- 4 years ago
- Wedding: July 2015
Let me start by saying that I feel really awful to be in this position.. but felt it might be wortwhile to get some input from all of you since I keep spinning my wheels with this.
Long story short… I got engaged to my fiance this past summer after dating for about three years. He proposed in a wonderful, romantic way and I was over the moon the day of our engagement. We began looking at venues and booked the wedding a few weeks later, in August. Our wedding will be held in July 2015. Fast forward a few weeks after we booked the venue and the excitement of the engagement began to wear off, I started having serious doubts about our engagement and the prospect of marriage. So much so that I’ve stalled on moving forward with the wedding planning because something inside me keeps saying “don’t do it.” I have this image of getting pulled forward and digging my heels into the earth with all my might to stay put.
A little background on me… I’m 28 years old, successful attorney, attractive, well-rounded, outgoing, thoughtful, lots of friends. My fiance was only my second long-term boyfriend… I’ve done very little dating and haven’t been single for more than a few months since I was 20. My fiance is a great guy, treats me very well – very attentive and receptive when we’re together, he also holds a very good job and is successful, has great loyalty to his family and we are on the same page with our financial beliefs (relatively frugal) and desire for children.
When we are together we have fun – we laugh a lot and are very goofy. However, when we’re apart I feel surprisingly disconnected to him. Note this was not something I felt with my previous boyfriend, which concerns me. There are a few things that have stood out as issues to me as I think back through our relationship. I think many of these are re-surfacing again as I feel this anxiety about the future and more immediately, wedding planning.
He holds a different energy than me. While I’m very upbeat and mostly positive, he tends to be more even-keel or slightly negative and doesn’t take much initiaive in our relationship. We’ve gotten into many arguments about how he rarely initiaties activities, dates, etc. He doesn’t spend much time with friends nor holds many hobbies. This leads into another bigger issue of our differences in world view – I want to constantly improve myself, grow, explore, help others, travel. I feel that some of these concepts are lost on him. He’s very logical and doesn’t engage in any spirtiual pursuits, somewhat stuck in his ways and finds many people annoying/beneath him (though doesn’t outwardly communicate that). I don’t feel that he pushes me to grow and become a better person. Of course there are a handful of more trivial concerns I have — differences in our fitness levels (which I consider important for myself), appetite for social interaction, etc.
I started seeing a therapist once the anxiety kicked in, post venue-booking. I’ve struggled with bouts of anxiety and depression throughout my life but feel like I’ve been making strides in learning to fully love myself and enjoy my alone time within the past few months. In fact, I’m finding that oftentimes I’m enjoying doing things on my own or with my best girlfriends, rather than spending time with my fiance as he’s either glued to his work or wanting to relax in front of the TV. Many of my guy friends make comments how I’m one amazing catch and from an outside perspective it appears that I’m settling, which makes me feel even worse.
Part of me is torn… shouldn’t I be lucky to have such a successful, stable, loving fiance who will one day be a really great father? At 28 I’m not getting any younger and the dating pool is diminishing. Then again, I know that I’m a great person and deserve more of a true life partner. Someone who shares the same life outlook as I do, deep compassion for others, desire to grow and see and do. I don’t think this is too much to ask… then again I don’t really know as I’ve never really dated.
So this is where I stand. The fiance has been very supportive of the “cold feet” I’ve been experiencing. Though sometimes when we’ve been out and drinking his frustration with my hesitiation surfaces and I’m reminded that he’s human in this regard. It hurts me that I’m hurting him. And also doing a number on myself as well.
Any thoughts on my situation would be much appreciated. The exercise of drafting this post, in and of itself, has been very worthwhile. Appreciate it, all.