(Closed) So frustrated with FI’s behavior…

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
1333 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@almostahunter:  Honestly, it sounds like he could be a bit ‘nasty’ even outside of these specified times.  And please, I am not trying to be mean.  Your last paragraph said more to me in those short sentences then the ones before.  He is jealous of your past, and yet, he is skyping with his ex?!  He ‘jokingly’ states that he brought a whore home, and yet, he brought an STD into your relationship in the past?! 

IT IS HORRIFIC and RUDE, and I am not sure I would be waiting for him to become ‘normal’ again.  Yes, people go thru phases, or funks, or whatever…heck, my SO does from time to time, but he is never blatantly mean to me, or disrespectful.  He just kind of ‘down’, and that is when I am wishing for him to be back to his normal self!!  Very different from what you are saying, imho.

You really need to communicate these things with him, if this is something you want!!  And maybe, think about seekign couples counseling  before your wedding if he is not willing to communicate with you any other way.  But keep this in mind, I am guessing you did not force him to move in with you, or get married, or whatever…so, his attitude change before/after these things occur are ‘odd’ to me, assuming he completely agreed to do these things with YOU!! 

Good luck!!!

Post # 4
Member
2759 posts
Sugar bee

Ugh, I’m so sorry. I know how hard it is when someone completely flips their personality on you — but you said that he’s done this before? Honestly, there’s possibly a reason he and his ex-wife were married then divorced twice. It is unacceptable for him to throw your history in your face and then skype/text his ex WIFE constantly. I’m a child of divorce, so I know for a fact that it’s possible for divorced people to have a civil relationship that does not extend beyond discussions about the kids and arrangements. He should not be texting her constantly or skyping with her.

And the statement about bringing someone home and fucking her in your bed? I would have slapped him and left. That’s not a joke, not in the smallest way, and it is a HUGE red flag I’d take note of.

I would honestly sit down and tell him that you don’t know what’s going on, but he isn’t the person you fell in love with. It would be good for you both to get into counseling, so I would put that on the table and see if he’s interested. If he refuses… honestly, I don’t know if I’d stick around.

Post # 5
Member
46408 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

His behavior is emotionally abusive and you are tolerating it. If you love this man and must stay with him, then I would set firm boundaries for his behavior. It is unacceptable to say or do things that he knows will hurt you.

Stop making excuses for his behavior (he doesn’t handle stress well) and demand that he treat you with respect.

Post # 6
Member
226 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2007

I’m so so sorry that you have to go through this.  I don’t think it’s acceptable for him to treat you that way.  I’m sorry to to be blunt but are you sure you want to marry him?  I’m not saying that you should break up with him but I’d recommend going to couple counseling first before making the commitment of marriage.  There will lots of ups and downs in life and you can’t allow him to treat you that way every time he’s frustrated/angry about something.  Just my two cent.

Post # 7
Member
2233 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@julies1949:  <– what she said.

If my Fiance talked to me like that after I had mentioned how hurtful it was, I would be walking.

Post # 9
Member
1371 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@MissCalifornia:  Wish there was a “like” button on here!

Your Fiance sounds al lot like my emotionally abusive ex…it never got better.  2 years later I left, after almost agreeing to marry him.  This is not a healthy relationship, and as PP have stated, you are making excuses for his totally inappropriate behaviour.  I see red falgs all over this one, sorry, but I think marriage right now is a terrible idea.  He needs to get his shit straightened out.  And if he’s not willing to go to counselling or something, I’d find it hard to commit to him for a lifetime of verbal abuse and disrespect.  Sorry, I can’t imagine how owful this is for you.

Post # 10
Member
1333 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@almostahunter:  He has kids with his ex, thus he is connected to her for life, in some form or fashion.  However, you do have a say in your comfort level in how he communicates with her, how often, and what they are communicating about, etc. 

You said in your latest post this is not the man you fell you love with, that this is the man who gave you herpes without telling you (sorry, still a huge red flag for me), a man who seems to get jealous, and you are trying (in return) to not get violent?!  All because, as I read it, you do not want to necessarily cancel another wedding???

Although I can imagine how hard it would be to leave, as any relationship is, and how hard it would be to cancel a wedding, I would think those that truly love you and support would want YOUR best interest and YOUR happiness – first and foremost. 

Post # 11
Member
1576 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Unless your Fiance gets some counseling, this behavior will only get worse after marriage. Every one deserves RESPECT in a marriage. If it was me, I would walk if he doesn’t agree to get some help.

Post # 12
Member
1371 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

“I also don’t want to call it off because I’ve already broken off one wedding about 4 years ago that my parents got stuck with the bill for.  It was humiliating.  I can’t go through that again.”

 

@almostahunter:  This is the worst possible thought EVER.  You’d rather live a life of abuse than suffer a short term humiliation?  Sorry, long term health takes precidence over short term embarassment. Do you honestly think your parents would rather see you marry an abusive jerk than get out and try again someday? 

 

Post # 14
Member
1333 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@almostahunter:  Ready for some tough ‘love’?!  If you leave, you have something HUGE, your pride, your happiness and YOUR FUTURE!!  Yes, it will BE HARD.  Yes, you will have to re-build, but you will be fine.  Better than with someone like him.  Each of your responses highlights that more and more! He would not let you get a job?!  Forget that…you need to get out. 

As far as your parents and their list, well, I have no advice.  But, I will still stand by the fact that they would rather you be happy, and in a healthy relationship, then be the only ‘unwed’ one in your family.  It sounds to me like you are worryign about everyone else, and not thinking at all about yourself. 

 

Post # 15
Member
2695 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2008

“wouldn’t let me take a job ” and about 10 other red flags in your posts so far.

this man is CONTROLLING you, why would you want to sign up for a lifetime of this? I get you want to be married, you don’t want to dissapoint people – but all of that pales in comparison to signing up for a lifetime with an emtionally abusive, controlling man.  Get out NOW before you are legally tied to him.  It will be hard, probably incredibly devastating, but also worth it.

Post # 16
Member
2693 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2008

I don’t know what kind of advice you’re really looking for, but this doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship.  I’m really sorry.  You stated in an above post that he outright tells you he “can’t respect you” because of your sexual past.  That’s not love.  That’s not healthy.  If he can’t love you for who are, in spite or or despite what you’ve been through to make you the person you are now, that’s not healthy.  He sounds a bit emotionally unstable and controlling.  Disallowing you to take a job for any reason other than it being dangerous is selfish controlling behavior–especially if it was a job you wanted or really liked.  And then lying to you about an STD, or just not divulging that information…none of this sounds like a good or health situation for you to be in.  If he can’t be reasoned with or he won’t let you talk to him, none of these are good things.  He sounds like he needs some help, he obviously has some unwarranted disrespect and resentful feelings towards you. 

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