Post # 1
My best friend’s husband left her on Memorial Day weekend. Right now, I’m really struggling watching her deal with this. Just for some background, 6 years ago I found out my ex-husband was cheating on me and went through one of the messiest divorces ever, leaving me a single mom of a 2 yr old at the time….
Fast forward to now…. She called me on the Friday before Memorial Day, crying that he had moved out. He told her that he wasn’t happy and that he wanted out.
I have never liked this guy….ever…. When they were dating, he made several inappropriate comments to me and about me. One time he told me I had “a nice ass for a pregnant woman”. Another time, my friend picked up some photos for me at the store, and when she was dropping them off to me, we asked if he wanted to see them with us, and his comment was “only if there are pics of her in her swimsuit”, with a smirky smile… Completely inappropriate things to say to your FI’s best friend.
In addition to this, this guy has never been very social with our group of friends. He does NOTHING to help her around the house, and belittles her on a regular basis. They have a baby girl who will be 2 yrs old this October, and he’s been zero help with this child. He has told my friend that he doesn’t want to have sex with her any more because she’s too fat, and has also told her she’s a nag and that he can’t stand her…..
My friend confirmed last week that he has been seeing his ex-FI from years ago. She hasn’t confronted him about this yet, but he knows she suspects something. Yet, she is still desperately hoping that they will be able to “work this out”. She talked him into going out of town tonight to ‘talk’ about things. But, in her plans for going away, she’s packed a bunch of lingerie, and stuff to seduce him.
I just feel like at this point she’s grasping at straws… It’s so hard for me to sit back & be supportive of her while she goes on like this. I just want to tell her how ridiculous this is. I want to tell her that this guy is not someone worthy of her…. But, I just bite my tongue and tell her that all I hope is that she doesn’t get hurt any further…
Post # 3
I just got a call from my friend…. Apparently her weekend away went ok yesterday, but today when they returned back to town her husband left from their house without kissing her goodbye, and was very cold to her. She says she’s “just devestated”….. Part of me just wants to scream that he’s just playing her. But, I’m trying to just keep my mouth shut and listen, without giving my own two cents….
Post # 4
I am so sorry you have to watch her go through this. I know exactly what its like when you want to help. I would compliment her often and do things for/with her to help her feel good about herself regardless of how he is treating her. Also, while you don’t want to say bad things about HIM in case they do decide to get back together, I think it is completely appropriate to say something about how he is TREATING her. I would constantly remind her that she is a beautiful person and she deserves to be shown love!
Post # 5
That’s so hard… I think that if ya’ll are close though you should be able to be real with her about it… if she chooses to stay in denial then that’s on her. I was in a verbally & emotionally abusive relationship and I’m very thankful for the friends that were real with me and didn’t let me stay “victim”… they really helped me & I’m truly grateful that they were willing to put themselves and our relationship on the line to help me see the reality of where I was.
Would she read a book suggested to her?.. I know a really great book that helped me and lots of women be able to see themselves for the worth they really are… it helped me leave my ex-husband who was abusive & it’s helped girls part of our home stop behaviours that were harmful.
It’s called Captivating by John & Stasi Eldredge
It’s not a “10 steps to fix your life book” but more of a book that can help her grow within her and just learn how to love herself better.
Hope she can see herself through new eyes soon so that she can put a stop to all of this… either by setting up right boundaries and holding him to them or by being able to leave if he truly doesn’t come around. sigh ((hugs)) for you and yoru friend
Post # 6
Thank you so much both for your words of encouragement. I have tried hard to be encouraging to her and to tell her often how wonderful she is, and that I don’t want to see her get more hurt.
The even harder part is, she is playing this little game…. She has her husband’s ex (the one he’s seeing again) on her Facebook friends list. She’s been posting all of these photos of her and her husband (their first kiss at their wedding, pics of them as a family) every day, and putting this outrageous and flamboyant statuses out there (i.e. – when she got back today she posted “Such an AMAZING time this weekend with my husband. Man how time flies when you are having fun” and yesterday before they left she posted “baby free weekend with the man I love most in the world!!! Don’t anyone expect to hear a peep from us.” and she’s posting this in hopes that the other woman will read this and see that her husband is ‘lying’ to her too, if he’s told her that they’re separated. She hopes this will drive a wedge between them too, forcing him back to her… Really??? We’re in our mid-30’s, not in high school!
I just feel like a lot of what she is doing is really making her look foolish. I haven’t commented on most of it, but it’s getting harder and harder to keep my mouth shut…
@amnystik, thanks for the recommendation on the book. I do think she’d accept that, and I may just order it for her. I’d also be interested in reading it, it might help me help her…. Thanks!
Post # 7
@soon2bS: This is so unfortunate, and makes my blood boil. I have a really hard time in these situations, because I have a hot temper, and always voice my opinion, and in these situations, its not always a good outcome.
If I were you, I would maybe take her to lunch or ask her over for a few drinks, then try to calmly talk to her about it. Ask her what she would say to you in the roles were reversed? Could she watch you do this to yourself and not say anything? I think being calm and non judgmental is the key (something I really have to work on, unfortunately) and maybe you can help her see that she is acting in a ridiculous fashion