(Closed) SO in fight with my parents… venting

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 17
Member
2375 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

If you can’t look your parents in the eye and say “I’m staying at SO’s tonight”, you’re not old enough or mature enough to be sleeping with him.  You’re REALLY not ready to be thinking about anything long term if you can’t have an honest conversation with your parents about your life and choices.  I’m with him on this.  If my fiance didn’t back us 100%, he’d be out on the curb.

Post # 19
Member
1344 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

I find it funny that there are replies saying he’s in the wrong, when just about every time a guy doesn’t take his FI’s side over his parents he is called a mummy’s boy and the OP usually gets told to dump him because he won’t stand up for her.

 

I see why he’s pissed. First, your dad said you could do whatever you liked, so your step mother should back off. Secondly, you’re an adult. Why aren’t you aloud to stay at your FI’s place? I agree that these issues need to get sorted out before you get married, too.

 

To me it seems like he expected you to take his side and stand up to them, you didn’t, and he wrongly took it upon himself to do it for you.

 

He shouldn’t have been rude, you should stand up to your step mother rather than taking her side over his.

Post # 20
Member
277 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

View original reply
@wouldyoukindlyy:  I think you should take a minute to look at what started all of this. You went over for supper and you were both supposed to leave afterwards. But you felt pressured and you panicked so you chose to stay instead of sticking to the plans the 2 of you made. Can you imagine how he must’ve felt to have had to leave without you when he thought you wanted to go home with him? He is right, you weren’t acting as a team with him as a couple should.

Many are saying he shoudn’t have argued on your behalf but it seems like that is the only logical thing for him to have done. You’ve implied that you essentially stayed there against your own will and didn’t stand up for yourself, he is the only one left to stand up for you at this point because you allowed them to dictate what you did even though it wasn’t what you wanted.

I just can’t help but feel that your choice to stay when you didn’t want to is the entire reason this is all happening. If you had simply left according to plan your step mom may have been a little miffed but that’d be it – instead everyone is now angry and fighting because it has become a competition for you. To me you need to make a choice – do you want to live with him or them? If you want to stay at his place you can’t just allow your step mom to force you into staying when you had plans. 

You really need to have a conversation with both separatly, not together where they’ll start fighting again. There are a lot of apologies that need to be exchanged between various people and clear boundaries need to be set between all of you.

My Fiance has on the rare occasion argued with my parents and of course it never ends well. But if I want Fiance to be a part of my family… arguing comes hand in hand with that and I don’t get to say the he has “no right” to say stuff about them.

Post # 22
Member
1646 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

View original reply
@wouldyoukindlyy:  That sounds like a reasonable solution. In my opinion, SO’s shouldn’t be getting involved in family fights when it isn’t their own family. He was wrong for arguing with your dad and stepmom, but you were also wrong for not standing up to them and allowing them to argue.

It may still be tougher than you think it will be, but it could also be easier. Are you going to be living with them or will you be living elsewhere? If you’re living with your dad and stepmom then you’ll need to compromise about the rules and boundaries. You’re an adult and should be treated as one, but you all will need to respect the rules agreed to by all parties involved.

And maybe you’re SO can start visiting with your parents after everyone cools off – it could take a while and it could take a good amount of effort, so give it time. It’s important for them to try and get along for your sake, especially if you guys are thinking about marriage in the future.

Post # 23
Member
1953 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

It shouldn’t have come to that. :/

Post # 24
Member
219 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

I have to side with your SO on this one. I am not one to stand up and tell my parents to butt out about much, but in the case of MY relationship with MY boyfriend they don’t get to tell me what I can and cannot do. If someone besides me or my SO decided they wanted to make a bunch of personal decisions for us and only one of us was thought that was a problem… I really wouldn’t see much reason for being in a relationship.

Post # 25
Member
2121 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014 - DD born 2015 DS born 2017

Wow. I would have to say that all of you were wrong:

– Your parents were too controlling

– You should have stood up to them as you’re old enough to make your own choices instead of bailing on your promise to your SO

– Your SO was too argumentative and should have controlled himself more even if his argument was right.

Post # 26
Member
9681 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@wouldyoukindlyy:  I agree with him – you aren’t 15 and if you want to stay at your partner’s house you don’t need you parents’ permission. I would have taken the issue up with you though rather than your parents because there’s no way I’d be with someone so influenced by their parents. Putting what they want over what your partner wants? Not cool in my opinion. 

Post # 27
Member
4430 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Seems like you’re only acknowledging posts from bees who agree with you. But whatever –

The “family matters” he’s getting involved in DOES include him when it is straining your relationship. Maybe you don’t see it that way but he does and I’m sorry but his feelings are just as valid as yours.   

in this case it seems like YOU are way too immature.  It doesn’t matter if you’ve been together for 2 or 5 years, it shows in how you handled this and I don’t think you’re even close to being ready for marriage. 

 

 

Post # 28
Member
3680 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Neither one of you is ready to even start talking about marriage.

Post # 29
Member
1317 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014 - NH

My opinion is just that you…without SO…need to have a sitdown with your parents and tell them that you are sleeping with him and will spend the night with him whenever you please, and that if they expect you to be able to have dinner with them and continue on as adults, that you and they all need to work on being respectful of each other.  You’re either the child, or you’re an adult…if you’re the child and want to live by their rules, that’s fine…but don’t expect the person you are seeing or anyone else to view you as an adult who is ready to take on life.  You have to stand up for yourself, for your relationship, and set clear boundaries on acceptable behavior with your parents.  Don’t let anyone (SO or parents) badger you, but be vocal about what you want.

Post # 30
Member
232 posts
Helper bee

@wouldyoukindlyy:  Wow, no bueno…

Honestly, the confrontation has already happened, so you can only try to make things better. You need to have seperate conversations with everyone that was involved.

Your SO had a right to be pissed… You pretty much bailed on him when you felt a little pressure! That’s not cool, and it makes you seems like a scared child. That’s probabaly why he took the lead with the confrontation in the first place. I don’t think your SO was in the wrong because as a “team” if you don’t stand up for yourself then he’ll do it for you.

This seems like an issue with boundaries. You’re letting both of your parents have too much say in what happens with your relationship. Your step-mom needs to take a backsit, the passive aggressive comments were uncalled for. Your father needs to let you know where he stands with this sleep-overs instead of his wife doing it. In all truth, if at 22 you can’t just tell them what’s really going on without fear of conflict then you might want to skip out on the relationships for now… Is this your first serious relationship? I know everyone does stuff at different ages, but hell once I left for college at 18 my parents just called to make sure I was alive and let me do my own thing when it came to the men department…

Post # 31
Member
1073 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@wouldyoukindlyy:  

It soulds like your partner behaved badly, but it also sounds like your parents can be controlling at times. At the end of the day, you may have to sit both parties down separately and set some expectations. If either party does not live up to those expectations, then you’re going to have to make some tough decisions and hold people accountable. Your happiness should be important to all of them, so they need to put all of this ridiculousness behind them. Hope it all works out! 🙂

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