Post # 1
So one of my friends got married this past summer. I was invited to the wedding, and then asked to be Maid of Honour after her sister was doing an awful job. I agreed and put it tons of work for it. Shortly after she asked me, I got engaged too. I was having a hard time picking my bridal Maid/Matron of Honor because I didn’t want to hurt my close friends by picking one and not the other, so I picked this friend since we’ve been friends since we were 4, and I figured it would be good. (In hindsight, I should have waited and really thought about what I wanted in my bridal party). Anyways, I put in a lot of work for her wedding and bridal shower and what not, and ended up being treated pretty badly by her and her family.To top it all off, the night before the wedding she told me she wanted her sister to sign the certificate instead of me. The wedding day we got along very well, but it felt reallt awkward because I harboured resentment. I didn’t speak with her about it because I really didn’t want to upset her around her wedding day. That was two months ago, and I’ve barely heard from her since. I’ve tried contacting her just like making conversation but she doesn’t make an effort to talk to me really or text me back. I’ve made a group for all the bridesmaids and me to talk about ideas and bachelorette parties and everything, and she’s the only one who isn’t contributing. It’s just upsetting because my closer friends are so eager to be involved, and ideally that’s what I wanted my Maid/Matron of Honor to be like.
For the last month I’ve been going back and forth about changing my MoH. The last thing I ever want to do is hurt her, it makes me cry just thinking about it. But I just can’t see this ending well when I’m still feeling resentful and she isn’t returning my attempts to communicate. I just don’t know how much longer I can suppress my emotions. I wondered if it’s better to change earlier rather than later.
And before you comment, PLEASE be kind. Remember there is someone on the other side of the screen. I am coming here genuinely for help and advice. 🙁
Post # 2
- Wedding: February 2015 - Chapel on Base
I would go out of my way to speak with her and voice your concerns. Maybe she would like to resign and doesn’t know how. If she isn’t available to speak about I guess you have to weigh out your options. I do feel you should do something soon before any ill feelings development.
Post # 3
rbhs117: Eek, this sounds like a tricky one. It seems like she’s not the most considerate friend, but that you do want to keep her in your life, which will require a certain amount of delicacy.
One thing I had in mind as I was reading your post was that there’s a bit of a come down after your own wedding is over (like, after such an amazing day and time, it’s a little bit sad for it to be finished) so do you think it might be difficult for her to be thinking about someone elses wedding so soon after her own? The reason I mention this is because there’s a chance that with a little more time, things may actually change a little.
I agree with the PP – before you make any big decisions, your first port of call should be to do everything you can to have a catch up with her and talk honestly and openly about everything.
At the end of the day, a wedding is meant to be a happy time so if this is going to cause you distress, you need to change your bridal party. That said, if you do make a change, there is quite a high chance that your friendship will not recover.
Try to get in touch again, maybe give it a bit more time, then think very carefully about what’s most important to you. Wishing you the very best of luck!
Post # 4
Miss_Mae: thanks so much for your advice. I guess what’s hard is that I haven’t even talked about the wedding via text, like ive just said hey how are you, how have things been haven’t talked to you in a while, and she’s only replied once but doesn’t really make an effort to keep a conversation going and never like reaches out to me just as a friend. I think you are right tho, it’s distressing me a lot. It even distressed me when the stuff started happening with her wedding and it hasn’t gone away. I think the thing that holds me back is i have a problem with guilt, I feel it immensely even when peoole around me( and my therapist) says I shouldnt. So it will be challenging but probably the best thing to talk with her about this.
Post # 5
angyjaxon: thank you for your advice. It is incredibly helpful. I think I have decided that if it goes another month and I don’t hear from her and she isn’t contributing, that I will simply ask if she is still wanting to take part, and that I completely understand if not. And.. I would tell her the reasons why I get the feeling of that. I hadn’t even thought about just asking her if shes still wanting to take part, and i was stressing about having to say like “you’re cut” type of thing.
Post # 6
rbhs117: Yeah, I definitely hear what you are saying. I would take it one step at a time, since your wedding isn’t super close. I know it’s nice to get these things sorted as quickly as possible when they are weighing on you, but I think this is a situation where it’s important to keep an open mind until you’ve had a heart to heart with her.
If you’re able to set up a face to face meeting with her sometime over lunch or coffee (easier said than done sometimes, I know!), hopefully you will be able to just say to her that you’re getting excited about your own wedding and your girls are getting involved with planning the activities etc. See how she responds – if she’s friendly and things seem good, maybe just leave it there and see how the next month etc. goes. Alternatively, if it feels lukewarm, maybe just ask her out right (in a nice way, it doesn’t have to be a really big deal) if given she’s just finished with all of her own planning, if she would prefer to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man without Maid/Matron of Honor duties, or even attend as a guest. This is all, of course, assuming that if she is friendly and responsive, that you think you can get past what happened when you were in her wedding, and would still like to have her be a part of yours.
I guess the one thing I’m really thinking here is that I think it is worth giving her a bit more time and another chance to get involved, as she may not even realise there is an issue for you at this stage. Perhaps talking to your therapist about how you can express your feelings to her in a constructive way might give you the added confidence to have the talk without feeling guilty about any of it? I know I sometimes find it difficult to select the best words to represent what I’m trying to say, so it can be helpful to have a game plan.