(Closed) So He is Getting Married

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 32
637 posts
Busy bee

armychica06 :  I feel like meeting her is inevitable. Is she never going to go to a school event, soccer game, etc. where you will be? If they stay married (which who knows with that guys track record) I feel like you will eventually run into each other. 

As far as your son, if your ex have family members you still trust, I would ask their opinion if she is fit to be around your child. 

I am sure at first she was embarrased and ashamed, and now you have gone so long without meeting it is awkward. I wouldnt worry about when or if it happens and just try to block it out of your mind. 


Post # 34
3090 posts
Sugar bee


armychica06 :  Hon, I was where you are. I walked in on my ex husband in bed with someone else…he is still with the girl and when he takes my kids, they are around her as well. I have learned that the best revenge is living well.:)  And trust me, karma is so so real.  Be glad that you are rid of him and that they are getting married. They deserve each other. If he would do it with her, it would have also done it with someone else even if she was not in the picture. My ex has now asked me back countless times. I am now in a healthy, sound relationship with a really, REALLY good man and now soooooo much more happier than I was when I was with him…no more wondering where he is and who he is with. I treat both of them cordially and respectfully. She has even dropped off my kids a couple of times and I have been super nice because I am so over it. I also know he is a pig and even happier that he is no longer my problem.

Post # 36
10078 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

But neither here nor there- cheaters don’t change their spots. So when she is cheated on, maybe then she will understand *shrugs*

Actually, lots of people who cheat on partners go on to have perfectly normal and healthy relationships where they don’t cheat on the new partner. 

Honestly, you seem seriously not moved on from this. You just get more and more bitter each new post about this woman. Fine, be bitter, I get it. However, you really need to get over your hurt feelings for the sake of your kid. You are going to meet this woman. Its going to happen. You should be an adult and try to have a somewhat functional relationship with her for the sake of your child.

Post # 37
244 posts
Helper bee

slomotion : Sure, there’s some debate about whether once a cheater always a cheater.  But there’s a huge difference between a guy who cheats on his girlfriend in high school or college and a man who cheats on the mother of his child five days after his wedding.  Something tells me this leopard won’t change his spots.  OP might sound bitter, but you sound super defensive.  Does this hit close to home?

Post # 38
4676 posts
Honey bee

This woman has ceased to be the “the woman who broke up your family and wouldn’t back off” (also, she wasn’t alone in this – he didn’t want to break up with her either).  She is now your kid’s stepmom (or soon to be).  Period.  I’m going to assume your kid is at least four years old based on the timeline.  Kids are observant little creatures.  Also pretty good at mimicry, especially at that age.  So really, swallow all of that bitterness and pettiness down (not just be ok that it is petty) and really get over it (not just say you’re over it) for his sake beacuse you’re now modeling behavior for him.  He is now at an age where he will pick up on it, however subtle it may be.  He will sense the tension and the bitterness and the avoidance and the pettiness and it will make his back and forth between the two of you more difficult for him. 

Kill them with kindness.  Take the high road always.  You don’t have to force a meeting, but always leave the door open.  

Post # 39
6836 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

allywed :  The fact is that this simply doesn’t matter anymore. It’s done. They’re getting married. Time to move on. OP is obviously still bitter (and I get that, I really do) and seems to be holding this other woman responsible for “breaking up a family.” Not saying this woman is a saint or anything, but it was OP’s ex that is responsible here. He’s the one that broke his vows and betrayed her trust. 

No matter what it’s time to move on. This woman WILL be in your son’s life. The time for pettiness is over. PP gave great advice to take the high road here. 

Post # 40
3178 posts
Sugar bee

I would want to meet someone who is in my child’s life.

Honestly, the one who seems like she has low self esteem here is you. Stop saying that because she’s unattractive to you that she must have low self esteem. You don’t know that and you don’t know her. 

Post # 41
9530 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2016

yeah, I’d want to meet anyone who has and is going to continue having a big part in my child’s life.

edited to remove advice that is irrelevant (I made the mistake of posting without reading the full thread).


Post # 42
827 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

armychica06 :  I really feel for you OP, nobody should ever have to go through something like that. 

The other day a bee mentioned chumplady.com who gives great advice on situations like yours. I read lots of the archived posts on there about people’s experiences of cheating, divorce, healing etc and thought she’s really helpful and gets it. Great practical advice too not just emotional

Post # 42
8806 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

Like pretty much everyone has said, I would not have my child around a person I had never met. He is getting to the age of sleeping over now I would  guess,  and  no way would I countenance that with an unknown person.

Her  being  ‘unattractive’  and’ having low self esteem ‘ seems irrelevant , even if true. You can’t know  either of those things  , unless you just mean she is not conventionally beautiiful.  Who knows what he has told her her about you, the  marriage, all of it .

Personally  , I would make  it a condition of my child being at her house that you meet her , and not in the company  of your ex either, at least for the first time.  

Post # 44
10078 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

allywed :  Not at all, actually. Not really sure what you were trying to imply there.

But, ya know, maybe I am defensive. Defensive of a woman not one us know (including OP) being called an idiot, ugly, that she has low self esteem and so on and so fourth. I get that her husband did a shitty thing and is likely a gigantic asshat. But considering no one knows this woman, no one at all knows her side or what she may have been told or the circumstances around this situation. So yeah, maybe she is/was a terrible person who knew full and well what she was doing at the time, but maybe she was just as in the dark as OP (which seems likely since he’s keeping them apart), none of us know that for sure. The villian here is OP’s ex husband, i’m all for burning him at the stake.

If you want to talk about things hitting close to home, maybe being cheated on hits close to home for you and thats why you spent most of your original response calling this woman an unethical idiot with no personal depth. 

Post # 45
1703 posts
Bumble bee

I asked earlier if the OP had the child before the marriage and didn’t get an answer. I was trying not to assume, but based on the timeline of events, it sounds like it. Given that information, there is A LOT of missing info here that I don’t even know if the OP can answer. 

The guy could be a complete dirtbag and played both women (we don’t know the seriousness of either relationship from his point of view)

The guy could have tried to make it work with with the OP since a child was involved, but was always really in love with the other girl

We also don’t know who he was “dating” first.

No matter what the real circumstances, no doubt it is painful for the OP, but I don’t think it is fair to place so much blame on the other woman since we don’t really know all the circumstances

I see A LOT of posts on this site from women who already have children or are pregnant by men they aren’t married to, then they are “waiting”, or there are issues with other women, etc. Having a child with a man doesn’t guarantee he will be COMMITTED to you for life, it only means you will have to deal with him on some level for at least 18 years. It is a shame so many children are brought into the world in these situations 🙁 

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