(Closed) so hurt and confused

posted 4 years ago in Waiting
Post # 2
2600 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

bluemoonfairie51:  I’m so sorry that you’re ill and hope that you are cancer free soon.

The one thing in your story that stands out to me is that on the day you were diagnosed with cancer, your Fiance refused to cancel a gig to be with you.

I am going to assume he is not fronting a wildly successful, household name band and that his group instead plays small, inconsequential gigs at bars and such.  And he placed playing this show above being with you.

The relationship you have with him is completely on his terms. You do all the giving and compromising, he does all the taking and setting of terms. He gives you just enough good stuff to keep you coming back.  

In my opinion, your relationship is going nowhere and the longer you stay in it, the more you will be hurt and stressed neither of which is good for you. 

Move on.  Concentrate on your health and recovery.  

Again, I’m sorry and wish you a speedy recovery.

Post # 3
8446 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

i got diagnosed with cervical cancer, treatable, but I was frightened, I needed my man, unfortunately he was playing a gig that day and refused to be with me when i needed him

bluemoonfairie51:  This would’ve been enough for me to leave this guy.  It doesn’t sound like this guy is really making you a priority in his life.  If you’re okay with that, then fine; however, I personally wouldn’t be able to deal with a relationship like that.  Best of luck.

Post # 5
2347 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

bluemoonfairie51:  First of all, I’m sorry that you’re going through this.  You are young and taking all the proper steps and you WILL GET THROUGH THIS with flying colors!!!!!! 

As for your boyfriend, as much as it must hurt, please move on.  If he is not 100% ready to drop everything to be by your side at this difficult time in your life, then he’s not worth the dirt on your pretty little shoes.  I’m sorry to be rude, especially since I don’t know either of you, but I believe commited couples should be ready to do EVERYTHING for each other.  This should have been a no brainer.  The thought of you in any pain or discomfort should have made him drop everything to be by your side.  Please, you can do better for yourself. <3    

Post # 6
352 posts
Helper bee

It doesn’t sound like you guys want the same out of this relationship & he doesn’t seem to be too concerned about your health & well being. In this situation I say just walk. You’re going through chemo which is already so harsh on your body you don’t need the added stress, it’s not worth it sweety. Surround yourself with people who love you & spend time doing things you love to do. Sending you lots of positive energy & hope your cancer free soon *Big hug* 

Post # 7
9139 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

bluemoonfairie51:  Well you got your answer.  It sucks.  But at least you now know he doesn’t want to get married or have kids.  If you want to get married and/or have kids then he isn’t the man for you.

I married a guy just like him thinking he had changed his mind but three years of misery later he “remembered” he didn’t want to be married or have kids.  I should have listened to him the first time he told me he didn’t want to be married or have kids.

When a guy tells you something, listen.  If marriage and/or kids is important to you then you need to do what is best for you which is to end the relationship, grieve the lost time, and find someone else who actually wants to be married and have kids.  There are guys out there that do believe in marriage and actually want to have kids.  I know because my current husband was absolutely on board with both from Day 1.

Post # 8
2934 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 1996

To me, it sounds like you are throwing your love away on him – it’s being wasted because he does not love you in return. I am so sorry. He does not want to marry you, he does not value you (or your health under serious circumstances) over his band. He even has you thinking that *he* gets to decide what *you* are allowed to want from a relationship with him. This is really messed up. You are a wonderful person with so much love to give and there are men out there who would be crazy about you and be thrilled to ask you to marry them.

Post # 9
9790 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

What kind of relationship will it be if you’re sad and resentful about having to give up kids/marriage and he’s resentful he had to give up a band?? That’s insane. Sounds SO miserable. This is not the guy for you. He’s not there for you when you need him, and he doesn’t want to marry you after years. You need to cut him off cold and move on.

But before you move on to another guy-  you need to be in a healthy place with your mind body and heart. The mind body connection is so strong- stress and anxiety wreak havoc on your health and you cannot afford that now (and no one should ever). You need to cut your lifesucking heartbreaking toxic boyfriend out of your life and surround yourself with positive thoughts practices and people who will help heal you. I know heart break sucks but it happens to most all of us. And when you are happy and healthy and totally wiser from this experience  you will find a way better guy for you.


all my good luck and prayers. 

Post # 10
6173 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2009 - New York, NY

housebee:  This exactly

bluemoonfairie51:  I hope you get better very soon.  As painful as it is, your SO is not vested in this relationship; you two have different expectations an priorities and from here, it doesn’t look you have a future with him.  I would definitely walk away.

Post # 11
9790 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

Also a little more tough love: if this is your dream guy you need to dream better. A good marriage is not made by picking the cool bro in a band and other superficial attributes, it’s made by picking someone by what matters: their devotion to you, their character, their personality especially in hard times.

Post # 12
330 posts
Helper bee

bluemoonfairie51:  Im sorry that your sick and going through this at the same time. I want to start off by saying this is a personal decision and only you know what is truly in your heart. From the above, you want to stay with him, you want to fight for him, you WANT HIM. The question now becomes do you want someone who doesnt want you in the same way you want him. The not canceling his gig thing, like other PPs said, I would not have been able to get past that. But you are a better person than I am and you did and that’s great. You said you have given him a second chance but by the looks of things, you have given him multiple chances to be there for you through your first round of chemo, and now you second round and still you say you are going through this alone. That my dear isnt someone who loves you! you should never have to go through that alone.

You are completely in love with this guy and this is evident when you say that you are worried that you die and he will regret it. Stop worrying about him. You are the one who is sick and he cant cancel a damn gig. he doesnt deserve your love, your worry or you patience. Should you wait? Honestly thats something that only you can answer. But he doesnt want kids or marriage which is something that you want and shouldnt have to sacrifice without committment. he doesnt want to be with anyone, and if he does it would be you?? You shouldnt be someone’s “if i choose to.” Should you walk away?? He already has. Dont chase behind him.<br /><br />

Post # 13
1420 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014 - Turf Valley

I hope you have a good recovery.  Stay strong!

I think the story you told about what you thought was your engagement didn’t sound like a proposal at all.  I don’t know whether it was you misreading the situation or he led you on.  Who knows.  Either way, I’m sorry to hear that communication went down the tubes there.

I agree with PP’s that even though your cancer is treatable, it is a huge emotional challenge.  You should not have had to ask him to cancel a show to be with you.  He should have done it!  I can understand if it was a long-time obligation and he was going to be getting some good money out of it, but he should have at the very least, been with you before & after.  You mentioned spending most of your treatments alone.  It’s hard for anyone to be there for all treatments (My dad couldn’t be with my mom every time), but I sure hope he was there for as many as he could have been.  

If he is not being supportive of you when you are at your lowest moment, he does not deserve you at your highest moment.

Stay strong.  Be positive.  That is how you’re going to get through this.  

Post # 14
1459 posts
Bumble bee

I’m sorry if I sound harsh, but you are accepting crumbs from this man — hoping that if you do the “right” thing and stay within HIS “guidelines” than maybe he’ll love you in return for being so “perfect.”

Unfortunately, life does not work this way and if you keep behaving the way you are now — like you have lower status than him and willing to accept all of his mistreatment and begging him to give you the love and commitment you desire —- you will push this guy away even more.  

Instead of focusing on what you could do to win him back, I would highly recommend ignoring him completely and putting 110% of your focus on YOUR life, on healing and getting better, and doing whatever you can to find your passion in life and what makes you come alive — OUTSIDE of this relationship.  You need to STOP having your life revolve around him and his desires.  If you did not want to be married at first but then changed your mind, you need to accept responsibility for this and the fact that perhaps you had neglected your inner needs.  You have to STOP putting the blame and responsibility on your SO that he was the one who “made” you want to be married because of his words.  Most guys will always “future talk” and build “castles in the sky” with their flowery statements and will come across like they are asking for commitment — when in fact they were just venting what was in their head right in the moment and it actually did not mean anything.

Post # 15
1229 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013


…i got diagnosed with cervical cancer, treatable, but I was frightened, I needed my man, unfortunately he was playing a gig that day and refused to be with me when i needed him…

…I asked him if we did have a relationship again what am I allowed to want…

…I asked if I had to give up kids and marriage would he give up his band for me, its not that I dont like them, they get in the way right now when I need him, he said no, that he thinks he should be able to have band and a relationship with me…


Are. You. Shitting. Me.

This man is not life-partner or dream-man potential, my dear. I am so sorry that you wasted any of your time with him, but I think you are better off without someone who makes you feel this way, especially during such a difficult moment in your life. Sending you positive and healing thoughts.

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