed, I have never cleaned up dog poo, I don’t fix anything technology related in our home, and, most importantly, he lets me know everyday that I’m loved.

Either learn that this is who he is, and it’s a deal breaker. Or, learn that this is who he is and do these things on your own knowing that he will completely, and totally appreciate not having to do them.

Post # 23
Member
679 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
@FortiesFlare:  +1. My SO and I are very similar. 

I made the reservations this year, last year and the year before. Didn’t even think to tell him to do it bc it doesn’t matter who makes it in my mind. 

OP, I think you need to not worry so much about this. Does he love you? Do you feel loved by him? Do you love him? That’s romance, not all this other holiday crap that honestly doesn’t mean jack if he doesn’t truly care about you. 

Post # 24
Member
4697 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

View original reply
@beachbride1216:  If your Fiance is not romantic in general, but you’re with him anyways.. why would you be this riled up about an insignificant day? You obviously know he loves you, so why would making a dinner reservation (or not) make any difference..

I wouldn’t be too concerned, Valentines Day isn’t code for ‘change your personality and pull out all the stops’.. If you’re into romance and he isn’t, plan something for him!

 

Post # 25
Member
1317 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014 - NH

My Fiance has only bought me flowers once the whole time we’ve been together.  Do I want flowers? Yes.  Is it a deal breaker when he doesn’t get them even after hinting? No.  It’s not because I love him, he’s awesome, and he does things to show he cares that matter 1000x more than getting flowers.  Pick your battles wisely.

Post # 27
Member
224 posts
Helper bee

@cbj9:  We don’t do V-Day but my SO is extremely unromantic too. But I have realized that if he wanna make the effort, he can. He did something really sweet and unexpected for NYE and he told me he spent 4 days looking for the perfect card to get me. I really appreciated that. And I just try to live with it and be thankful for the gestures as they come. It’s hard sometimes because he forgets all our special dates!

Just appreciate the little things and that will make it better.

 

P.S. I’m like you, he never makes reservations for any dates, I have to do all of that or it doesn’t get done

Post # 28
Member
1915 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

My husband is just bad at logistics and making plans and honestly Valentine’s day isn’t a huge deal.  I don’t think the burden should lie soley on the male to plan Valentine’s day.  Maybe you should treat him to something nice.

Post # 29
Member
1186 posts
Bumble bee

@cbj9:  Yup, I can tell you how to deal. You make the reservations at places that will make you happy, and just expect him to show up. All in all, it doesn’t matter who makes the reservations, all that matters is that you two get to spend time together at a place that you both want to be at. 

I am in the same boat. I made reservations at a japanese spa for a nice premium soaking tub, and my SO is supposed to have made the restaurant reservations for us to go to afterwards. I can almost guarantee that he probably hasn’t made reservations, LOL. But where we eat at doesn’t matter to me, quite honestly. I just want to spend time with him.

Post # 30
Member
1186 posts
Bumble bee

@cbj9:  Here’s an idea: maybe your SO can order your meal at your favorite restaurant for take-out, so that you can enjoy your favorite meal from the restaurant you want at home 🙂 Good compromise?

Post # 31
Member
5870 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

@cbj9:  I’m sorry that you’re feeling upset :/

I think that you have a few paths in front of you:

1) You can let it go.  Clearly, this sort of ritual is not important to your SO.  If you let it go you’ll reduce stress all around.

2) You can take this on.  Obviously these holidays are not important to your SO, but they are to YOU, and that should count for something.  Why should it always be up to the man to plan for these events?  I’m super feminist, so I always find that idea a little off putting.  Since these events are important to you, why not go forward with the understanding that you’ll plan the dates and that he just needs to make himself available and look pretty (role reversal! hot!).

3) You can try to get him to change.  Maybe option 1 and 2 are just not going to work for you.  It’s possible that it’s a critical part of you feeling loved and respected for your man to plan these events for you.  In that case, I think you two need to have a serious heart to heart and lay out clear expectations.  Sounds like you’ve already done this so it’s questionable how successful it’ll be…but it’s worth a shot.

If it helps in anyway, my DH and I never make a big deal about V-day, nor did we ever celebrate a dating anniversary.  Instead, we are really focused on making our time together special and fun on a regular basis.  For me, it’s the everyday expereinces that make your relationship, not the infrequent holidays.

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