(Closed) So hurt. In a long distance relationship. DH with webcam girls. Advice please.

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 46
Member
925 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

OP… update? 

Post # 48
Member
56 posts
Worker bee

BeeAnon1434:  /: I’m so sorry that you have to go through this!!! I can’t believe your husband would do such a thing and get mad at you! Yes calm down… And when your ready you can update us…. 

Post # 49
Member
2680 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

BeeAnon1434:  I know most people are going to focus on whether or not web cam stuff constituted cheating. But, for me, the biggest issue I would have is that he is wasting money on this stupidity! Particularly, since based on your post, his current job situation is not the best.

Post # 50
Member
561 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

WestCoastV:  this would also be the big problem for me.  that and just keeping it from me.  I think I could view cam girls as porn as long as he told me he did it and was open and honest.  when it’s hidden I feel like he doesn’t trust me, and doesn’t think what he’s doing is appropriate which worries ME.

 

I’ve had conversations about this in the past.  If he goes to a strip club, I want him to tell me.  If he’s looking at porn I don’t want him hiding it and deleting it like a teenage boy.  If he is spending money on porn i want him to tell me and if it’s a LOT of money I’d be pretty pissed.

I’ve only had an issue with a paid porn site.  I was pissed because he didn’t tell me he was a member.  he didn’t understand why I cared and frankly I didn’t either.  we parsed it out and it came down to me being pissed about the money, lol.  

Post # 51
Member
1017 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

Oh no I am so sorry.  I don’t know if this is good advice or the right thing to do.. But since you probably won’t figure all this out before you go back to work… I would be going to my bank immediately and opening up my own private chequing account and directing my pay to that account going forward.  I would also deactivate any joint credit cards because I sure wouldn’t want my SO spending my money on anything after this.  If you are paying mortgage from a joint account it’s easy to transfer the needed amount.  i don’t need to know your private financial arrangements but in my case this is what I would do.  Maybe it’s a terrible idea but I would be so furious if he reacted how your husband did and left me alone  

Post # 52
Member
709 posts
Busy bee

BeeAnon1434:  So sorry to hear that. Sending hugs your way

Post # 53
Member
2680 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

audrey_lane:  agreed. The dishonesty and secretive behavior would also be a major issue for me. I am ok with a lot of things, but lying is not one of them!

Post # 54
Member
3081 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

BeeAnon1434:  O no, I am so sorry it went poorly. In no way am I excusing anything he’s done, but oftentimes men (and women) turn defensive and try to flip the tables when confronted with something they feel guilty about or know they did wrong. He may think it through and become a little more reasonable, or he may not. 

With that said, I don’t know how long you have at home (or if you are still physically in your home) before you head back overseas, but be smart about using it to your advantage. First, make sure you are safe (not that you’ve given an indication otherwise, but still). And it would be smart to prepare for the worst by transferring bank accounts, ensuring that only agreed upon expenses can be drawn from shared (or your) money, making sure your important belongings are somewhere safe for when you go away again, etc.

Chin up, and do not feel like a fool. He’s the fool in this situation. 

Post # 55
Member
318 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Sorry, all, this one was a glitchy duplicate. Deleted bc of the below. 

Post # 56
Member
2691 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

BeeAnon1434:  This is such a hard situation.. my heart goes out to you! *hugs*

Post # 57
Member
318 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

BeeAnon1434:  So, so sorry, Bee! I don’t know exactly how the argument went, but the fact that he wasn’t profusely apologetic and seems to have gotten defensive sucks so much and makes this more complicated then it already was 🙁 I too would be livid about both, but as PP’s stated, probably even more so the financial aspect. It’s one thing to keep busy when you are gone in maybe slightly more taboo ways than normal, of course not cheating — which is defined diff for diff couples, but spending money on them when there are plenty of free porn movies, while YOU are away working hard is terrible. I would feel unappreciated and taken advantage of. 

I am really hoping he was simply ashamed/surprised he got caught and is back now apologizing and you guys are talking/working through it.  I’m so sorry again, OP, and hopefully your update will be therapeutic when you rewrite it out and get it off your chest (that sort of thing usually helps me sort through things). Best of luck and sending healing vibes your way. 

Post # 58
Member
1720 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

No advice that hasn’t been said, just dropping by to give some bee hugs. 

Post # 59
Member
2969 posts
Sugar bee

BeeAnon1434:  

I am so sorry that you are in this position and then left alone by yourself.  You do not deserve this.

Let’s be quite clear.  You have done nothing wrong.  You found everything accidentally and you are quite rightly shocked and angry.  You weren’t snooping and anyway he should have nothing to hide.

He has everything to apologize for and be embarassed about.  He should be thoroughly ashamed of himself.  He should be apologizing to you profusely. 

In the meantime try to keep yourself together.  Is there a friend or family member you could ring for support?

 

Post # 60
Member
1119 posts
Bumble bee

BeeAnon1434:  I’m sooo sorry! I absolutely consider 1:1 cam interaction cheating! He knew it was wrong while doing it. And to only talk to you on the phone twice a week and a few mins on Skype yet spending hours on webcam with women he doesn’t even know?!!! you have every right to be mad don’t let him twist it on you. That’s the first thing Men that are good at lying do, they turn it on you and make you feel like its your fault they did it. This is just one thing that could lead into another if he cant go a few months without you he may be hitting up others you need to investigate further. Hope you come back with a good update op sorry again 🙁

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