Post # 1
I wrote a post a while back about how the girl ruined my surprise proposal because she told me he had the ring. Well, as much as I bitched about that, that was a better position to be in because this weekend he told me he does not have it, he is still unsure, and that he doesn’t want to lead me on. He told me if I needed to move on because that is what I wanted then I should go ahead. We have a child together and he also said that me insisting on marriage is part of the reason it is taking so long. It is just one excuse after another. On the other hand, we got into a bit of an argument over the weekend and his friend was talking to him afterwards. His friend was telling him how we are such a great couple and reminded him that he has been talking about a wedding over the last few months and even getting into particular about his bachelor party and destination wedding. I’m so confused and am getting so many mixed signals. The part where it is my fault because I keep asking about it makes me so sad. The conclusion that I came was to leave it alone for now and just focus on myself. He tells me I can’t make a man a focus of my life which I don’t think I am doing but I do want to be married. I mean we have a kid together and I didn’t want to get married at first. I didn’t want to get married just for a kid and blame her if the marriage goes badly (my mom blamed me for having to be married to my dad), but I was ready for marriage way before he seems ready. I’m just so sad and frustrated right now
Post # 3
That is AWFUL! Any chance he’s just trying to throw you off? And there really is a ring?
I’m sorry you have to deal with this. Are you guys open to some counseling?
Post # 4
@bluefrog33: I’m sorry you’re going through this. Your post reminded me of Mr. Bee’s quick guide to engagement and the basis of the “shut it up pact” on the Bee. The premise is basically that once you are your own person, your partner will be more inclined to want to actively commit, rather than just go along with it. If your SO feels pressured about marriage, or feels like marriage is your end goal (rather than building a life with him), then he would continually resist getting engaged. However, if you feel like you do focus on yourself and he still feels this way, then I think it’s odd that he would so candidly tell you to move on. It’s actually kind of a jerk move, and I really feel for you. What were his intentions? If they were to keep the lines of communication open and just give you some insight into his feelings, then I think you should think about whether you love this man and want to be with him, or simply want to be married. Maybe come up with a timeline or a walk date?
However, if he said that to you in an argument or in a malicious way to break your self esteem, then you should move on. He shouldn’t make you feel responsible or at fault for his commitment issues.
Post # 5
Unfortunately and I know this to well , asking about it continuously always pushes it back 🙁 my FI always used to say let me do it on my own accord and then I started to feel terrible like it would be forced and I did not want that at all so eventually I held my tongue for quite some time and he ended up proposing in January 🙂 Good luck it sounds like you guys are already a family and for you marriage would be the icing on the cake, but for him he may not see the point.
Post # 6
I would move on!
When men say they’re not sure — believe them. Find someone who IS sure.
Love is not supposed to be this hard.
Post # 7
@bluefrog33: How long have you been together?
Post # 8
Maybe he needs a wake up call. Move on. He’s leading you on and making it seem like he wants to get married and now says he Doesn’t.
Post # 9
This is so sad. He is a father to your child, therefore he already has a lifetime commitment to you whether he likes it or not. He needs to man up and marry you, or you need to move and and find someone who is ready to commit. I don’t buy the advice about shutting it up; a relationship is a partnership and if you are not getting what you want you discuss it and come to a compromise. I can understand waiting a few months to a year for a man to save up for a ring….but it is unfair for him to leave you in such emotional turmoil. I hope you can find some peace.
PS – This thread, and many others I’ve seen, made me think of a Dear Prudie Q & A….
Post # 10
@letigre: we have been together 5 years. We planned our kid because I am older and we thought I wouldn’t be able to have kids. He tells me it is not my fault and that it his own issues he is working through ( his parents marriage was horrid).
I think he thinks that I am only focused on the wedding and that I am being negative i.e. I said (out of anger) that our 5 years has been a waste. He says I should focus on our child and everything good that has come out of 5 years instead of focusing on the one bad thing in my life. Like I should be focusing on my career, recent promotion, friends and how happy my lfie is.
What frustrates me is that he says that if I wasn’t psuhing so much it would have already happen. If I am to believe him then it just makes me feel like I suck and this whole situation is all my fault.
I go from I need to leave one day (I have money saved for this purpose) to I should stick it out because he is the best guy I have ever been with. He thinks I just want to be married and that if all I do is complain about whatever is missing at the moment, I am going to complain about the “next thing” as soon as he does propose.
I need to do some serious soul searching.
Post # 11
I also do not agree about the “Shut it up” thing. It seems like you’re playing games. My boyfriend and I talk about marriage all the time and discuss everything openly. I was in a previous relationship where I thought talking about the future scared men away. It’s just not true and women use it as an excuse. If he really wants to marry you, he’ll be just as excited as you are. When you do find that, it’s so worth it!
Post # 12
Oh, and we have been together 5 years but the first 2 years of our relationship were not great. We argued all the time and one of us was always getting super jealous everytime we went out together. This is his first serious relationship. Now we rarely argue and get along great. Like he goes out of his way to take care of me. My birthday falls on a holiday weekend and it used to be a “fellas” only weekend. He stopped that tradition because he told them he refused to not celebrate my birthday with me. He goes out of his way to try to make me happy, so I feel like if I move on I will be missing out on that. At the same time, I don’t want to settle for less. He also doesn’t seem to get why marriage matters so much. No one in his family is married, and he keeps bringing that up AS IF that would matter. I really don’t care what they do or what other girls are okay with. I don’t know – I am rambling out of confusion/sadness
Post # 13
@bluefrog33: this is a tough one! I would say to ease off from him. Take him out of focus in your life. When you get to that point, you should decide if you want to stay or move on.
*said a different way* Take marriage out of perspective. Stay on the fence until you get a little detached to see which side of the fence you would go (stay in the relationship or be single)
Post # 14
I am so sorry. He may be a great guy and have all of these wonderful qualities but he should have thought about the commitment aspect before having a planned child with you. Also, I can’t believe he would be so forward about letting you go! I would be devastated if my BF said that. Honesty is great, but it’s not like you have only been dating for a while– you have been together for 5 years and have a child together. You deserve a man who will fight for you and your family and not let it slip through his fingers. All the best to you and your child.
Post # 15
@bluefrog33: It’s been 5 years. He has told you he is still unsure of committing to spending the rest of his life with you despite having a child together. He has told you that you can move on.
Knowing that, I would move out but move close so my child could still see him. I would start leading my own life, planning on being without him. I also make darn sure I had double birth control so there was limited chance of an unplanned pregnancy.
I know you don’t want to hear this but at least he is being honest with you. Kudos to him, for not leading you on. You can’t make someone feel something they don’t. He is telling you that you are not the one. Believe him.
Post # 16
@bluefrog33: Honestly, if he truly wanted to marry you, you mentioning being married wouldn’t make him doubt that. If you think about that, it really makes no sense does it? “I love this woman and want to marry her sooo much – but she reminds me of the prospect of marrying her, so I want to push it off/I am less sure I actually want it.” That makes literally zero sense. I agree, he is just making excuses at this point.
He told you that he’s not sure and that you should leave if you want. A guy who wanted to spend the rest of his life with you would NEVER tell you that maybe you should go afterall. This guy is so uncommitted, I really think you might be better off moving on. 🙁