(Closed) So frustrated and disappointed with myself. (LONG)

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 1
Member
142 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

So, I’ll try to make this as short and concise and possible.

Years ago, I married into a very abusive relationship. It wasn’t so much physically abusive as it was very emotionally abusive. After marrying and running 2000+ miles away from home, I felt completely alone and isolated and battled with some crippling depression.

I gained weight, a lot of weight, like 40+ (okay, more like 50+lbs) and he never let me forget it. I won’t go into details but yeah…that was probably the worst thing that could’ve happened as he was very body/reputation concious and having a “fat wife” was not part of his plan. I tried working out, tried every unhealthy crash diet known to man but I felt so fucking broken that I never really stuck with it.

He tried “motivating” me in his own weird way but usually, it just made me feel worse about myself and my inability to run 3mi right off the bat (yes, now I realize that was completely unreasonable).

Anyway, after a particularly awful night involving a bottle of vodka and a shotgun, I got the balls to file for a restraining order and a divorce. Three years later, I met my wonderful SO, started running and hiking with a few friends just for fun and the weight just dropped.

Just recently, I signed up (read: was coerced into signing up) for a marathon and started training hard. Like 5 days a week kind of hard. I was training with friends so that made it a lot easier on me. But recently, a lot of my friends have dropped out and without having someone there…I’ve just kinda slacked.

Yesterday, I decided that I was just going to start running by myself. Fuck ’em. I enjoy running, I enjoy hiking, there’s no reason I can’t do it alone. No excuses.

Except, when I got to the track…I couldn’t leave the fucking car. My heart started pounding, my breath caught, my hands started shaking. Like, full blown panic attack.

Because there were fucking people there! And they were going to see me run! And eugh…I just kept hearing all of the stupid shit he used to say to me. The shit about me being in my 20s and I should be healthier and fucking people thought I was disgusting and oh! it was so frustrating!

And the worst part is, I know it’s bullshit. I know that most people are seriously too self-involved to be judging me and my running but those words keep haunting my head every time I try to go out and run on my own…it was never a problem when I was with someone else because I felt like I owed it to them– now that I’m on my own it’s just so much harder for me to go.

Even writing this out, my hands are shaking and sweating and my stomach is turning just thinking about it.  I’m arranging an appointment with a counselor but with my insurance, no one is available until sometime next month.

I’m just so angry and frustrated and disappointed with myself. It’s been almost 5 years since my divorce and the last time I ever spoke to him but still, that asshole is inside my head…

LoL…so much for short and concise.

Post # 3
Member
8041 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

@SockJunkie:  Aw *hugs* you’re too hard on yourself. This might sound a bit silly, but what if you did this in baby steps?

Like instead of getting all geared up to go to the track and run, maybe go to the gym and run for 15 minutes on the treadmill. Or depending on what your neighborhood is like, go for a quick run around the block etc.

And trust me.. no one notices. If they do notice, they will see someone who is in good enough shape to train for a marathon. That is HUGE. I feel silly running (like embarrased in front of strangers) and I didn’t go through what you went through. Part of it is normal.

Get some good tunes for the iPod when you run. That way, you won’t have time to think negative thoughts. That jerk is out of your life for good.

Post # 4
Member
11747 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

give yourself a break hun! you’ve been through a lot and the emotional scars take the longest to heal.

I’m a fit 20-something year old who was a division 1 collegiate athlete – I signed up for a half marathon a few years ago and it took me FOREVERRRR to finish!  People in the speed walking category were going faster than I was running! It’s not about how fast you go or what you look like doing it (pretty sure I looked like I was a 90 year old dying granny).  All that matters is you finish and accomplish something amazing for yourself!  You will feel so damn good when you cross that finish line – it will all be worth it!  Also, no one is even looking at you like they think they are- we’re self absorbed creatures that spend far more time thinking about ourselves (see you’re thinking people are looking at you, but they aren’t because they’re too focused on what they’re doing to notice you). 

If you want to run, do it, if you don’t then that’s okay too. But make the decision based on what YOU want for yourself, not any of the external crap!  

Oh, and be nice to yourself – you deserve it! 🙂
 

Post # 5
Member
9548 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

Awww!!! I’m so sorry this jerk is still affecting you. You seem to have a good grasp that all this bullshit was exactly that but it still sounds really hard. I think counseling might help. Not really for the running, but that’s probably just a symptom of some deeper insecurities. Because you’re right, nobody at the track will be judging you like he did. If anything I’m always impressed by anyone who’s even at a gym/track, even if they’re walking or stretching!

I don’t know that I have any other great advice other than to see if you can just talk yourself into doing, like 1 lap. I always do better if I set very limited goals and then once I’m there I usually do more. And if it makes you feel any better I guarantee you’re in better shape and can run farther than I can. I’m like the worst runner in the world. I literally couldn’t even make it all the way around my block.

How about I make you a deal? You go run a lap and I’ll attempt to run around my block. I will most likely fail. In front of my neighbors who are friends. But I am confident they will not think less of me! And I will have put in some effort and maybe I’ll do it again and make it a little farther – that’s how it’s supposed to work, right? But only if you can make it out to run, even just a little, on your own!

Post # 6
Member
142 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@canarydiamond:  

@MrsWBS:  

@JenGirl:  

Thank you so much for the support and suggestions. After reading all of your posts, I decided to take your advice and plug in my iPod and just go…

I made it 2 laps and was feeling pretty good until a few other runners joined in.I felt awful, stupid and panicky again. I pushed it through one more lap before I crapped out and cried in the car. God, I felt like an asshole. lol.

So, cut to two hours later when the SO came home horrified to find me on the couch with the curtains drawn (when I should’ve been at work). I managed to get through about half of my story without crying and eugh– this whole thing just makes me feel like a complete wreck.

He was a doll– he pet me and hugged me and gave me a few “it’s alright’s” before kicking my ass with some tough love and all but throwing me over his shoulder and into the car kicking and screaming to go back to the track.

We ran, and ran, and ran. He ran me to the bathroom when I needed to puke and then we ran some more. Me in my awkward gym clothes and him in his work uniform complete with boots definitely not made for running.

I don’t know. I love him, I love that he did that just so I could get over my shit for the day but I know, one day I’m going to have to run alone and just get the fuck over it.

But…I’m okay, for today.

And I wanted to say thank you for all of your wonderful words and kindness and let you know that things are looking up.

Post # 7
Hostess
2556 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Such a sweet man.  But, agree with PP – just get out there and run.  I pomise, no one is watching you wand judging you!  If you feel like they are, just run around your neighborhood.  I used to feel bad about the weird stares I would get running around my ‘hood (yes, I know I’m breathing heavy and moving slower than my grandma!), but I realized that those same people who gave me off looks were sitting on the couch shoveling potato chips in their mouth.  I was out there doing something I loved — which actually got me to the finish line of a marathon (it wasn’t pretty).

Keep on running girl, that marathon finish line is going to give you a high that lasts for WEEKS (until you decide to start training for your next one).  It’s so worth feeling a little awkward the first few times you hit the track alone.

Post # 8
Member
9548 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

@SockJunkie:  First CONGRATULATIONS!!!! You did it! So what if you only made it 3 laps the first try?!?! YOU GOT OUT THERE!!! That’s what’s important!!! And your guy is amaze balls. Like seriously. And so are you for going back and running again. Did you seriously puke? That’s some dedication! Just remember – it gets easier!!! I promise! Just keep at it. The more you do it, the more confident you’ll get! I’m super impressed!

Post # 9
Member
8041 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

@SockJunkie:  *Hugs* you’re doing great and have such a sweet guy too 🙂 You can overcome this!!!

Post # 10
Member
3718 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@SockJunkie:  I hear you. I had a less severe story, but similar enough to yours to have the scars. When I started running I used to get up at the crack of dawn and run on the super unpopular roads where no one would see me. I would be the only one out and it got my confidence up so I knew I could finish a 5k. I signed up for a rinky dink race and was so happy that I finished. I had only been running for 4 months and finished! It did wonders for my self esteem.

Then looking at the results, I didn’t suck. I might not have been able to finish a mile (or even a quarter mile) in high school, but my hard work was paying off now. After starting to train for a half, I signed up for the major 5k in the area and did really well. I beat my jogging friends. It boosted my confidence and I now run on major roads.

My advice, find a place to run alone, away from other people. Get your confidence up before you run socially. It took 7 months of running before I would run with now Fiance (former high school track super star) and now we regularly run together. I still prefer less popular routes, but I have learned that it is okay when people watch me run. Sometimes I am slow, I sweat like a pig, and am the most unsexy creature when I run, but I am a runner. And nothing feels as good as the medal around your neck when you finish. It is amazing.

Also, join the Weddingbee Daily Mile challenge (feel free to friend me and the other girls– we are great motivators)!

 

Post # 11
Member
1654 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Congrats on leaving your asshole of an ex-husband. Leaving is always so hard to do.

In my relationship with Fiance, I gained about 50 pounds from stress. Parents, work, university, etc. I went from 5′ 4″ at 105lbs to 5′ 4″ at 160lbs now.

He’s been nothing but supportive when I have my “fat” moments. I used to model so it happens kind of frequently. I also suffer from hypothyroidism and severe asthma which makes it super hard to lose weight. 

If the guy didn’t stick with you because he feared his image will be torn, you were SO RIGHT to leave him!

And I’m glad to see your update! It’s guys like that that make the world a much nicer place to live in. 🙂 Congrats on your new SO.

 

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