(Closed) So here's a question….

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
764 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

Do thingss that keep you active without him … go out with friends ,  do things on your own without his help ๐Ÿ™‚ … get into a hobbie that keeps you busy ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 4
Member
3248 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

I am kind of doing it by going to grad school. Grad school was something I knew I needed to do for myself anyway, but it has had the effect of distancing myself (literally, by 160 miles!) from him. But we do talk a lot, and visit almost every week.  

Maybe plan a trip with a woman friend that you and she have been wanting to go on together. Or, (maybe a better option for not seeming like you’re getting away from him intentionally) plan a visit to a special friend of yours who you haven’t seen in a long time, who lives far away. Most reasonable men would understand that sometimes women want to have girl-time, just like they want guy-time. Trips with or for friends are a good way for you to get out of the house without it seeming too odd. Trips alone or to visit family would look “suspicious” (as in, “you’re not trying to break up with me, are you?” type thing) in the situation you’re going for.

It also has a lot to do with spending time on things YOU are really interested in, without acting like you’re dumping him for the activities. I guess an important aspect of taking on new hobbies/exercising/school/hanging out with friends more, while maintaining a healthy relationship, is making sure that, when you AREN’T busy with the new things in your life, you make a good amount of time for you and your SO to spend together, without distractions, and making it clear that that time is for you to enjoy together as a couple.

Post # 5
Member
868 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@Star7076:  i think the reason most bees are advised to do this because they say something like “i’m having trouble not thinking about this all the time and being sad,” or  “i really wish i could stop bringing this up but i just can’t.” the reason they are advised to take up a hobby or hang out with friends more is so that they can have something completely unrelated to “waiting” to focus on, and hopefully, lift their spirits!

the only other case is one where their SO seems complacent and the bee wants to shake things up a bit. so, the bee will pull back simply to change the routine and show their SO that they will not be there 24-7. this is particularly effective when living together (so i have heard, i’m not in that situation).

in both cases, the attitude is one of empowerment and hopefully, enthusiasm for the hobby/fun girlsnight/time with friends and family. it is noticeably NOT about your SO. i don’t think distant is the right word– busy would be.

Post # 6
Member
1069 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

@Star7076:  Nothing major, just take up a hobby, go out with some pals, basically don’t sit home and dwell on the ring or pester your SO about it. When waiting got really bad for me (SO and I had had a fight, it seemed like he didn’t have a plan to propose even though he had the ring) I told SO I needed to clear my mind, so I took a 6 hour road trip to visit my cousin (I had a 3 day weekend, so I figured why not?) and it really helped me clear my mind, the distance and the change in routine helped immensely! (I’m not saying run away every weekend lol but if you’re really having a bad waiting week and you feel the need to get away, go.) Don’t let your life revolve solely around your SO, you are and always were an individual before you were a couple. Hope this helps ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 7
Member
1936 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

I don’t buy into this school of thought at all. I don’t think it’s advisable to act like you have a life without him. You SHOULD have a life without him. You SHOULD be doing things that you want to do, and making/keeping your own social circle. Games in relationships (yes, this is one) are really not a good idea. If he doesn’t realize what he has right now, he’s probably not the one for you. My SO and I keep certain parts of our lives to ourselves. That’s what makes coming back home to each other even better!

Post # 8
Member
46 posts
Newbee

I agree with BlondeBee!

Direct communication, not games, is the way to go.

Post # 9
Member
1059 posts
Bumble bee

I think BlondeBee and blinkingSTAR are spot on! Personally I started focusing on things and becoming really busy because I had to focus on myself given that I was uncertain where things would go in our relationship, and had been beyond obsessing for months. I realized after awhile that I had been way too focused on our relationship and not enough on myself, and that wasn’t very healthy. I’ve told him all this, and feel like I am in a much better place now, and our relationship is definitely stronger than when I was going crazy waiting. I also feel like I’m much calmer and much more the person I used to be when my SO and I started dating.=)

 

Post # 10
Member
2781 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Pulling away so you can make him realize what he would be missing is just stupid. It’s playing mind games, and if you aren’t mature enough to not play mind games in a relationship, then you really aren’t mature enough to be in a relationship. I highly disagree with this practice many of you waiting bees do.

Post # 11
Member
1059 posts
Bumble bee

I think there is a distinction between pulling away to make him realize what he is missing and realizing you need to focus on yourself a little bit more. Or at least there is for me – with the first you just do it on your own, and in the second you actually communicate what is going on, and how you feel. I think mind games are a bad idea – I mean, at some point you need to stop playing them then what? They also just make the relationship kind of not very authentic.

Post # 12
Member
46 posts
Newbee

Yes, MariaW is exactly right!

Although, I don’t know that you need to say, “Hey, this not-getting-married-yet situation is not great so I’m gonna throw myself into these other projects” as it could lead into a big, serious discussion and needn’t be as they really should not be related.

Sometimes, you don’t need his input or permission to do what you want. So, all you need to do is state a solution to a problem that isn’t really his to solve. Thus, “Hey, I miss/am interested in doing XYZ. I’m gonna do it!”

A separate discussion is, “Hey, I was thinking a June wedding would be nice! What were your thoughts?” And, similar to if you’d said “Hey, I was thinking a trip to ski in Aspen next spring would be nice! What were your thoughts?”, he needn’t have too much to add beyond “Hmm. Dunno. Seems ok but I need to think/research on it some more.” 

If you’ve already had the latter conversations, then you discuss it according to whatever timeframe you’re on, independent of focusing on you. The attitude should be, as many WaitingBees are doing, to get a hobby so that you can enjoy yourself rather than obsessing – or in this case, instead of making your relationship into a game.

 

/$.02

Post # 13
Member
1980 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

@MariaW:  I agree that “there is a distinction between pulling away to make him realize what he is missing and realizing you need to focus on yourself a little bit more.”

I would say my “pulling away” was really about focusing on myself and putting my needs first.  I am training for a half marathon, I flew across the country for a girls weekend that was long overdue, I did an 8 hour road trip to visit my sister- I did these things for me and they are important to me and make me happy and I realized these activities had become less frequent.  I did these things before SO and I started dating- why shouldn’t I keep doing them now? 

Plus when I got home from my girls weekend, I found flowers that SO left for me with a note about how he missed me while I was gone- that’s just a bonus ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 14
Member
1059 posts
Bumble bee

@HeartsandSparkles:  All that sounds so fun! You should totally keep doing them. I think the problem isn’t necessarily in doing them, but in doing them with an intention of teaching the other person a lesson because they aren’t doing what you want them to do, ie propose, or whatever. You sound like me – I realized I had kinda of given up ME, and focused on that once again. And boy do I feel like I’m in a healthier place, mentally.

Post # 15
Member
46 posts
Newbee

@HeartsandSparkles: Ok, now that you’ve clarified what and why you’re doing it, then I’m onboard with @MariaW. I would go about letting him know the distance isn’t due to an impending break-up by keeping in regular contact with him and giving him first dibs on your last minute time. “Movie tonight at 9? Ok!” “Skip the Girls Night Out I told you about a week ago? No.”

I actually had a time where I was trying to let my guy sleep in peace (he would be up till the wee hours of the morning and I had lil ones – we’d just moved in together). He thought I was excluding him from family outings. I was like “Killing the morning at the grocery store and McD’s is NOT family bonding – you’re not missing anything.” He was like, “Anytime with you and the kids IS an adventure and y’all are special to me, so I was hurt that I’d wake up to an empty house and that y’all left me out.” Awww! So, from my personal experience, it’s good that you are wanting to let him know what’s up.

g’Luck!

Post # 16
Member
152 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I always say if you plan to do this you need to be well aware of the slight chance he may just like the distance. Always a chance of these plots backfiring. 

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