(Closed) So I was at a wedding yesterday and there were a few things… Am I crazy?

posted 5 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 92
Member
966 posts
Busy bee

Sorry to say this but this your fiances fault. If I’m commited to somebody not only would I defend the person but if my so/fi/dh was excluded from family events/functions/activities then I would decline but if the bahavor continues then I would question the relationship that I have with my family who would treat my special someone like crap. It’s one thing to have seperate friendships outside your marriage but family relationships need to be joint. 

Post # 93
Member
1772 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

My FI’s parents were great to me and then flipped the script once we got engaged. They wanted to snub me, ignore me, call me “that girl,” and not allow me to the same gatherings that I’d been going to and invited to for the prior 2 years. My Fiance put his foot down. There isn’t a lot to talk about and there’s not tons of asking them anything. He said that he is only welcome where I am welcome and he won’t be going somewhere if I’m excluded. He said they couldnt treat me poorly or expect me to grovel and beg (for literally no reason). So they made their choice and neither me nor my Fiance has been over his parents house in quite a while. He would never let anybody treat me like your Fiance let his family treat you.

It doesn’t require causing a scene to be treated right. And he should have said- no, mom, let go. I am not going up there. I am not single. I am marrying courtneyashley and I will not disrespect her like that. Or he couldve at least walked away from her and the dance floor. He might not be assertive enough to stand up for you, your relationship, or your wedding. 

Post # 94
Member
1 posts
Wannabee

Courtneyashley, I am so sorry for the way you were treated, it is completely unacceptable. I randomly Googled something and came across this post; it truly made me cringe reading about the way you were treated by your fiancé’s family. I became a member just so I could leave a comment. I recently married and included my husband’s brother’s fiancé in the wedding photos and had her sitting at our table during dinner, and couldn’t imagine it any other way. We are not very close, but I like her and hope that we will become closer in the future. It is just a HUGE etiquette No-No to not include a fiancé in the wedding pictures, I mean they are basically family at that point! And sitting in a separate room leaving you to sit with whom exactly? I mean, I am just appalled at the lack of etiquette and poor planning on their part. I know that a lot of people on here have said that your fiancé should have stood up for you, I agree, but at the same time know that sometimes guys just don’t think about things like that. He probably didn’t realize what was going on as pictures were being taken, and wasn’t thinking about the fact that you weren’t in them. When he was told to sit at a table separate from you, he probably wondered why you weren’t there but then maybe figured it was some strange wedding rule. Guys really don’t know or understand a lot about the intricacies and etiquette of weddings, from my experience, they tend to just kind of go along with what they’re told and leave everything to the women! I don’t have a lot of advice for you, but I completely and whole-heartedly agree that you were mistreated at this wedding by your fiancé’s family. It is something that you will have to discuss with him and most likely his family as well. And when you get married, as tempting as it will feel to disinclude them from things, don’t do it. Don’t stoop to their level! Anyway, hang in there and good luck with your wedding, I’m sure it will be wonderful!

Post # 96
Member
719 posts
Busy bee

I would be upset if I encountered any situation where Fiance family didn’t treat me as a legitimate member of the family.

Post # 97
Member
951 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

I’d be more upset at the fiance if he treated me this way. I would have expected my own husband to leave the room and join me as I would have done for him.

Post # 98
Member
7000 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

Courtneyashley:  I’m a firm believer that when you “marry the man you marry the family”. I know that some people don’t agree with that, but I feel like if you are with someone who is even remotely close with their family that a marriage will suffer if even one party has a problem with the other. Sure, we all have moments where our in-laws might drive us a little crazy but at least have to like each other on some level. Obviously if your spouse is not close to their family it’s probably a non-issue, but if that relationship is there it’s a long road ahead. I personally could never marry a man whose family didn’t respect me, and who didn’t stand up for me. Probably not what you want to hear, or the most productive thing to say, but I believe in being realistic about situations. How will you spend the rest of your married life with a spouse who doesn’t stand up for you and a family that doesn’t repect you or treat you as a member of the family? That kind of stuff just blows my mind, my because my Mother-In-Law has treated me as part of the family since the beginning of even our dating relationship.

Post # 99
Member
8 posts
Newbee

If he can’t stand up to them now probably never will. U either have to change ur expectations or run. Sorry to say. But think it through. What if they treat ur future children like that? 

Post # 100
Member
36 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2016

aww sweety I would have cried to that’s horrible. I am in a similar position ( my future in laws like my Future Brother-In-Law girlfriend way more take her side pm everything treat me like crap it really sucks) idk how many times they have made me cry. Why are in laws so mean

Post # 101
Member
730 posts
Busy bee

Ok, you want advice, and it’s actually easy!

 

“He is always askin his family if I can…”<br />

 

This ends. He stops asking, now. It puts all the power in their hands and is disrespectful. From now on, he assumes you’re included and says “we would love to come to (whatever activity). If they protest, he says you’re engaged and if he’s coming, you are too, and that he hopes that you and they connect, but even if not they must respect this commitment and treat you decently. If you “arent allowed” to come, he makes it clear that he’s not coming. Boom. He sticks to this for a month and your problem is most likely solved forrver. He only needs to make it clear that he won’t be pushe around by them anymore. “Oh..fiance can’t eat with the rest of the family and the other fiances? I’m going to join her so that she doesn’t feel excluded – we’ll look forward to seeing you after the dinner.” He doesn’t storm out, he graciously delivers this line and leaves smoothly.

 

im a huge introvert but if my fam did this to my fiance there is no way in hell id go along with it. He must have your back.

Post # 102
Member
730 posts
Busy bee

The other fiancé’s were up there from the start. I didn’t see them until they were coming out of the room

 

you do realize that he knew you were being excluded the entire time and accepted it? That’s why they do this – because he is cool with it. He shouldn’t be. You are his family now and his first commitment. No storming out, but he should have politely mentioned that you were out there alone while the other fiances were not and that he was going to go be with you, and woukd look forward to seeing then after dinner.

 

please for your sake do not marry him without discussing this in counseling. You need a husband you can trust to have your back

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Post # 103
Member
730 posts
Busy bee

rachel85:  yup. exactly what you said (just read back). 100% agree

  • This reply was modified 5 years ago by  Nontra.
Post # 104
Member
2523 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

Usually engaged people do participate in the garter/bouquet toss.  They aren’t “single,” but they aren’t married either.  It is dumb (I didn’t even do either at my wedding), but that is how it is.  

I would be upset with the way your fiance and his family treated you.  

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