Post # 1
Member
5 posts
Newbee
Hi all… I’ve been a lurker for a while, so excited to turn from a waiting bee to an engaged bee. So it pains me to have this be my first post, but I’m just so upset and I don’t know who to talk to…
My BF and I have been dating for 4 years. We had gone ring shopping earlier this year, and BF has picked out what I’m sure will be a gorgeous sparkly ring for me. Like I’m sure many other’s have been though, I have been enduing the pain of “So where’s the rock already?” and “You’ve been dating forever, what’s the problem?” for a while, but with a light at the end of the tunnel… I know he is planning something special for a proposal sometime soon, but I don’t know exactly when (but most likely sometime in the next month).
Earlier this week though, my excitement took a blow when I learned that BF’s younger brother (by about 3 years) will be proposing to his Girlfriend this weekend. They have been together a little over a year (which for me would not be enough time to consider marriage, but that it just a personal choice). I was a little shocked, as this is the first time either BF or his family has heard him talk about proposing. But the part that really hurt me was that I overheard my BF telling his dad how annoyed he is at his brother… apparently he had told his proprosal plans to his brother (along with the rest of his family) two months ago, but his brother completely disregarded this and decided that NOW, right before we plan to get engaged, is the perfect time to pop the question. I know his parents have been in fights about it, as one of them thinks what he is doing is horribly unthoughtful to us.
I just feel like something is purposely trying to be taken away from us, and I feel specifically targeted. My dad passed away years ago and I am not very close with my family. One of the parts of getting engaged that I was most looking forward to was telling his family, since I adore them – I just don’t think my own family will be very excited for me… and even though I am sure his family will be excited, I feel like now we’re just going to be the “second act”. Did BF’s brother purposely choose now to get engaged to steal our “proposal thunder”? Why did he not consult my BF on his thoughts on this knowing his plans? Is he trying to one-up us, or undermine BF’s proposal? Is it always going to be like this, with BF’s brother always trying to get to those major milestones in life ahead of us? Does he just simply not care how we feel?
I hate feeling this way. I have started harboring major resentments and do not want to be around his brother. We have plans with his family this weekend where I expect the proposal to be “announced”, and I am seriously considering stayinh home so I’m not visibly upset on the GF’s day – I don’t blame her since she doesn’t know about the upcoming proposal and don’t want to ruin it for her. I also fear that when BF and I do get engaged, there will be an unspoken (or maybe spoken, who knows?) competition about engagement/wedding events… I just don’t want to start off a life in BF’s family feeling like this. I would love to just “get over it”, but that’s not the kind of person I am…
I know I probably sound petty and ridiculous and crazy. I’m just really so hurt that BF’s brother would out of nowhere decide on a proposal when he knows full well my BF is planning one soon. Ugh. Anyways, I just needed to get this out and would love to hear any comments/advice (even if it’s just to tell me I’m being a silly girl and I’m totally over thinking this). Thanks for listening.
Post # 4
Member
2874 posts
Sugar bee
well i dont see why he should wait for an unspecified date “sometime soon”….he loves his gf and wants to marry her. his argument is probably that if your boyfriend didnt want people to propose before him…shouldnt have waited so long
also – seriously, your thunder? what thunder? you get a congratulations and thats it. nobody else is as excited as you will be =)
Post # 3
Member
831 posts
Busy bee
They will still be excited for you.
I know you know this, but you can’t control other’s actions. His brother has every right to get engaged when he wants to. Yeah, I see your point, and I’d be miffed too, but this person is going to be family – you need to let go of the resentment.
Focus on the good stuff – you are getting engaged! This is awesome! Don’t let these negative feelings ruin it for you.
Post # 5
Member
857 posts
Busy bee
I’m sorry to hear you’re upset and frustrated. It sucks. However, each relationship is different, and everyone goes on on their own timeline. Wouldn’t you feel hurt if your SO delayed your proposal because of someone close to you getting engaged?
You can’t expect anyone to do anything but what is right for them. When your propsal comes, everyone will be just as happy and excited for you as they would be, regardess of any sibling proposals.
Be happy for them! Stop stressing, relax and know your time will come – even if it is near to their engagement.
Post # 6
Member
1019 posts
Bumble bee
I say be happy for them… if anything, if your SO proposes after then… you get the NEW spotlight. I think if it had been the other way around you likely still would have been annoyed (like if you got engaged then they got engaged shortly after)….
How long do you think would be an appropriate time? a month before you get engaged? a month after? I don’t think they should have to wait if the time felt right for them, the families will stil be happy for you
Post # 7
Member
3175 posts
Sugar bee
Hm, generally I would say that people don’t need to schedule important life events around you (and I still believe this), though, I admit, in this scenario, I would be *slightly* annoyed, as it seems like his brother is rushing to “beat” your BF. Honestly, though, in the grand scheme of things, you need to just take a deep breath & let it go. His family will still be happy for you, and it sounds like they are slightly upset about the situation, too, which means they will be even more careful to give you guys the congratulations & support in your wedding planning. Families have the capacity to be excited for 2 children at once, so don’t worry about it! And please don’t stress about comparing your weddings. It’s human to feel that way occasionally, but, after your wedding, it will seem so silly and trivial to have wasted energy worrying about it.
Congratulations on your upcoming proposal!
Post # 9
Member
1334 posts
Bumble bee
- Wedding: May 2013 - Kempinski San Lawrenz, Gozo
first of all, welcome to wedding bee!
now about this “proposal thunder” issue…i truly think you’re overreacting for a number of reasons:
1) if his brother loves his gf I think all he needs to wait for is for THEM to be ready. no one else. I doubt he’s taking a major life decision just to piss you off. Also, a proposal is something personal, he has every right not to “consult” with your SO.
2) I’ve never heard of “proposal thunder” before. Isn’t it enough to have all eyes and attention on you on your wedding day?
3) you don’t need everyone to be excited for you. If you and Fiance are excited you’re going to spend the rest of your life together, that’s all you need.
I do hope you and your SO will find it in your heart to be happy for your brother. Soon, all four of you will be getting married, and no one deserves to be less happy than the other. Take this opportunity to bond with his family, not tear you apart.
Post # 10
Member
1652 posts
Bumble bee
OP, sorry you feel like this and I completely understand. I’d be upset too. They sound like they are rushing into things a bit. I’m sure your proposal and engagement and wedding will be just as special and exciting, if not more, and even more exciting after waiting longer! 🙂
Post # 11
Member
13946 posts
Honey Beekeeper
Try not to stress over it. Your family will still be excited for you when your proposal comes along! It’s unfair to ask your brother to wait because your SO may be thinking of proposing in an undefined future time.
Post # 12
Member
11735 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
Sorry but I don’t see how he stole your thunder when there’s been no thunder to steal. Your bf didn’t tell him I’m proposing on X date and then he went and proposed that day or the day before. Regardless if he did, that’s his right to do so. You guys should be happy for him and his Fiance, as I’m sure they will be happy for you guys. This sounds more like you are upset you’re not engaged yet (after 4 years) but they are after 1 year. Everyone’s relationships move at different speeds, and you will have your special moment soon enough.
Post # 13
Member
2051 posts
Buzzing bee
I’d be upset too! When my Fiance and I were going out for a year and half and had started talking about getting engaged, my younger sister who had been dating her BF for 6 months got engaged. Even though she knew we were going to get engaged sometime soon! It was very upset at first, but in the end I was super happy for them.
My now-FI and I decided to postpone our engagement at least 6 months so they could have their ‘thunder’ and we could have ours too. They got married this summer and we are getting married next spring. Plenty of time in between weddings and everyone gets full attention to their wedding. So don’t worry, it’ll all work out in the end!
I’m not sure why siblings do this, but I really don’t think it is to be mean. I just think they are oblivious sometimes! Try your absolute best to take the high road and be happy for them. If you don’t think you can smile and congratulate them at their engagement announcement, I wouldn’t go. This will be your family now, and you don’t want to create ill-will.
Post # 14
Member
3885 posts
Honey bee
There is always plenty of “thunder” to go around. It’s not like your friends and family only have a limited amount of happiness to spread around, and it’s not like each of you don’t have friends that are just your own who won’t have to dip into their happiness budget too far.
Post # 15
Member
504 posts
Busy bee
I don’t think men overthink things like this. I doubt he is doing it to upset you. I think you should go and be happy for them, otherwise you will come off as a really selfish brat.
Be above it
Post # 16
Member
11324 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
While generally I don’t think there is much “thunder” to getting engaged and that no one needs to wait for anyone else’s timeline, given the fact that it was so well known what your BF was doing to the brother and that the brother knows that your bf/parents will be kind of upset about the timing, his choosing to trudge forward right now seems like kind of a dick move.
That being said, there really isn’t anything you can do about it. Accept that his brother was kind of a dick and try to just be happy about what you have going on in your life. Also, maybe take it as an opportunity to get closer to your future sister-in-law, if you think that you two are the type that could be friends. Since you aren’t close to your own family this might be a really good opportunity to get really close to a future family member. You can bond over planning and whatnot, since (as you said) it isn’t her fault that the brother picked this time.