(Closed) So I have this friend…

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Hostess
10353 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2014 - Chicago, IL

If it were me, I would tell her. I would feel guilty if I didn’t, like it would have saved her some grief and/or wasted time. But, from my experience, you’re right in that even if you do tell her, she probably won’t believe it until she lives through it. It sucks for her, but other than being there for her when she needs you, there’s not much you can do :/

Post # 3
Member
3028 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

I would just be honest with my concerns and what the man told you. I would fee heartbroken to hear a good friend kept something from me even if they thought it wasn’t their place. I would want to know. 

She may be mad or upset because who wouldn’t be…I would just ask her about how it seems strange that he never takes her out in public or to his family. Talk it out. If she wants some space then give her some but remind her of your intentions with bringing the info. You don’t have to talk badly about him but just reiterate that you want to make sure she’s not getting taken advantage of.

 

good luck.

Post # 4
Member
1806 posts
Buzzing bee

Unfortunately, I don’t think there is much you can say. Why? Because she won’t believe it. She is firmly entrenched in his life and sees her situation as permanent; she won’t WANT to believe any naysayers…not even a friend. She’ll likely rationalize it or even say the guy who told you doesn’t know what he’s talking about…all to maintain her position in his life.

She might go so far as to “defriend” you because you brought news that threatened her sanctuary.

My experience is that when a guy doesn’t want to get married/commit, a blissfully ignorant woman has to come to this conclusion on her own. It might not be a bad idea to let her know what you were told (gently and briefly) and indicate you are concerned/don’t want her wasting her time. But I would approach it carefully then leave it alone after she’s heard the news. I’d be there for her as a friend. This sounds like it won’t last and she’ll need your support.

Post # 5
Member
157 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

View original reply
concernedfuturewife:  Please tell her. You could have written this letter about me when I was of a similar age, this story is quite similar to what I went through. She may not want to believe you at first, I didn’t when my friend told me, but soon after I realized she was right and I appreciate her being a good friend and telling me.

My Fiance is such a better fit for me than that other guy was, so it all ended up well for me and hopefully will for your friend, also. 🙂

Post # 6
Member
9388 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2016

I’d tell her the whole truth.  i.e. “so Matt pulled me over the other day at the bar and told me that your BF never plans on marrying you, that he wants do travel the US, etc..” Like I’d tell her as close to verbatim whatever Matt told you.  That way you’re just passing it along, and not putting any of your own opinion or weight on Matt’s words.  Tell her precisely how inebriated Matt was (if he was at all) and if she asks your opinion, let her know that you’re not sure what to think.. maybe Matt is just trying to cause shit, maybe he’s just upset with her BF for stringing her along and it’s the truth… you have no idea.

Also, if Matt gets mad at you for not keeping it a secret, you can just look at him like ??? and ask him what he thought would happen when he said that sort of shit to you about your BFF’s uber long term relationship.  My bet is he told you because he WANTS your friend to find out, and doesn’t want to be the messenger.

Post # 7
Member
2729 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

View original reply
amanda1988:  100% Matt told you (her best friend) because he wants her to know but doesn’t want to break “bro code” by telling her himself.

You absolutely need to tell her. Even if she doesn’t believe you. Even if she gets mad at you and somehow thinks you’re lying to sabotage their relationship. Even if nothing comes of it or you two end up not being friends. It is still your responsibility, as her sister from another mister, to tell her what you heard. I’m guessing she’d appreciate it more than anything but if she doesn’t, at least you did the right thing.

P.S. that guy is a jerk. Planning to pick up and move cross country without telling his decade-long girlfriend? What a dirtbag.

Post # 8
Member
1650 posts
Bumble bee

This should cause some turmoil if you tell her.  Ugh, think about it long and hard before doing so. 

Post # 9
Member
9560 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

first jewish doesn’t always equal kosher.  (i’m jewish, i’m not kosher. i love bacon!)  does the bf keep kosher? or is she just doing this to try to get on his good side. 

back to the situation.  this is a really a he said she said.  you don’t know if the friend is really telling the truth.  your friend, after 7+ years, should be confortable having a discussion with her bf.  maybe she is happy where she is.  you can ask her, but don’t be confrontational about it.

 

Post # 10
Member
3459 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

View original reply
concernedfuturewife:  I would tell her and I would be as specific as possible. And I wouldn’t forget to name names. This isn’t idle gossip. This is life-changing information. And if you want your friend to take it seriously, you can’t be all “I heard through the grapevine, that so-and-so said such-and-such to thus-and-so.” I’d text/email the friend, tell her that I need to speak to her alone about something very important. Then I’d sit her down, preface with some quick examples of what good friends you are and how you have no reason not to want the best for her. Then I’d say word-for-word what Matt said (without adding any of my own words). Then I’d ask if she wanted to talk about it any further. And if not, I’d change the subject. My work is done.

ETA: on second thought; before ripping off the bandaid, I’d say that I recently learned some information that caused me to develop a very negative view of her boyfriend and that I think she deserves to know it as well. Then I’d ask if she wants to hear it. If she says no, then I’d let it go. My work is still done.

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 3 months ago by  Overjoyed.
Post # 11
Member
332 posts
Helper bee

I would  tell her about it, but not tell her what to do. IF she calls you a liar just take it and don’t mention it again. . Like what other people have stated perviously she might not believe you. Why did I state this? because I was in an emotional abusive relationship on and off for four years and when my friends and family told me I didn’t believe anyone. Did i know? Of course I did. I even blogged about it but a part of me just refused to believe it, call it imature, ignorant. I even thought we were getting married. I actually lost a lot of friends cause of my ex, I use to defend him. With my friends’ pressures I actually turned even more towards him and against them. Trust me somewhere deep inside of her she knows, she is just in denial. It is not hard to figure out and read body languages. You can tell her but I wouldn’t pressure her. She has to learn on her own. The best thing my bff ever did for me was be there for me when I was ready to leave and guided me all the way. She never pressured me once and let me walk on my own but ready to catch me when i fall. 

A good friend won’t tell another friend or pressure them to do what they think it is right or good for their friend but rather stand by that person when they need them to. 

Post # 12
Member
267 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

I think you need to tell her what you know, but you want to make sure you don’t sound like you are jumping to conclusions or judging her at all.  So I would say something like “Listen, Matt told me something really crazy about BF that definitely doesn’t line up with what you have told me about BF. I would not feel right keeping this from you so I want you to know what he said.”  

I would not mention anything about their not being in public together – it could come across as being judgmental. 

 

 I would not say anything about not seeing them in public together because that could come across as judgmental.

Post # 13
Member
558 posts
Busy bee

Dude, tell her. Sing like a canary. If she doesn’t believe you, your friendship should still be in tact. I wouldn’t say you view her bf negatively, just what you heard. Drop the mic then let it marinate.

Post # 14
Member
527 posts
Busy bee

It’s not going to be any cakewalk, but I’d tell her. I would feel so guilty if I didn’t say anything and then later watched the prophecy come true before my eyes knowing that I might have been able to spare her some emotional pain if I’d just said something. 

Post # 15
Member
640 posts
Busy bee

If I was your friend, I would want to know if my long-term boyfriend had no intention on marrying me and planned on leaving town without telling me.

My friends have always been very honest with me.  With the last guy I was dating, I asked my best friend for her opinion on him and she said she didn’t think he was the right guy for me.  She was very upset because she thought I would be really mad at her, but I wasn’t and we had a long talk about what specifically her problem was with him (this is when things were good between me and the guy BTW).  Turns out, she was exactly right in her judgment – I couldn’t see it at the time because I was blinded by my own feelings.

Could you approach your friend and ask her where she thinks the relationship is going?  That will get the ball rolling, then you can tell her what Matt said.  Make it clear that you’re there for her no matter what she decides to do but as her friend, you care about her and that’s why you’re telling her this important information.  I could see how she wouldn’t believe you and could drive a wedge between you two, but hopefully that won’t be the case and she’ll realize that you’re just looking out for her.

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