Post # 1
My Fiance doesn’t deal with pressure/stress very well. He starts behaving very badly. He did this when we first moved in together. He did this again when we moved to a different city, and he’s doing it again because we’re getting closer to the wedding date. We just passed the 3 month mark (which co-incided with our 2 years of dating anniversary), and he’s turned into a different person.
First a little background:
We met in college, were best friends but never dated. We told each other everything. We disconnected after college and reconnected nearly 10 years later and told each other everything. He re-married his ex wife after college and had 2 more kids with her, then they separated and he started dating before we did. After college, I got engaged, realized he was the wrong guy, then dated some more. When my Fiance and I got together finally, we were open about our histories.
So, here we are, less than 3 months away from walking down the aisle, and he’s being incredibly rude to me instead of being supportive and loving. Yesterday he texted asking what’s for dinner. I replied “bibimbop” (a korean rice dish.) He knows one of my ex boyfriends from like 12 years ago was korean. He replied “Hooray! Korean! Maybe we can have a Nigerean banana split for dessert!” Yes, I went on literally 2 dates with a Nigerean man 3 and a half years ago!!
It’s just disrespectful and rude. Yesterday was my first day back from visiting my parents for a couple days. I asked him what he did the night before and he said that he picked up some whore that he doesn’t know her name and [email protected]$&ed her in our bed. I know he’s lying. Oh gosh, i hope so. but still!! WHO SAYS THAT?!
I try and reason with him, and it doesn’t work. I tell him to pray and open his heart and love, and it doesn’t work. He just says over and over that my past was so horriffic for him that it’s just too traumatizing for him. What? I don’t continue to speak with anyone I’ve ever dated. My past is just that. Past. Meanwhile he’s texting to his ex wife constantly and skyping with her and his children. How is my past that horiffic? I’m not the one that brought an std in the relationship. It was him. I’m so sick of this! I want him to go back to being my normal Fiance I fell in love with. He’s turned into a monster!!! I can’t just keep taking this from him. It hurts so much. I know he’ll go back to normal eventually, but it won’t be soon enough.
Post # 3
@almostahunter: Honestly, it sounds like he could be a bit ‘nasty’ even outside of these specified times. And please, I am not trying to be mean. Your last paragraph said more to me in those short sentences then the ones before. He is jealous of your past, and yet, he is skyping with his ex?! He ‘jokingly’ states that he brought a whore home, and yet, he brought an STD into your relationship in the past?!
IT IS HORRIFIC and RUDE, and I am not sure I would be waiting for him to become ‘normal’ again. Yes, people go thru phases, or funks, or whatever…heck, my SO does from time to time, but he is never blatantly mean to me, or disrespectful. He just kind of ‘down’, and that is when I am wishing for him to be back to his normal self!! Very different from what you are saying, imho.
You really need to communicate these things with him, if this is something you want!! And maybe, think about seekign couples counseling before your wedding if he is not willing to communicate with you any other way. But keep this in mind, I am guessing you did not force him to move in with you, or get married, or whatever…so, his attitude change before/after these things occur are ‘odd’ to me, assuming he completely agreed to do these things with YOU!!
Post # 4
Ugh, I’m so sorry. I know how hard it is when someone completely flips their personality on you — but you said that he’s done this before? Honestly, there’s possibly a reason he and his ex-wife were married then divorced twice. It is unacceptable for him to throw your history in your face and then skype/text his ex WIFE constantly. I’m a child of divorce, so I know for a fact that it’s possible for divorced people to have a civil relationship that does not extend beyond discussions about the kids and arrangements. He should not be texting her constantly or skyping with her.
And the statement about bringing someone home and fucking her in your bed? I would have slapped him and left. That’s not a joke, not in the smallest way, and it is a HUGE red flag I’d take note of.
I would honestly sit down and tell him that you don’t know what’s going on, but he isn’t the person you fell in love with. It would be good for you both to get into counseling, so I would put that on the table and see if he’s interested. If he refuses… honestly, I don’t know if I’d stick around.
Post # 5
His behavior is emotionally abusive and you are tolerating it. If you love this man and must stay with him, then I would set firm boundaries for his behavior. It is unacceptable to say or do things that he knows will hurt you.
Stop making excuses for his behavior (he doesn’t handle stress well) and demand that he treat you with respect.
Post # 6
I’m so so sorry that you have to go through this. I don’t think it’s acceptable for him to treat you that way. I’m sorry to to be blunt but are you sure you want to marry him? I’m not saying that you should break up with him but I’d recommend going to couple counseling first before making the commitment of marriage. There will lots of ups and downs in life and you can’t allow him to treat you that way every time he’s frustrated/angry about something. Just my two cent.
Post # 7
@julies1949: <– what she said.
If my Fiance talked to me like that after I had mentioned how hurtful it was, I would be walking.
Post # 8
I don’t understand why he just can’t leave the past in the past and dredge up old BS every time he gets stressed out. This isn’t the man I fell in love with. I’ve told him that when he skypes with his that it makes me feel really uncomfortable that his ex wife is there too. I’ve asked him over and over to ask her to go in another room while he talks to his kids, and as far as I know, he’s never asked her. It makes me feel uncomfortable in my own home. Why does he get to talk to his past, skype with his past, and that’s all fine… yet he says he can’t respect me when he’s angry because my sexual history is so awful. He’s the one that gave me herpes without telling me he had it.
I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to end it because I know he’ll go back to his loving self eventually. I just don’t know if I can keep calm and not get violent. I also don’t want to call it off because I’ve already broken off one wedding about 4 years ago that my parents got stuck with the bill for. It was humiliating. I can’t go through that again.
Post # 9
@MissCalifornia: Wish there was a “like” button on here!
Your Fiance sounds al lot like my emotionally abusive ex…it never got better. 2 years later I left, after almost agreeing to marry him. This is not a healthy relationship, and as PP have stated, you are making excuses for his totally inappropriate behaviour. I see red falgs all over this one, sorry, but I think marriage right now is a terrible idea. He needs to get his shit straightened out. And if he’s not willing to go to counselling or something, I’d find it hard to commit to him for a lifetime of verbal abuse and disrespect. Sorry, I can’t imagine how owful this is for you.
Post # 10
@almostahunter: He has kids with his ex, thus he is connected to her for life, in some form or fashion. However, you do have a say in your comfort level in how he communicates with her, how often, and what they are communicating about, etc.
You said in your latest post this is not the man you fell you love with, that this is the man who gave you herpes without telling you (sorry, still a huge red flag for me), a man who seems to get jealous, and you are trying (in return) to not get violent?! All because, as I read it, you do not want to necessarily cancel another wedding???
Although I can imagine how hard it would be to leave, as any relationship is, and how hard it would be to cancel a wedding, I would think those that truly love you and support would want YOUR best interest and YOUR happiness – first and foremost.
Post # 11
Unless your Fiance gets some counseling, this behavior will only get worse after marriage. Every one deserves RESPECT in a marriage. If it was me, I would walk if he doesn’t agree to get some help.
Post # 12
“I also don’t want to call it off because I’ve already broken off one wedding about 4 years ago that my parents got stuck with the bill for. It was humiliating. I can’t go through that again.”
@almostahunter: This is the worst possible thought EVER. You’d rather live a life of abuse than suffer a short term humiliation? Sorry, long term health takes precidence over short term embarassment. Do you honestly think your parents would rather see you marry an abusive jerk than get out and try again someday?
Post # 13
If I leave, I have nothing. I have no job because my Fiance wouldn’t let me take a job I was offered as a body shop estimator because hecause in his mind, I won’t be working, I’d be like paris hilton eating on top of a sports car while the male workers got hard-ons. When we changed cities, we traded both of our cars in for one car (which is now in his name. Mine was paid off, his was $5k underwater).
Even my parents were going down my huge list of cousins, marking them off as married. Of my 30 cousins, only myself and one other remains unwed.
I don’t know what to do.
Post # 14
@almostahunter: Ready for some tough ‘love’?! If you leave, you have something HUGE, your pride, your happiness and YOUR FUTURE!! Yes, it will BE HARD. Yes, you will have to re-build, but you will be fine. Better than with someone like him. Each of your responses highlights that more and more! He would not let you get a job?! Forget that…you need to get out.
As far as your parents and their list, well, I have no advice. But, I will still stand by the fact that they would rather you be happy, and in a healthy relationship, then be the only ‘unwed’ one in your family. It sounds to me like you are worryign about everyone else, and not thinking at all about yourself.
Post # 15
“wouldn’t let me take a job ” and about 10 other red flags in your posts so far.
this man is CONTROLLING you, why would you want to sign up for a lifetime of this? I get you want to be married, you don’t want to dissapoint people – but all of that pales in comparison to signing up for a lifetime with an emtionally abusive, controlling man. Get out NOW before you are legally tied to him. It will be hard, probably incredibly devastating, but also worth it.
Post # 16
I don’t know what kind of advice you’re really looking for, but this doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship. I’m really sorry. You stated in an above post that he outright tells you he “can’t respect you” because of your sexual past. That’s not love. That’s not healthy. If he can’t love you for who are, in spite or or despite what you’ve been through to make you the person you are now, that’s not healthy. He sounds a bit emotionally unstable and controlling. Disallowing you to take a job for any reason other than it being dangerous is selfish controlling behavior–especially if it was a job you wanted or really liked. And then lying to you about an STD, or just not divulging that information…none of this sounds like a good or health situation for you to be in. If he can’t be reasoned with or he won’t let you talk to him, none of these are good things. He sounds like he needs some help, he obviously has some unwarranted disrespect and resentful feelings towards you.