(Closed) SO friends on drugs

posted 4 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
3553 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

You aren’t telling him who he can or can’t hang out with, you are just drawing a clear boundary about who you are comfortable with in your own home. He’s still free to hang out with them somewhere that isn’t your home right? Focus on your comfort, and not that part that could be taken like you’re trying to be controlling and I’m sure your Fiance will understand.

Post # 4
9142 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

@sunflower7:  I have to side with you on this one.  Hanging out with addicts on a regular basis is more likely to cause your SO to use than it is to encourage the friends to get clean.  The friends need to lose everything and hit rock bottom before they will see the need to get help.  Your SO getting involved and helping them out is actually enabling them to continue their substance abuse.  I highly encourage your SO to seek assistance from a local Nar-Anon Family program so he can figure out his role as an enabler and how to get out of it.  http://www.nar-anon.org/naranon/

Post # 6
767 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@sunflower7:  I think it’s a very good thing you don’t want these guys in your home- especially when you aren’t there! Addicts will steal to get their fix. It’s been proven time and again. I think communication is key in this situation. Clearly your SO knows that his friends have a problem since he’s tried to help get them on the right track. And I’m assuming that he knows about your family history and how important it is for you to create a safe haven away from that environment. I would just be very frank with him and insist that these guys not be allowed in your home. I know it’s your SO’s apartment as well, but this is a significant issue. If he wants to see these friends, he can do it elsewhere. 

Post # 9
1003 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

@sunflower7:  I had a friend pass away from a heroin overdose on Sunday, honestly she had been to rehabd 7 times and kept going back.  No one spoke to her anymore including her own family she was not trustworthy, she stole, and when you’re an addict you are a completely different person.  Your Fiance keeping in contact with them is a bad idea they aren’t his friends anymore addiction as changed them and unfortunately unless they are seeking help they are not going to get better or change.

Post # 10
2947 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

You are totaly with in your rights to set up boundaries as to who can and can not enter your home.  My Fiance and I discussed these boundaries before we moved in togehter, and my threshold was a lot lower than yours. 

Post # 11
1491 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Aboslutely set up boundaries!!  I would feel extremely uncomfortable with them in the home.  Addicts are extremely unpredictable, and they will often do whatever they deem “necessary” in order to get their next fix.  

Your SO needs to realize that he is putting YOUR saftey (mental, physical, emotional) at risk by having them over.  And additionally that he is putting himself at risk by being out with them (driving with them, etc).  You absolutely should ban them from the home.  Protect yourself first!!  

He can’t fix them. And its not his responsibility to. His responsibilty needs to be focused on taking care of himself and you.  

Post # 12
982 posts
Busy bee

@sunflower7:  I’m totally with you on this – I wouldn’t want them to know where I lived either. That’s not to say that they’re horrible people, they just have a horrible addiction which knows no bounds, and generally people with addictions like that will stop at nothing to fund their habit. They do things they wouldn’t even dream of if they were sober

You’re not dictating who your Fiance can be friends with- I hope he understands that it’s not the people themselves you have an issue with, but their addictions.

Post # 13
46 posts

@sunflower7:  This is such a tough situation. Your SO is a great person for wanting to help them but I think it would be good for him to read some literature on how wanting to help someone can just be enabling them. It’s a very difficult line to draw in the sand – on the one hand you want to protect yourself, on the other you want to be there for your friends and not cast them out like I’m sure many in their lives are doing. 

I think it’s perfectly ok to find a middle ground and ask your SO not to have them over, but be understanding if he goes elsewhere to spend time with them. I disagree with a PP that him just being around them will make him likely to start using drugs (unless he has a history of drug use already). Your SO can very clearly see what the addiction is doing to his friends’ lives so I think it’s ok to trust that he will not head down that road with them. It is definitely worth expressing concern that if he is with them he is risking being associated with their illegal activity. If you don’t mind sharing, what drug/drugs are they using? If I have a sense of that I may be able to find some more specific resources for your SO to understand what is happening with his friends.  

Post # 14
200 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

@sunflower7:  my SO’s brother is a heroin addict (was clean for a year then relapsed and ODed – but was revived by paramedics – a month ago, not sure if he is currently using) and he is not allowed in my home. It can be hard to tell right away when someone is using again. I’m not taking any chances. It is sad the lengths my SO has had to go through to protect his belongings from his own brother. 

You need to be upfront and honest with your boyfriend that his friends are not welcome in your home. It is your home too and you shouldn’t feel uncomfortable about leaving your home. It would be different if you just didn’t like the guys, but you have a very good reason. 

ETA: the whole enabling thing – I’m dealing with that right now with my SO. It isn’t easy to get an enabler to see that their behavior is wrong and is doing more harm than helping. I agree trying to help educate your SO and suggest a program like one of the PPs said. However, you can only help people that want to be helped that is true for both addicts and enablers. Good luck!

Post # 16
46 posts

@sunflower7:  Ok, so one thing you could share with your SO is information about Narcan. Are you familiar with it? It is almost 100% effective in reversing an opiod (like heroin) overdose. The laws about it vary from state to state and I’m not sure where you live, but some states “allow anyone at risk for having or witnessing a drug overdose to obtain a prescription for naloxone. Users, family members and concerned friends can all carry naloxone in the same way people with allergies are allowed to carry an epinephrine syringe (“epi-pen”).” 

You can read more about it here.  If you are in a state where your SO can get this medication and keep it with him/potentially provide some for his friends who may not want to see a doctor, it could be a good way for him to distance himself while still feeling like he is doing something to help in a worst case scenario. 

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