Post # 46
- Wedding: March 2014 - Chicago, IL
I can’t believe the amount of people telling you not to meet her. She’s going to be your son’s second mom! You should know her.
Will she be partly in charge of disciplining your child when they have him? If yes, you need to get on the same page about it.
Does your son have dietary restrictions? TV/media restrictions? If yes, she should be on the same page.
Does your son have a schedule? What will be the plan for school? Will custody change if they need to move far away for her work? How will you work that out?
Yes, absolutely you should meet her, but it should be in the context of having a group co-parenting meeting (with your ex present) to focus on your son’s needs – not who burned who and rehashing old feelings.
Post # 47
armychica06 : I wouldn’t worry, its long gone now and best to keep it there. I personally wouldn’t want to meet her, not worth it.
Post # 48
slomotion : Actually, this does hit close to home, but not in the way that you’re implying. I was the other woman in a similar situation. I ended our year long relationship as soon as I found out that my ex had cheated on his then fiancé to be with me.
Sure, he made up all sorts of excuses about what an evil bitch she was. But I had the good sense to know that a DECENT person ends one relationship before pursuing another. A decent person doesn’t go ahead and propose while scoping out other options.
You have to be lacking any depth to be so full of yourself to think that a man cheating on his fiancé will treat you any better. That was my thinking then and now.
Some of my friends questioned my decision to end a “good thing,” but I knew I had made the right decision. I had enough self-esteem to know that I deserved a better man. Last I heard of him, his wife of just six months had filed for divorce. You can guess the reason. Meanwhile, I’m engaged to a surgeon with morals.
Based on my experiences, I can agree with the OP as to her opinion about the other woman. But that’s not helpful to the OP. She needs to ignore her own justified feelings and do whatever is best for her son. I think talking about the situation with a therapist is probably the best thing. That way she can get qualified advice.
Post # 49
ct2015 : Normally, I agree with pretty much everything you say, but I have to disagree with you a little here. Yes, having a child doesn’t guarantee commitment, but neither does a marriage. Plenty of men leave their legal wives and children with little hesitation. The only difference is paperwork and the amount of money exchanged, not the level of commitment.
Post # 50
I think we actually agree – I was speaking from a financial and/or logistical commitment – it is a lot easier to walk away from a girlfriend or even a “baby momma” than it is a wife.
Post # 51
allywed : I definitely agree with you on the last point and applaud you for doing the right thing in your situation.
Post # 52
Tisa85 : thank you. SI really helped me heal during the whole ordeal but I hope anyone reading this and find themselves dealing with infidelity can use that site.
Post # 53
allywed : thank you for sharing that. I too can’t understand why anyone can’t reasonably understand that, basic decency or empathy *shrugs* It amazes me when people say get over it not knowing that it can take up to 5 years for someone to heal from infidelity. And truthfully be told I will probably will never be over it as I am reminded every Christmas when my son is separated what happened. What I can do is minimize the impact it has on us and time has/will help with that. So I will be whatever I have been called in this thread- petty, insecure, etc. I didn’t sleep with someone’s husband and didn’t help break up their family. I didn’t help cause pain to another woman because of a man. When my son asks what happens when he is older, he will know the whole truth.
bluehope : yes this is where I am at now. I have decided not to meet her. I think it is just best to leave everything where it is. If there are any issues concerning child rearing, I will email my ex and cc my lawyer. Unfortunately I have deal with him til our son is 18. I don’t have to deal with her…
Fortunately this will not be a huge issue. They live in another state from us so kid exchanges are only during summer and holiday vacations. She is also 10 years younger- she doesn’t even interact with my son now… I think parallel parenting will work better for our situation considering all the facts. My ex and I have been doing that for the last couple of years without issues- so it can continue.
Information on parallel parenting if anyone is interested-
Post # 54
I personally wouldn’t want to meet her. However, if you’re child is involved it might be good to meet her and see if you can be civil toward one another for the sake of you’re child.
I personally wouldn’t want to look at that woman. (but I’m not in you’re situation & I also don’t have kids.)
Post # 55
armychica06 : With all due respect, you would greatly benefit from therapy. I do agree that you may never get completely over it- and it was a horribly shitty thing to do to you, no denying that- but you are practically venomous with bitterness, in no way do you appear to have moved on from this, if anything you have continued to nurse this bitterness to the point of allowing it to grow.
Your ex’s fiance is not the villain in this. Yes, she should have backed off when she found out he was married, that would have been the ethical thing to do. But maybe she was weak, maybe she was human, maybe she was already in love with him. Because, since your ex has a history of lying to both of you, maybe their relationship wasn’t as new as he led you to believe, it’s even possible she was around first and you were the other woman, that he was playing you both. You just don’t know. But snarking on her appearance and her self esteem only makes you look mean and bitter. Your ex is the one who made vows with you and promises with you, if anyone is deserving of the snark it’s him.
You are even putting your bitterness ahead of your child- you’re already planning how you’re going to fill him in on all the gory details, what a cad his father is and how he ‘broke up your family’ and cheated on you with the step-mom, once he’s turned eightteen, like this is some kind of revenge-milestone to anticipate. And you don’t even seem to have an interest in co-parenting or maintaining civil relationships for the sake of your son, saying any parenting issues you will email your ex and cc your lawyer….is this necessary when there is no history of abuse, no fight over custody etc?
Your bitterness is eating at your soul, you really do need to talk to a professional about this so you truly move on and be happy.
Post # 56
RobbieAndJuliahaha : with all due respect- I did go to therapy. That is what happens when a family is broken apart due to the actions of two selfish people. Usually the betrayed and the kids go to therapy to heal from the betrayal.
That said- I am content with everything now and how I view her and him as a result of my therapy and I am not asking if any agrees with how I view her. I am not here to fight about my POV. I was wronged by both parties- this is how I view both of them. I am speaking about her because the question is about her. I have already handled how I interact with my ex via lawyers. Never once did I only blame this on her.
I simply asked if it was weird that I haven’t met her, especially since I asked to meet her two years ago. They have continued a life together, but I found it strange that my ex hasn’t found his balls to introduce us, especially since I have also moved on to someone else.
I am stating everything as I see it. I hold (and held) both of them responsible for what happened. When she found out, was her out. She chose to stay involved- welp choices meet consequences, now she holds some of the blame. If you don’t agree with that- fine. Thank you for your input on the thread. We will disagree and now we can move forward.
I asked for opinions on meeting her- and I received both sides. From that I determined that I do not want to meet her, it is probably healthy for us in this way considering the circumstances. Parallel parenting. I am ok with that.
And again- if I am petty and etc. so be it. I didn’t sleep with someone’s husband and I didn’t help break up a family. Actually, I was given no choices in the matter except for filing for divorce. People are amazed how I have handled the situation and I am too. I have not retaliated, caused drama, attacked her, attacked him or anything like that. I simply took my child, filed for divorce and went away. So I am ok with everything except meeting her. And that is actually ok and my right not to.
Post # 57
RobbieAndJuliahaha : I agree with this 100%
Also, how do you know that she “doesn’t interact with your son now”? If she is his step mom, I’m sure there’s SOME interaction. If your son is who you’re getting this information from, I’m sure he is sugar coating it to not cause any drama. NOTHING screams drama more than the child relaying interactions and conversations from one household to the next knowing it will make the “full time parent” go into bitterness overdrive. I’m sure he keeps it to himself to not upset you.
I think what happened to you is shitty, really shitty. But the bitterness being harbored is not only going to impact you, but it has already impacted your child, I guarantee it. You know what is shittier than your dad walking out on your mom for another woman who is now your step mom? Your dad walking out on your mom for another woman who is now your step mom and your biological mom making that her defining moment in life and putting you in the middle of it for the next 2 decades.
Like PP’s have said, you have no idea what he told her, how long he strung her along, what their relationship was like, etc. It doesn’t even matter now, it is done and everyone is moving on a separate path with one common denominator: your child.
Post # 58
railroaderwifeyxo : thank you. That is what I am going to do. I like that more people have also agreed with this so I know I am not “bitter” or whatever just because I just don’t want to meet the woman now. I do find it weird ex didn’t introduce us on his own but now I am thankful.
Post # 59
armychica06 : Perhaps you should continue with therapy &/ or seek another therapist, because clearly you are not moving on from this at all. The sheer number of times you reiterate ‘broke up a family’, like a mantra of bitter martyrdom, is very telling and so unhealthy for you. If you have a new man in your life, one you’re hoping to marry yourself as I’ve seen you post on the Waiting boards- you simply shouldn’t be harbouring this extreme degree of bitterness toward your past. I’m not denying it was a shitty blow, I’m no stranger to shitty blows from exes myself, but you’re letting it own you and that’s not good for your own mental health nor for your son to be immersed in.
fromatoz : “You know what is shittier than your dad walking out on your mom for another woman who is now your step mom? Your dad walking out on your mom for another woman who is now your step mom and your biological mom making that her defining moment in life and putting you in the middle of it for the next 2 decades.” Exactly. Bee, don’t do this to your kid.
Post # 60
So I have made my choice on what I am going to going forward- which I have already mentioned in a few posts. I appreciate all opinions, even if we didn’t agree. One thing I learned from going to therapy is that I have a right to my feelings and don’t have to apologize for them and no one except me can dictate my healing – how long I should take to heal and etc.
From this situation, I got my beautiful son out of it, I relocated to another state, which resulted in me meeting my now SO. I look forward to getting married again and having a family. Although what happened did hurt me tremendously, I am not letting it stop me from moving on in life and love.
And yes I am thinking of my son- which is why parallel parenting would work a lot better in this situation for everyone, including my son.