Post # 1
I think my last post a while ago was about not wanting to visit my parents for thanksgiving because they had kicked me out at the end of the summer( while I was living there for an internship) because I slept over at his apartment.
Well I didn’t go for thanksgiving but the idea of not going for christmas made me sad so I talked to my dad to make amends. We mostly worked things out and he said that I come first and he will do whatever to make it up to me. So I came for christmas.
Fast forward to now. Last night after me and the SO we’re hanging out with my family, we had planned to go back to his place to play some GTA5 but my step mom kinda insinuated that I had better stay there, even though my dad said it was my choice I felt very pressured to say no so I panicked and just stayed. SO got mad at me and said I was not on his team. I agreed so I arranged a dinner for (tonight ) so we could straighten it out before it was a problem again.
Except the dinner was a mess. I thought SO was being very disrespectful and rude but I didn’t want to turn on him in the middle of the convo. My step mom stormed out fairly quickly, and he preceeded to go nowhere for the next 2 hours with my dad because of all the logical fallacies in his arguments. It was like watching a super atheist debate a devout Catholic: annoying and repetitive and pointless.
Afterward he was again upset with me for not hardly saying anything (I did speak a fair amount) but it was because I literally could not agree with his ridiculous notions and didn’t want to disagree right there. I was stomping on his feet the whole time and he didn’t take a hint.
My dad doesn’t care he’s really chill I just have no idea what to do with myself. I don’t know if I can forgive him for all the things he was saying about them. Sure they treated me badly but they’re trying and that doesn’t mean you can badmouth them to me.
The thing that kills me is that I was initially attracted to him because he is literally the nicest guy I’ve ever met. But now that I’ve seen this side.. I just don’t know.
Ugh. Just venting. FYI we are 22 and 23 and been together over 2 years.
Post # 3
- Wedding: September 2015 - Ketchum, ID
@wouldyoukindlyy: Sounds like he’s immature. What kind of early 20 year old argues with their GF’s parents about staying over at his place? Tell him to grow up and learn some respect.
Post # 4
I think it was childish of your SO to bring that up at dinner with your parents. The issue is between you and your SO, not your SO and your parents. I’d be really upset with him for escalating things to that level.
Post # 5
I would be extremely upset with my SO for trying to debate anything with my parents. My parents and my SO aren’t exactly close, so maybe it’s different for people who can openly converse with their Future In-Laws, but he would never say something to purposely start an argument, which is what it sounds like your SO was doing. He sounds really immature, and I would have a conversation with him about the situation. This is a big deal because it sounds like you didn’t have a great relationship with your parents over staying with him before, and now he’s straining the relationship again.
Post # 6
His justification is that we need to get this settled before we get married eventually because the same thing happened to his uncles marriage: it was destroyed by a vindictive step mother in law. And he just doesn’t understand that people solve problems differently. And his is very blunt.
Post # 7
Ummm…you are an adult, why is it a problem if you stay the night at your partners? You’re not 15. I can understand why your SO is angry. You took your parents side over his and you are letting them dictate what happens in your relationship. I love and respect my parents but I also know how and when to say “this is nothing to do with you it’s between me and my partner” there are clear boundaries about standing up for your partner, your relationship and likewise stsnding up for your family. inthis case your SO is angry for a logical reason and you need to set them or its going to get worse
Post # 8
@StevieJo: I agree and that was the point of the dinner except he blew every boundary that ever existed out the window..
Post # 9
Well ok say he did overstep the mark, was he right in doing so? No. But he should not have had to defend himself at the same time…instead of YOU standing up to YOUR parents you brought him in and threw him to the wolves…and you’re surprised he became defensive and rude? That’s like being surprised at being bitten by a cornered animal. They are YOUR parents, not his, it was (and is) YOUR responsibility to talk to them, not his.
Post # 10
- Wedding: July 2014 - Prague
@StevieJo: I agree. Having a dinner when there’s such a huge issue… it seems a recipe for just the sort of thing that ended up happening.
OP: I disagree that your father is “chill” if he kicked you out of his house for sleeping with your boyfriend. I’m not saying he’s not entitled to his rules or whatever, but that’s not my definition of “chill.” The fact that you are calling him that in the face of the facts makes me think that you just want to block out the whole topic and try to make nice with everyone. I get that, but your SO isn’t like that.
This is an issue that YOU (yes you) are going to have to actually face. If you’re going to carry on sleeping with your boyfriend, you have to be strong enough to face your parents. It shouldn’t be your SO’s job to deal with that issue, and it IS an issue.
Post # 11
I’d be absolutely livid with you if I was your SO.
You are old enough to fuck him, so you don’t need your parent’s permission to do so. Your step-mom can hint all she like, but at the age of 22, she shouldn’t be in a place where she can tell you what to do.
Why couldn’t you just say ‘I am staying at SO’s tonight’? And it’s your problem to sort out with your parents, not your SO’s. You inflicted a dinner on him and made him look like a bad person because you are too much of a coward to stand up for youself.
I would be ending the relationship if I was your SO.
Post # 12
I am in your bf side here. If you want to be in a mature adult relationship headed toward marriage you need to start acting like a mature adult and stop living under the thumb of your parent. I would never consider marrying someone who couldn’t stand up to their parents when it came to our relationship. I think you guys have a lot of growing up to do before you’re ready for marriage.
Post # 13
+2 This situation with you not standing up to parents wouldnt fly with me.
Post # 14
@wouldyoukindlyy: I feel like you put your SO in the hot seat. You put him in a super uncomfortable position, didn’t stand up for him, and now he looks like the bad guy. I totally understand wanting your family and SO to get along and there might be some disagreements but if you agree with your SO on something then help him out! Don’t feed him to the wolves.
Post # 15
You were all in the wrong! This vent session/ dinner should not have happened at all. It is not your BF’s place to argue on your behalf. You should have been the one to deal with your own parents. And your parents should have made their feelings clear to you, alone.
Your argument about staying the night at your BF’s when you are in town is between you and your family. Dealing with your Boyfriend or Best Friend about the decision YOU make on this issue is your responsibility. You letting Boyfriend or Best Friend fight your battles, and not even in a way you agreed with, was wrong. And for BF to even consider being rude, out of line and disrespectful to you and your parents, that is ten times worse than all of the above put together.
Post # 16
@weddingmaven: Actually, this is a better assessment of the enitre situation.
OP dont think you Boyfriend or Best Friend should have agrued with your parents, but you arent blameless either.