(Closed) So hurt by SIL and BIL

posted 10 years ago in Emotional
Post # 4
5165 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

I would have been bothered by this isf the party was solely for him (the twin). but since it was for your  husband as well, I really wouldnt allow myself to be stressed out by his twin brother who didnt want to stay to the end of the party. Now you know thats how they are and next time you shouldnt bother making them feel included, but I dont think you have to start an argument with the twin or his wife over it, because to me thats just petty 

Post # 5
281 posts
Helper bee

@rljohnso14:  I’m sure you will get over this with time, and hopefully your SIL will one day grow a caring bone in her body.. I understand why you would feel upset about all your hard work being thrown out the window because she needed help on her school work. I find it ridiculous that they had to leave HIS party so that HE could help HER with HER school work.. on a saturday… after they had known about it for weeks.

In all honesty, in Medical School they would give random extra things to do unexpectedly over the weekend, maybe that is whats going on? Still though, it seems like common courtousy excaped her and always will (and why did he have to help her with her stuff, for her program, on his birthday?). 

Anyway, have you talked to your Brother-In-Law about his wife and how her actions make you feel distant and unwanted? I think that maybe she is unaware of her actions coming off so harsh. Its worth a shot I think! Sometimes you just need to let them know that they are hurting your feelings and most of the time they will work on it.


Post # 6
1875 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I don’t know what else they have done, but for this particular incident, I think you just need to let it go.  I understand being frustrated that you put in all this time and effort to plan a nice party and he couldn’t stay, but homework trumps party – sorry.  When I was in college, I know I had to skip parties and other events (even those I knew about way in advanced and even those on a Saturday night) because I had homework or needed to study.  It sucks but that’s just how it is.  I know it’s not his homework, but it sounds like they had a deal worked out where he’d help her.  Also, I wouldn’t take it personally that she didn’t seem like she wanted to be there.  She was probably really stressed and all she could think about was how much work she had to get done.  I don’t think it’s a slap in the face, they just really had other important stuff to do.

Post # 7
619 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

Hmm, I think you may have to let this go. It sounds like your SIL is introverted maybe to the point of coming across cold and standoffish. You can’t force someone to be warm and friendly towards you, so the best thing to do is not take it personally and just let her do her own thing.

There may just be a misunderstanding here, that they thought the party was mostly for your husband and that they could just drop in and say hi. While from your perspective, it should have been a big deal to both twins. Neither of you is wrong; you just have your own perspectives on the situation and what was expected of you.

I think you just have to live your life and not expect anything out of your SIL. If she eventually warms up to you then great, but at least you will manage your own expectations so that you don’t get disappointed again.

Post # 8
30400 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I would work on getting over letting this woman, (who is clearly not someone you would want as a friend anyhow) push your buttons.

Everyone who was at that party will already know how disrespectful and unappreciative she was.

Post # 9
367 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Sounds like even if she were your friend she would be a toxic one. I would not try anymore, it’s seems to not be worth it and she seems totaly not interested. 

Post # 10
818 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

You should have went on and enjoyed the night to the fullest with your husband. Although it was both of their party – he left. So, I would have spent the rest of the night making sure my husband was enjoying himself. Good you spoke up for yourself and told the brother how you feel, if he apologized then that is all you can do ….


seems like he isn’t really a major problem, but the wife is the pull here. You have no idea what that man is going through at home with that woman… it may have taken teeth and nails to even get out of the door to make it there that hour and a half late. Then she may have said and I don’t want to be there long…. honestly, he didn’t have a good birthday either if his selfish wife took over everything and made him leave his own party to go home and do her homework. —- He could honestly be sorry. Now you know for future references…. you can have something for your husband, but as for this guy and his wife….. um, at your own risk.

It is clear you want a relationship, but it is also clear THEY do not. So, stop trying. A relationship can only work between the two of you if both parties want it – – – you want it, they don’t!!!! So, back up, enjoy your life, and pray foryour brother in law… he has to live with her.

Post # 11
7528 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

I can understand your feeling hurt by this behavior.  However, your Brother-In-Law is most likely between a rock and a hard place in this situation.  Your SIL comes across as being a somewhat selfish and immature person.  You can be the bigger person in this relationship dynamic and choose to not let what she does bother you.  Rise above it.  Honestly, that will get her goat more than anything else you could ever do, lol.  Next time you see her, be as nice and kind as you can possibly be.  Don’t take anything personally she does or says, just ignore it.  This is her issue – she doesn’t sound like a happy camper to me.  But don’t let her make you miserable right along with her.  Life is too short, it isn’t worth it.  Empower yourself and learn to brush it off.

Post # 12
2357 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

I would just focus on your husband– to play devil’s advocate, perhaps the SIL wanted to spend her husband’s birthday with him? It might not have been what she would have planned or wanted– imagine if someone else planned a birthday party for your husband?

Post # 13
3389 posts
Sugar bee

I think next time invite him alone without her. It probably will not happen (him coming alone) but it’s worth a try!

Post # 14
908 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Maybe she has a hard time functioning in social situations.  My sister has social anxiety and she comes across as a bitch but really she is uncomfortable in social situation.  She is a very private person and really does not like meeting new people becasue it causes her to feel anxiety. 

I would just leave her alone and not take her actions personally.


Post # 15
3572 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I am not an overly warm person and I am shy in social situations so I’m pretty sure I’ve come across like your SIL on more than one occasion. I think you just have to accept that this is her personality and stop giving her opportunities to disappoint you. You can’t be close with everyone and it just sounds like you two aren’t a good fit.

Post # 16
1311 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

Since I don’t know what else she’s done to you, I can’t judge on that. BUT, coming from somebody in grad school, I will say that, Saturday night or not, if I have things to get done, they need to get done above all else. Things pop up. Assignments, reading material, suddenly you thought you understood something and now you DON’T. It’s very stressfull. I’m surprised they showed up at all.

You ask why he had to help her with her homework on Saturday night, before the party, on his birthday. He didn’t HAVE to, but keep in mind he most likely loves his wife and wants to help her succeed, which trumps parties, too.

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