Post # 16
I’ll be honest.. I brought my Fiance to go ring shopping for the first time and we looked around a few times before finding the one and he bought it and held on to it until the timing was right because we were also buying a house and moving at the same time. But never once did my Fiance say he wanted to be 100% sure of his decision. We were together a little over 2 years when we went ring shopping. It wasn’t a matter of if but when. If after 3 years, your bf isn’t sure about marrying you or having doubts, I would see this as a red flag. It should be pretty clear to him whether or not he wants to marry you.
Post # 17
Honestly you are coming off as a little pushy. He tells you he isn’t ready and you tell him to go buy a ring this weekend? Even if you are partially joking that is pushy and as you said you don’t want to force him into proposing. Give him more time OR end things but do not force his hand.
Post # 18
I’m sorry Bee, I know you want this to be okay, but you can’t say “I guess men are simple creatures” and also say that he’s an over-thinker, these two things can’t both be true.
Is he indecisive & over-thinking & panicking in general, in all areas of life, to the point where it is negatively affecting him? If he is TRULY like this over other things and is a bundle of indecisive, over-thinking nerves over where to apply for a job, which college to go to, whether to move or not, to the point that fear paralyzes him into inaction, then this may have less to do with not wanting to marry you and more to do with him suffering from anxiety. If this is the case then urge him to seek therapy, let engagement sit on the back burner for a bit while he deals with his anxiety issues, and try to be a supportive partner.
BUT him suffering from severe anxieties, to the point where he can’t make life decisions, is the only scenario in which this doesn’t seem to be about you and not wanting to marry you. Because otherwise, him not being ‘100% sure’ about you, not sure he can keep his timeline etc, it does seem like he is definitely not ready to get married.
And in the vast majority of cases, I despise the word ‘pressure’, if it’s in relation to someone being afraid to bring up a topic or have a seriious conversation. But in your case you have brought it up, you have talked to him. And it has crossed the line into pressuring him, it really seems as though you’re trying to convince him to marry you and this makes me sad for you, because you should be with someone who knows he wants to marry you. ‘Waiting’ when two people have different timelines is hard enough (been there), but this isn’t just about timelines unfortunately- because it isn’t ‘WHEN will he propose’….but IF he’ll propose. Sadly there’s a huge difference between a guy who says “I want to marry you” – and it’s the ‘when’ you’re trying to compromise on- and a guy who says “I’m not sure about you” after three years together.
Your partner is either suffering from acute anxiety or he isn’t sure he wants to marry you. Your ‘bite the bullet and just do it’ approach won’t help in either scenario and frankly don’t you deserve more than a proposal where the guy has simply run out of reasons not to? Either he needs treatment for anxiety or you need to face the reality that he isn’t sure he wants to marry you. Sorry Bee, good luck.
Post # 19
Thank you to everyone for your thoughts and advice. Him not wanting to marry me has been in the back of my mind for a while now….I just am having a hard time rationalizing why he would stay in a relationship for so long if he doesn’t ultimately want to move forward. It’s like the sunk cost analysis, wouldn’t he be wasting his time?
And he only seems to have anxiety when a big decision is looming. This is no exception. But I think like everyone said it does seem like he doesn’t want to marry me for one reason or another. I’ve felt this way for a while and I did have that hope that he would someday wake up and things would just click…
If it helps any, here’s what he said in a text to me about an hour ago:
“I just get so nervous. I mean our compatability test made me wonder how much we can fix and how much just is what it is. None of it means I don’t love you, but it does make me worry about a whole lifetime. There are certainly good thins, but there’s that shit just lingering that worries me. And I hate that I make you feel like I’m wasting your time. I was just committed to trying to make things better and they definitely are. So thanks for what you’ve done at this point.”
To preface this….he’s also never had a partner he’s ever fought with or had any issues with. He’s only dated 2 other women besides me and they were very much like him. We are pretty much opposites but have the same goals and wants in life. We are just different in the fact that he’s pretty extroverted, I’m introverted, things like that. I think we balance each other but I know he doesn’t see it that way. But he never wants to break up. He never wants to leave. He’s so confusing.
You ladies are great though. It’s nice to hear some honesty and it’s also nice to hear stories from people who have been there.
Post # 20
- Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA
Ooof… that text says it all. He doesn’t think you two are compatible or that you have a long-term future. As for why he’s stayed if that’s the case – it’s hard to break someone’s heart, especially someone you really really care about. Easier to just drag his feet forever.
I’m sorry bee 🙁
Post # 21
starrybee : I can’t quite put my finger on how to explain it….but there is something very off, very unsettling about his words in your update, as though he’s examining your relationship clinically and can’t decide whether to give it a pass or fail grade. He just sounds so…..as if there’s something missing, some aloofness in him. Sorry Bee, I would be done.
Post # 22
The last thing you want to do is pressure him into proposing if he’s not sure it’s what he wants to do. But I can somewhat relate. My fiancé and I had been together about 2.5 years when he proposed, although had been friends for about seven. I wasn’t sure he’d ever get to the point of marriage as he is also an over thinker. His mom has been married three times, divorced from his dad and every extended family member is divorced, so he has literally never seen a marriage be successful. And I could understand why he was worried about ending up like them. But one day, out of the blue he told me he was thinking about rings and things just progressed from there. I think it really boils down to how long you’re willing to wait. I hope everything works out for you!
Post # 23
He does not want to marry you. He enjoys the relationship and what you have now but you’re not his forever woman. I would move out immediately. Don’t waste any more time, it won’t change the outcome.
Post # 24
starrybee : I feel like he’s looking at your relationship, based on your most recent update, as some sort of scientific or mathematical study. Like, you’ve taken a compatibility test and so now he’s trying to extrapolate that data into the next 50 years and figure things out. Life just doesn’t work that way.
Post # 25
starrybee : I can’t answer for your guy, but when I asked my college ex why he didn’t just break up with me, he said it was partly because he was just waiting for some sign, or for something to tell him I was “the one” (and this is why also my Fiance stayed with his ex for so long). I think my college ex was afraid of two things: 1. looking like the “bad guy” breaking up with me for no good reason; and 2. he was very comfortable with me.
Fear of the unknown is huge, especially for a guy that has a lot of anxiety and trouble making big decisions. In my case, it was easier for him to stay with me because he knew what he was getting, than to start over with someone new. It also wasn’t that he didn’t love me, as he told me that time and time again. I do believe he did love me, and I did love him, but I couldn’t stay with someone that wasn’t into me 1000%.
If you’ve been feeling for a while that he may not want to marry you, you need to listen to your gut. I had that feeling too, which is what prompted me to have the heart to heart talk. I knew something was off. You deserve so much better than someone that’s going to analyze your compatibility over and over again.
Post # 26
Honestly? It sounds like he just doesn’t want to marry you.
I was with my husband for 7 years before we got engaged and never, not even once, when I asked about why we were waiting so long did he ever say that he just didn’t know if he wanted to marry me. There were logical, practical reasons for waiting. Quite frankly, I wouldn’t have hung around for 7 years (or probably much longer than 3) if the reason for no proposal wasn’t that he didn’t know if he wanted to marry me.
Post # 27
I don’t think your being pushy at all… after that long together he should know if he is going to marry you or not, by the sounds of it he is isnt sure if that is what he wants with you. Why would you want someone to propose to you who is unsure of a long life beside you?
Post # 28
starrybee : Ugh. Your update makes things so much worse. He doesn’t want to marry you. Like, at all. You’ll never “fix” all the things that supposedly need fixing – nothing will ever be perfect enough in his eyes. He’s looking for excuse after excuse for why you shouldn’t get married, when all it is is that you guys aren’t right for each other. You need to find a guy who can’t WAIT to marry you!!! Not one you have to bully into submission. And he deserves to be with a girl he can see a future with.
The right guy will not give you a laundry list of what you need to do to be a good enough person for him to marry. That is such bullshit. My husband is far from perfect, and so am I – we adore each other anyway and got married 11 months and 3 days after the day we met because why wait??? We both wanted to start our married life as soon as possible.
Post # 29
In his text he said “our compatibilty test made me wonder how much we can fix”… wow. Not only do I agree with the other bees above that he is looking at it like data, trying to figure things out with only his brain and not his heart when both brain and heart should say “YES! I want to marry you”. It appears he has doubts. And also, “how much we can fix”, is he suggesting the relationship is broken? Marriage will not fix things and you shouldnt go into marriage “broken”. I’m so sorry bee… I feel for you but these shouldnt be the things someon who wants a future with you is saying. I also think its weird he says “I hate that I make you feel like Im wasting your time”, where is your reassurance? Umm… if he wasn’t he would say “I am not wasting your time, I plan to, and will marry you” or something a little more forward thinking.
Post # 30
Well, you guys are both 27, so there is probably no “sunk cost analysis” going on with him. Many dudes do not have marriage on the radar at age 27. He’s not worried about “wasting” time with you that would prevent him from finding “the one”…that’s just not how a lot of guys his age think. He’s just living his life and is happy enough with the status quo…but certainly not in a rush to get married, particularly to someone he has doubts about.
Agree with PP that his text sounds extremely cold and clinical. There’s nothing at all reassuring in it. He says he’s sorry that you feel you’ve wasted your time, but what you want him to say is “I am NOT wasting your time, I’m serious about you, I want to marry you.” He won’t say that because he doesn’t feel that way.