Post # 1
My Fiance and I have had conflicting work schedules ever since he took a job at a local Casino last year in August (which was when we were only dating a few months so he didn’t think it would effect the relationship too much). He has to work the graveyard shift which is generally from 12-1 am to 8-9 am and his 2 days off are Wednesdays and Thursdays when I have to work.
I have worked daylight all my life and have an office job where I typically work 8:30 am – 5:00 pm so it’s tough for me to understand why he’s so tired all the time. I feel so frustrated cuz I don’t feel like I ever actually spend time with him and instead of getting used to it, it seems to get more difficult for me to adjust to over time.
I love him so much and he’s a really great guy so I really truly want this to work out. I want us to get married more than anything. I am just concerned about the future of the relationship if things continue going this way for a long time. The positive thing is that he’s looking for another job cuz he hates working these hours too, but I’m so worried it will take awhile for him to find a decent paying job that is daylight hours in this economy. Everyday I wait and hope to hear that he has an interview, but no luck yet. I’ve been at my job for 4 years now and I love it, plus the graveyard shift is not for me since I generally feel horrible when I sleep too late into the day.
I don’t feel like we ever have quality time cuz he typcially only gets 5-6 hours of sleep a day while I’m at work and when we spend time together in the evenings he’s so tired and hardly talks to me at all. He usually just nods or says okay in response to whatever I say. I feel like it’s a struggle no matter what we do here cuz if he gets more sleep we’ll have less time together, but if he gets less sleep he’ll be tired when we’re together and he won’t feel like doing much. Plus, I’m also really concerned about his overall health. It doesn’t seem like he has much time to exercise and eat right anymore.
I could really use some support cuz right now I feel so alone. Also, we’re moving in a few weeks and this past weekend, I had to move a bunch of boxes without his help while he slept during the day. That’s how it always is on the weekends cuz I’m off of work and he’s not. I feel like we really need to find a good even balance here to compromise on.
I’d really appreciate any advice that you can give to make this easier for us to cope with. I know that I should be more patient, but I’ve always struggled with being terribly impatient.
Post # 3
It’s going to be hard with schedules like that, but if you both make sure to schedule time to be together, you should be able to get by. My Boyfriend or Best Friend and I had a really rough time when he was woorking nights and I was an 8-5-er. I’d get home just after he went to work, and he’d get in sometimes just before I’d be leaving for work. We had a lot of other stress at the time, so him quitting that job and us living off my meager salary, hard as it was, was a lot better for us in the long run.
That said, there are couples who’ve had to live schedules like this for years and still stayed happy and raised families, so it can be done. Again, make sure you both give a little of your time to each other – maybe you wake up early now and then to see him before he goes to sleep… maybe he can spare a little sleep on a weekend sometime just to cuddle with you on the couch (or sleep in there while you watch a quiet movie).
It’s not the best thing to say, but when I’ve founf my SO is busy or can’t help me do things, I realize that I’d be doing it myself if I wasn’t in a relationship, so it’s ot the big of adeal (unless he’d promised to help and then backed out – that’s different). This goes for housework that ‘boys’ just don’t seem to care about, and certain things that bug me and ‘must’ be done as far as I’m concerened but he coulnd’t care less about. So I usually just take care of what I can without him, and try to plan things that need both of us to complete for a time when he’ll be well rested and not stressed from work when possible.
All I can really say is that at least you guys won’t face the same ‘stagnation’ problem that other couples have to fight, where you see TOO much of each other. You’re reminded every day how valuable the time you do get to spend together is, and you know to value it.
Post # 4
I’m sorry!! That definitely stinks 🙁 My bf is a cop and I have an 8-5 job, so our time together is also very limited. You are right, it’s all about compromise. It’s also about appreciating ANY time you can get together. It took me a long time to appreciate whatever time we can get (it’s been 7 years and I’m just starting to get there lol). I was always jealous of my weekend fling-ing friends who were gallavanting off to the beach or something for a few days while I kept myself busy at home and my bf worked overtime. We argued (and still argue now) about how to spend the time we do have – a lot of times he wants to go hang out at our friends’ houses. Granted, I love them, but I want him to want to spend more time just us! We so rarely get it these days. We don’t live together, so that’s been a challenge too.
I hope your fiance finds a new job soon!! I wish I had better advice 🙁 You’re certainly not alone in your impatience and struggles and frustration. Try to let your expectations of spending time together go and focus on a few things here and there. I hope things start to look up soon!!
Post # 5
Thanks for the responses, guys! I forgot to mention that we live together which makes it more difficult and neither of us has a car so it takes us longer to commute to and from work. It usually only takes me about 30-45 minutes, but it takes him 1-2 hours to get home from work so he doesn’t see me before I leave for work.
It’s the hardest to say goodnight when he has to leave me to go to work (especially on the weekends).
I do think that we need to compromise and sacrifice a little in order to make this work, but I am determined not to give up because it’s really hard. I think it’s also been tougher since we got engaged cuz the ring on my finger makes me think of our future together and I don’t want to have to deal with this in our marriage.
I’m going to compromise by giving him more time to sleep. I think he needs to try to get at least 7 hours of sleep each day cuz that is what I try to get every night so it’s only fair. I like the idea of him sacrificing some sleep to spend time with me on the weekends. I tried to watch tv in the room with him before and I thought I had it turned down low, but he woke up and said he wasn’t able to sleep with it on unfortunately.
Post # 6
Ladies with partners who work 9-5 M-F jobs are some of the luckiest ladies. My friend will sometimes complain that she feels like she sees her guy too much and makes time to do things without him. I only WISH I could see my SO half that often! I totally feel your pain. I work 5:30am – 2PM M-F and my guy works 12-2PM to midnight or later. He works EVERY weekend and holiday. So every Friday night, every holiday, to include all the small holidays, I spend without him. Almost 2 years later- I’d by lying if I said I wasn’t a little bitter. I’m contracted into my job so I literally can’t change but my guy is in the same position as yours. He’s looking at changing jobs also.
Patience, patience, patience. That’s all I can say. I know you know how tough it is. But patience and making sure he knows you want to make the best of the little time you have together is super important. I’ve told my guy a couple times that I understand he doesn’t have a lot of “him” time, but we have even less “us” time and that it was important to me that we make the best of it every time. He’s been very understanding. And we do try. I really hope your guy finds another job soon. It’s tough out there, but not so tough that it’s hopeless. Good luck!!!