(Closed) So hard resisting living together!

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 46
5365 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2016

We moved in together right after our 2 year anniversary and we were 19 at the time. We got engaged a couple of months before our 5th anniversary and have been engaged for almost 9 months. I am 23 today and he is 22. The only time I’ve seen it take a little while to progress to engagement is when both are still young, like I said, still teenagers. I’m assuming you are from the south since you said you live in a more conservative area, and I am too, and think that the milk and cow thing is complete and utter bullshit (pun intended). No way in hell would I marry someone I hadn’t lived with. 

Post # 47
7905 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

futuredoctorbee:  I’m glad my post resonated with you. By the time we were serious with each other, we were spending most days and nights together. Sometimes, though, I wanted to entertain my girlfriends in my house, or he wanted to hang out with his dude friends. Sometimes one of us would need to study. While we have always been committed to our relationship, we were used to our separate lives before meeting, so it made sense to maintain our own individual living situations while dating. 

After we got engaged, I was surprised Darling Husband was so ready to move in. We both agreed on a move in time after I had finished my board exam and after he had finished his summer grad school class. Even before he moved in, he was helping out with chores and doing minor fixes in the house and already was storing stuff at my house, so not surprisingly, the transition to living together was so incredibly smooth. 

Moving is a huge hassle. It’s not something I would ever take lightly. It felt so good to live together, but I’m glad we did have that separate space before that. 

Post # 48
2123 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2017


Cute isn’t it 🙂

Makes me think that lots of us have similar feelings but prioritise things differently. I like that.

Post # 49
19 posts
  • Wedding: June 2015

I couldn’t imagine not having lived with my Fiance before getting married. Marriage is a transition period, you’ve just vowed to spend FOREVER with this person. Moving in together is also super intense and a bit stressful. I think had we not lived together first, it would have been a terrifying adjustment. I don’t think you truly know someone until you’ve lived with them. Our first apartment was a tiny studio with us and our huge dog, moved in together 2 years ago, we were in love, but adjusting to that new dynamic was scary! I’m glad we got that part of our lives over with. Besides, it made way for all the difficult situations and joys that have made me even more certain that he is the right person.

As for being afraid that time will get away from you, if you both want to get married, you’ll do it. It has to be made a priority if that’s what you’re looking forward to. Doesn’t matter where you live, if it’s going to happen, you’re going to make it happen.

Post # 50
2005 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

futuredoctorbee:   yes, “everyone” is moving in together and it’s so convenient and they don’t want to marry someone without living with them blah blah blah but it’s ok to not be willing to settle for moving in without a commitment (engagement). You know this guy and you have a sense that marriage would not be forthcoming as quickly as you would like if you did that. Listen to your gut (Read the “waiting” board too for some waiting frustration!)  You said your time line talk that he’ll put a ring on it in 1 1/2 years,  let him do that first. …

There’s also a phenomena called “sliding” into marriage vs consciously deciding. Think that’s more common in long term live in relationships than many realize.   Be true to yourself. Good luck! 

Post # 52
621 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: City, State

I’m in a similar position!  I currently live with an old friend from college, and I LOVE it! My SO comes over on the weekends, and we usually try to hang out in the middle of the week.  I love my room, I love my alone time on Monday nights, it’s a fantastic location, good price, I am just very content.  However, my roomate just dropped a bomb last week that she wants her SO to move in (she owns the place). DUN-Dun-dun… now I have to find a new place.

I’ve been with my SO for almost 3 years, we both just turned 30.  After about 5 months of dating he wanted to move in together, but he respected that I wasn’t ready.  I had always wanted to wait until marriage, but sometime in the past couple years decided that I’d compromise by living together while engaged.  He’s been talking again about us living together for months now, and we’ve looked at rings.  But now that this opportunity has landed on us, he’s really pushing for us to live together.  He’s made it clear that he has every intention of proposing this year, but that he won’t give me any more specific timeline than that.

I have concerns about my family’s opinions.  I feel a little uncomfortable with living together, like it’s me pretty much saying “I’m committed, you’re the one” when he hasn’t actually given me that formal commitment.  Don’t get me wrong, I guess he does say that, it’s just difficult thinking through and balancing old-fashioned family values (family upbringing, formal proposal, etc.) with more modern expectations.

I’m super overwhelmed, and really not sure what to do.  I do know I love him, and I WANT to live together, I just have a lot of my own thoughts to sort through i guess.  This thread has been helpful, I just wish someone could help me make the right choice!

Post # 53
362 posts
Helper bee

I’m a former pro-living together advocate who has switched sides to waiting until engagement in certain cases, mainly because my Boyfriend or Best Friend had a male panic attack and broke-up with me when living together came up, LOL. (He was transferred to a different base 3 hours away and neither of us were keen on LDR, so naturally it became a discussion.) We’re good now, but I also know that he’s just a slow-mover and that if I did relocate and move in, I would be waiting on that rock for much longer than I’d be happy with.

If you think living together will make your Boyfriend or Best Friend feel too complacent, then I 100% agree with waiting, or moving in but having a VERY serious conversation with him along the lines of, “If I move in and there’s not a ring on my finger in (blank) amount of time, I will be moving back out. Period.”

It’s not an ultimatum… but the biggest lesson I learned from my break-up was that it’s important to get your expectations/timelines straight with each other before taking big steps like that.

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 6 months ago by  Mal_Adjusted.
Post # 54
362 posts
Helper bee

P.S. To clarify that last part, Boyfriend or Best Friend had a panic attack because to HIM moving in together is a giant deal. He thought if I moved in, he would have to propose ASAP, whereas I was just looking at it as a way to spend more time together and see how well we co-habitated as a warm-up to marriage discussions. Now I think it’s better if we both definitely know he’s ready to get married (hence waiting for engagement) before I leave my hometown and relocate for him.

So I guess what I’m saying is talk to your S/O and see what moving in would mean for the relationship for him? You might like his answer, you might not. Clearly you want it to be seen as a step towards engagement, so you need to express that to him.

Post # 55
3725 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

futuredoctorbee:  DH and I used to live just two miles apart and I was usually the one spending nights at his place. About two years in, we decided to live together at his house because we were ready. Two years later he proposed and now we’re married. If he wants to marry you, he will, living together or not.

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