- 8 years ago
- Wedding: June 2014
So, I’ll try to make this as short and concise and possible.
Years ago, I married into a very abusive relationship. It wasn’t so much physically abusive as it was very emotionally abusive. After marrying and running 2000+ miles away from home, I felt completely alone and isolated and battled with some crippling depression.
I gained weight, a lot of weight, like 40+ (okay, more like 50+lbs) and he never let me forget it. I won’t go into details but yeah…that was probably the worst thing that could’ve happened as he was very body/reputation concious and having a “fat wife” was not part of his plan. I tried working out, tried every unhealthy crash diet known to man but I felt so fucking broken that I never really stuck with it.
He tried “motivating” me in his own weird way but usually, it just made me feel worse about myself and my inability to run 3mi right off the bat (yes, now I realize that was completely unreasonable).
Anyway, after a particularly awful night involving a bottle of vodka and a shotgun, I got the balls to file for a restraining order and a divorce. Three years later, I met my wonderful SO, started running and hiking with a few friends just for fun and the weight just dropped.
Just recently, I signed up (read: was coerced into signing up) for a marathon and started training hard. Like 5 days a week kind of hard. I was training with friends so that made it a lot easier on me. But recently, a lot of my friends have dropped out and without having someone there…I’ve just kinda slacked.
Yesterday, I decided that I was just going to start running by myself. Fuck ’em. I enjoy running, I enjoy hiking, there’s no reason I can’t do it alone. No excuses.
Except, when I got to the track…I couldn’t leave the fucking car. My heart started pounding, my breath caught, my hands started shaking. Like, full blown panic attack.
Because there were fucking people there! And they were going to see me run! And eugh…I just kept hearing all of the stupid shit he used to say to me. The shit about me being in my 20s and I should be healthier and fucking people thought I was disgusting and oh! it was so frustrating!
And the worst part is, I know it’s bullshit. I know that most people are seriously too self-involved to be judging me and my running but those words keep haunting my head every time I try to go out and run on my own…it was never a problem when I was with someone else because I felt like I owed it to them– now that I’m on my own it’s just so much harder for me to go.
Even writing this out, my hands are shaking and sweating and my stomach is turning just thinking about it. I’m arranging an appointment with a counselor but with my insurance, no one is available until sometime next month.
I’m just so angry and frustrated and disappointed with myself. It’s been almost 5 years since my divorce and the last time I ever spoke to him but still, that asshole is inside my head…
LoL…so much for short and concise.