(Closed) SO in fight with my parents… venting

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 32
Member
370 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I would normally be inclined to say that each party should be responsible for keeping their own parents in check, but you kind of hung him out to dry and didn’t leave him much choice.  

You made a decision TOGETHER about how you would handle the holdiays and dinner with your family, and then you bailed on it in the moment.. I know my Fiance and I are super big on being a team (since you used that word I’m assuming you guys are too), and if he ever hung me out with his family like that it would really make me feel betrayed. You’re an adult woman, and it is your responsibility to stand up to you family when it comes to decisions you make with your significant other. You however did not do that. At that point it’s reasonable that he would feel like he needed to stand up for himself.

Honestly, if Fiance left me to fend for myself with his family, I would hate doing it, because I firmly believe that each party of a relationship should be responsible for defending their situation to their respective families when neccesary. A person is obviously much better equipt to deal with their own family than their significant other is, so taking that on for your partner is your responsibility.

That being said, if he took issue with HOW I handled a circumstance he failed to address, I’d be PISSED. I’d feel like he not only hung me out to dry to fend for myself concerning something we had decided together.. but on top of that then had the balls to take issue with how I chose to handle something he had unfairly dumped on me. It would not make me feel good at all.

Post # 33
Member
13228 posts
Honey Beekeeper

I think the back story is needed to get a little additional perspective.

According to your previous thread, you are away in school most of the year but were living home with your father and step mother last summer.  SO currently is out of school, working, and living  in an apartment in the same town as your father and step-mother.  

SO first  moved to your father’s town last summer.  Initially, he had no place to live, so your father, with knowledge of your stepmother, made their home his center of operations.  He left boxes of his stuff and lived  on another  floor of the house when he wasn’t out of town for his job. Stepmother was not on board with this whole arrangement, but tolerated it.

By the end of the summer Boyfriend or Best Friend had an apartment and had moved out, which led to the current issue.  Your family was not OK with you spending nights at  your BFs,  putting them in the position, in their minds, of appearing to support something they strongly disapprove while  you are also living under their roof.

It really comes down to the old concept “my house, my rules” something that, like it or not, can apply to guests of all ages. I’m not sure whether there are younger siblings involved, for whom they consider you a role model, or this is mostly a desire not to seem to condone what they consider immoral or disrespectful behavior.

It sounds as if you discovered this rule by testing it not once but at least three times.   The first time they were upset and made it clear this was not OK.   The second time they were furious and locked the doors to the house.  Apparently on this occasion you left without saying a word to either of them. That was wrong!  If a guest in my home, any guest,  left without even the courtesy of a phone call, I’d be plenty mad  too, and assume they weren’t coming back. The third time you caved and stayed home, which is what led to the current situation. 

It seems to me that adult or no, you can’t have it both ways and that your father and stepmother  need to make some decisions, too.  Either you understand and respect their rules or you may find yourself unwelcome.  On their part they may be trying to reconcile some strongly held beliefs with the fear of losing you.  

I actually have some empathy for both sides here.  

Post # 34
Member
2836 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@wouldyoukindlyy:  Gah.  Sounds like Fi is immature- and also sounds like your parents (or stepmom, I should say) have unreasonable expectations for someone your age.

I have step-parents….and we have things we don’t agree on (particularly my stepmom and I). I *used* to always do my best to please her.  She’s not completely out of line- there are many great qualities about her.  But she’s sort of like this “perfect” human being, and I am just me. So I don’t always make the same decisions she would make– and therefore, they are not “right”.  I am THIRTY-THREE years old.

My advice to you- would be this:  although I wasn’t there for the conversation, give you SO a chance.  #1:  it seems like he was on YOUR side, and he doesn’t like seeing his sweetie get “beat-up” on.  Even my DAD- would admire the fact that my DH is “sticking up” for me, even if it was “againt” my dad– because my dad- to a fault- believes you should always back your wife/SO up.  I agree- I think it’s a very important part of any relationship- a united front- but there also has to be reasonable boundries.

 

 

None of us are awesome when are put on the spot in an argument.  I will have a fully thought-out, logical thought-process- if I could write it down BEFOREHAND and let the person read it, it makes sense.  But when I verbally have to present it, I suck.

 

Granted, I wasn’t there- but I admire that your SO stuck by your side.  You’re old enough that you don’t need your parents (or stepmom) dictating every move you make, and they need to be able to realize this.

I think it’s hard for parents to see thier children turn into adults and make thier own decisions.

Post # 36
Member
1246 posts
Bumble bee

Based on the fact that you did not agree with your SO, I say you have a lot to think about. Personally,  I would be very unhappy with a man who felt the need to endlessly argue with my parents. It would most likely mean there some significant fundamental differences between me and him. If you marry,  you will have to see your family together,  unless you want to cut them off. I don’t think you want that 🙁 He must also learn on his own to pick his battles well.

Post # 37
Member
2479 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I question whether either of you are mature enough to consider marriage right now. Clearly you are overly-influenced by your parents yet at the same time, if you were living under their roof, they have more right to express their opinion about you sleeping with your SO.

However, as the mother of grown-up children myself, I have to say that once they reached the legal age of consent, I didn’t consider that I had any right to interfere with their sex lives and it would help if your parents accepted that you were now, legally speaking, an adult and thus they cannot control what you do. 

While I can understand why your SO would have been pissed off about you giving into your parents’ demands, he doesn’t come across as particularly mature either. Causing this sort of drama will do nothing towards resolving the situation and if you intend to get married, you’ll find it very difficult to keep the warring parties apart. And warring they will be if your SO plans to wade in so ungraciously on your behalf.

Post # 38
Member
838 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2008

I honestly believe BOTH of you have a lot of growing up to do. You don’t have the ability to put your parents in their place, he thinks it’s OK to argue with the parents of his girlfriend…

it doesn’t need to be an argument. This is the kind of stuff he needs to be very cognizant of before he proposes (how you relate to your parents). Obviously, he needs to leave you, let you grow up and then if it’s possible come back when you’re a full grown woman.

Post # 42
Member
13228 posts
Honey Beekeeper

View original reply
@wouldyoukindlyy: 

 

I think it comes down to the fact that you are still a student, possibly still being funded and supported   by parents, and you still define “home” as their house.  If so, unfortunately the reality is that while you are legally an adult, you are not yet a fully self supporting,independent one.  BF, while he may have a lot of maturing to do on the basis of your post, is. Unfortunately, you two are in two different places, something Boyfriend or Best Friend could have tried harder for his part to understand. 

You may also come from very different backgrounds. To your parents, staying overnight with your Boyfriend or Best Friend in the middle of  a trip home is very inappropriate, maybe even immoral. You have your own house and your own bed.  To them it feels as if you are just rubbing their noses in your sex life.  It’s one thing to be aware that you may or may not stay over with Boyfriend or Best Friend at school in an abstract, hypothetical  way and quite another to have you “throw it directly in their faces” while you are living at home. 

It’s really not a question of holding you prisoner, it’s a question of whether or not you choose to respect their sensibilities. From a strictly practical point of view you have to ask yourself if it’s worth alienating your stepmother or father to the point they may say fine,  D wants to be treated like an independent adult, then let her support herself on her own dime! Then you are nobody’s prisoner.  If you are OK with the possible emotional and financial consequences, those are decisions only you can make.

To me, this would not have been a battle worth fighting for the brief time you are at home.  BF has his own apartment, so you really must have plenty of privacy during the week. I assume he visits you, too.

Post # 43
Member
121 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

I feel like your parents were in the wrong for insisting on manipulating you into doing what they want, but that it didn’t warrant your sweetheart’s actions. In a perfect world, you could have stood up to them and gone over anyway… it’s true that as you grow up, enforcing boundaries and making your own rules is hard to do sometimes, but you have to do it.

If he has an issue with what actually happened, then his issue should honestly be with you. You’re the one who caved, and didn’t give in. Sometimes parents need to be tested and nudged a little bit, and if that needs to happen, it’s on you to do it. (Not that I’m trying to shame you at all! These things are hard to navigate, and I might have even made the same choice as you if I were in the same position.) But if he has an issue with what happened, he needs to talk – RESPECTFULLY – to you about it. And then you need to have another RESPECTFUL talk with your parents, probably without him around, about how you’re growing up and need to make your own rules and decisions. Not to mention, your mother’s behavior was pretty manipulative.

My biggest takeaway with all of this is that your sweetheart doesn’t really know how to have an argument. Sometimes, when you’re arguing about something that’s happened into the past, there’s no neat and tidy wrap-up. Someone has to say “this hurt me” and the other person has to say “I had my reasons” and you both quietly consider the other’s opinions and walk away, maybe resolving to do better next time, but both with your dignity intact. When you get to the point where you’re arguing in circles for hours, then nothing will be accomplished.

If your honey couldn’t let you resolve this on your own, the least he could do is say his piece, RESPECTFULLY, to your parents about how he wishes they could be respectful of your decisions as an adult. And then walk away, and drop the topic after that. They would get the message, for sure, even if he didn’t feel satisfied with their reaction. A lot of the time, it’s dignity that keeps us from “resolving” things… what did he want from your parents, a tearful apology and sincere, written promises to never do it again?

I can appreciate that he is trying to be protective of you, and in a way that’s sweet… but he needs to learn to manage conflict more effectively if he’s going to step into issues like this in the future.

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