Post # 1
My SO and I have been together more than 3.5 years (4 years at the second of August) and we started talking about getting married about 7ish months in. I knew it wouldn’t be anytime soon, but we did at least talk about getting to that point.
A year into our relationship we moved in together. I feel we would have waited a bit longer but I lived in MO and him in NY. So it was move in together or see each other twice a year. Its been working out really good. After a year of living together I figured okay, time to start honestly thinking about getting engaged. In the next year or so.
Three years in I finally started getting upset about it and telling him I WANT TO GET MARRIED DAMMIT. So he agreed, we just needed the money. Wait until we get our taxes. So I did (and you better believe I did our taxes as soon as our W-2’s and 1099’s came in) and we got much much more than we thought we would get. (Let’s say like 4 times what I thought, thanks Obama)
When he asked what I wanted to do with my half of the tax money I was just quiet, if he wasn’t ready then I wasn’t going to force him to get me a ring. But he said he promised he would get a ring for me, so start looking for one. Two months roll by and I ask him what the deal was. He always got mad when I brought up weddings and rings. He told he wanted to go back on his promise and wasn’t ready to get married yet. I was really upset but after talking to him I realized he was just afraid of the unknown. So I asked him to talk to a friend who was recently married and his Dad. After that he was back on board.
By that time I told him I didn’t want any expensive fancy ring. I just wanted a ring I have of my Grandmother’s to have its center stone replaced with a diamond. Shouldn’t be too crazy price wise, he just has to find a jeweler to do this. He says this is really hard to find. And that my mom agrees. (Not that I would ever ask her) This has been going on for another 2-3 months and he is starting to get angry when I bring up wedding stuff again.
I really didnt want to have anything to do with the finding of the jeweler because I do this kind of stuff for him ALL the time. This is one thing I want to be suprised with. Last night I just did a quick search and it took me all of 3 minutes to find a jeweler who replaces stones. WTF. And our tax money is gone. I feel like he just waited until the money was gone so he could say “Oh well, too bad”. I’m at the end of my flipping rope. Everyone at work is like,”Ummm….I thought you said you were getting engaged….”
I don’t need a proposal TODAY, I just want some progress… Am I asking for too much?
Post # 3
You said you want it to be a surprise but then you keep asking lol. What makes you think he hasn’t done it and you just dont know about it yet? Maybe he is trying to surprise you but you keep bringing it up. guys don’t like to be badgered and even though it doesn’t seem like that to you, it might come across that way to him. I say find a hobby or go out with friends and if it doesn’t happen within the next (3) months then bring it up again.
Post # 4
I know because my Grandmother’s ring is sitting on his desk right now. Sans diamond. And because I know him and how he operates.
Also, I haven’t been talking about it in the last month or two. I just brought it up last night because a girl at work said she used a nearby jeweler for the same thing and she loved them.
Post # 5
Sounds like he isn’t ready (my guy didn’t get into arguments with me when he was ready) so what are you going to do? I would let him know how you feel and that you are really disappointed. Money isn’t the issue here- there is nothing too difficult about getting a diamond placed in a new setting. I would also talk to him about timelines and progress. And then figure out what YOU are going to do. Start operating in the relationship like a single gal – make solo decisions, make decisions that benefit yourself and etc.
Post # 6
Your guy says he’s afraid of the unknown and fear is an extremely powerful motivator for avoidance. I know that my guy HATES change and he needs to know everything he’s getting into before getting into it or else he’s paralyzed by the unknowns and ends up avoiding and not making a decision.
What I’ve been doing for the past… 2-3 years is passively talking about how fun marriage will be. Like if I see a cool idea like having an outdoor grill kitchen I’ll say “Oh, how neat! That would be so fun to have if we get married and we can have all our friends over for BBQs!” Now I’ve become much more vocal about how awesome marriage will be and have pretty much spelled out what it will be like and how much fun I plan on having and what plans I have for our house, puppies, kids, etc. I also drop hints if I’m telling him how so-and-so won’t see their friends anymore because they’re married, I’ll say “that’s silly, just because you’re married doesn’t mean you should have to lose all your friends!” to reassure him that he’ll still be himself if he marries me. He now gets really excited talking about marriage plans and he’ll point out stuff he knows will make me get all excited and talk about plans.
I’m not saying to abandon Mr.Bee’s plan all together and talk marriage all the freaking time, but some well placed comments about how awesome it will be to be married can go a long way for a guy who’s terrified of the unkown and therefore avoids thinking about it.
Post # 7
I agree that it really sounds like he isn’t ready to get married. And you’re almost finding people to talk him into it. Unfortunately, if he isn’t ready, he isn’t ready! You might want to take a step back and see if you’re willing to wait for him or if you’re ready to move on.
Post # 8
From what you’ve told us about him he doesnt sound ready…
Post # 9
First of all **hugs**. Also you and your SO’s anniversary is one day before me and my SO. We will also make 4 years this year and we’ve lived together about as long as you. Although we’ve always been in the same city. WOW that’s cool….
Being in a waiting situation as you are you have to take control of the situation. Put your foot down. Talk with him…no pressure, no persuassion, just REAL talk. Let him know where you stand and why. Be firm and direct. Non emotional (crying, etc.) Let him know you are serious and you will have to consider other options (walking away, moving out, etc) if he is not where you are regarding your relationship. Force him to talk and give you answers. Direct answers. Let him know that there aren’t any more excuses.
My SO knows that I’m at my witsend when it comes to waiting for this proposal. Like your SO mine was definitely afraid of the unknown. Yet that’s not my problem. I feel we’ve been together long enough for you to have figured it out by now. I’ve stopped talking about it since our “agreement” on when, where, and how we wanted to get married. So he has been talking about it more and more on his own which means he’s opening up to it more. But I’m still not letting my guard down. My deadline is our 4 year anniversary so just under four months away (he doesn’t know). I’m not waiting past that point. It would have been sooner but he was out of work for three months already this year. He didn’t get much (practically nothing) back on his income tax…he’s single and has no kids to file. But he hasn’t been paid unemployement for the time he was out of work so hopefully that comes through and gets him a big boost on putting money down toward the ring. Half or more if he prioritizes right. He is supposed to also start another job hopefully next week and that will start his income again.
Post # 10
@2PeasinaPod: Its not that they talked him into it, I just felt everything was so unknown that it might help to talk to people he trusts and are close to him. It did help. Just like Wedding Bee helps me realize Im not the only person on the planet to be going through this.
@PrettySedity: Thank you. Your post really made me feel better. We might as well be married (joint bank account, both of our names are on all the bills, car insurence together, family plan for our cells, etc) except for the names, ring, and the legality. If I don’t get some serious progress by the 4 year mark I think I will be getting rid of all that. I make about twice he does. He’s not gonna be happy when ALL of his money is gonna go towards bills and I will have plenty saved up.
Post # 11
@Caizn: If it’s not too much, can I ask how old your SO is? And how long he’s been out of school (you mentioned 1099s – student loans, right?). Also, what’s the quotient of married to sinlge male friends for you guys? Most of our friends have been seemling terminally single men for the majority of my SO’s and my time together. Then, this last year as everyone hit 30-35 years old, they all got engaged and/or married this past year. Some had been in their reltainships about 7-8 years, one was at 11, and one was at 9 months when he proposed (no, they’re waiting, so it’s not THAT kind of 9 months :P).
I just mention it because if your SO has many single guy friends telling him marriage is ‘game over’, even in jest, if he’s not got friends and family moving forward, showing him it’s a good idea, AND if he’s not quite close to 30, he’s probably still in the guy-zone of ‘not ready’. Men typically have the largest urge to marry right around 30-35 years old, unless they are marrying their HS sweetheart/right out of college. If he’s about 25, then he might still have some growing to do before he can break out of college-guy mode and into I-can-be-a-husband mode. Also, you mentioned being more of the breadwinner – this can make some guys not feel ‘man’ enough to see themselves as a husband – they’re kinda still in boy-mode, because they are not the main provider.
Hope some of this makes sense. You can talk and ask all you want, but until the wheels click in his head on their own, it won’t really help, and can make you look like a nagger, making you less credible in his mind about anyhting perceived as ‘nagging’. Set little evaluatio timelines for yourself to keep quiet unless HE brings it up, or it’s a converation with friends, and then, as several months pass without him perceiving pressure, bring it up calmly and just ask how he’s feeling about it. Make him do the talking, and try to get around “I don’t know”. See what he pictures in HIS mind as when he’d be ready – a certain income? A house? A dog? Guys have marraige/family dreams, too, even if it’s not quite the same as ours. Maybe asking him what HIS is, can help him feel better about it?
Post # 12
I find it really hard to believe that a guy doesn’t absolutely know the answer to this ‘M’ question within the first year of the relationship. Especially now at this point where you guys have joint bank accts and what not. Come ON…… Who are we kiddin’!?
The issue is different. He doesn’t want to get married right now. Not to you, not to anyone else either. Please do not pester him about it or he will get fed up and just leave you.
I know that your feelings are valid too and you want them to materialize, however, bear in mind that his feelings (which are opposite of yours) are just as valid. Yours do not trump his and vice-versa.
I feel the best solution right now would be for you to move out and slowly start separating all your accounts. You said it yourself that it will hit him when he sees how much more he has to pay, etc. This isn’t abandoning the relationship. This is just so you get away from him and do not have to see his face EVERYDAY because the more you do at this point, the more pissed off you will be. He won’t be looking to you like the man you love. He will look like the man who won’t marry you. And I’m sure you don’t wanna end up hatin’ him. You definitely need some breathing room, girl.
Post # 13
Afraid of the unknow ? Really, if one is afraid of the unknow, how do they leave their house everyday, get on a train, plane or in an automoblie ? Everything, every aspect of life is unknown when it comes down to it !! Some men are just idiots, none of this men are from mars, women from “heaven” (lol) or any of the other 101 excuses men are provided with for their actions, some are just idiots LMAO that’s just the simple truth of it some days 🙂
Mmmm just had a thought, maybe men receive a book in 5th grade called 101 excuses while we get educated about becoming hormonal wrecks for the next 30 – 40 years hahahahahahah ……..
Post # 14
1099s are work stubs for like contractors or independent employees to pay taxes on.
Post # 15
@Caizn: We really are alike in many ways. I too make more (almost 2x) than my SO. What I didn’t do though was combine things. All his bills are in his name and my bills are in my name. No joining. We do live together in a place I can afford all alone. I lived here then he moved in with me. So the lease is in my name. So if he ever needed to leave no sweat off my back.
I think you have a good plan with seperating your finances, etc. I think for him it may be a case of “why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free”. Like many of the SO’s I hear about on the boards (mine too). They tend to get complacent. Comfortable with status quo and what life is like right now. Think about it. He has everything he would as a husband. Why change it now? So you have to show him. I was watching a commercial where a girl said “I’m not going to do things as a wife while still being a girlfriend” Food for thought. I wish I would have taken that advice long before “shacking” or “giving up the goods”. Men these days are spoiled and it’s a shame you have to jump through hoops just to see where their heads are regarding the future, marriage, kids, etc. Stick to your guns. I know I am. At 4 years for us…if there isn’t an engagement there will DEFINITELY be some changes.
Post # 16
@Isilme: My SO and I are 26, as armychicka pointed out 1099’s are not student loans, but that IS what I meant. I apparently forgot the correct number. We got fed up with our jobs so we are going to college to get degrees and make some damn money lol. No matter when we get engaged we both agreed we would not get married until we graduate. I’ve planned a wedding while in college once and it resulted me in dropping out. Not gonna do that again.
His friends are about 50/50 with the marriage thing. He says he is ready to get married, but like I said before, when we gradate. But what happens is the opposite of that. He doesnt act at all ready. He just confuses me soo much. He has brought it up tons in the last few days. The conversations go like “You should have a pony, it would be so cute!” and then it turns into “You’re not responsible enough for a pony, who are you kidding?” I hope that metaphor makes sense… He told me I would look good in white. But then he tells me Im obcessed about a ring. (To which I replied “no, Im obcessed with getting married. TO YOU.”) I finally just told him stop bringing it up, its making me sick to my stomach.
@Doubtful: It is not fanancially feasible for either of us to move out. Well, I could survive without him, but I would be struggling, and no thanks. I love living with him. I work more, he takes care of the apartment. I get sick often and he takes care of me. I want to live with him, but if I don’t get a ring by August, he will be learning some more responsibility.
I think its a total crock to say EVERYONE knows if its forever after a year. When I was 19 (only a few days after my birthday in fact) my first husband proposed after being together for a year. We got married on our 2nd yr dating anniversary. We lasted a whole two years after that. He did a 100% change in his attitude and how he treated me. Had I been smarted I would have waited til we got out of college and by then I would have known what kind of asshole he was. I know my SO was the one after two years. It takes different couples different amounts of time.
@PrettySedity: I think he is kind of complacent, but I am too. I love our life as it is. Sure, I would like him to take a bit more responsiblity, but who doesn’t want that of their SO? The reason I want to get married so much is because I don’t want it to change. Other than to make it official. Like I said earlier if you’re not reading my mile long reply I just want to be married, even if that means a twist-tie for a ring and a signed marriage license and no big party.
And now my hands are cramping…lol!!!