- 4 years ago
Regular poster “waiting” bee going anon in shame. :/
The long story (scroll down for long story short):
Background: SO and I have known each other six years. Dated for about a year several years ago, during which he cheated on me. We broke up. FF two years later, we started dating again this time around, which has lasted two and a half years. He has been very clear about his intentions to marry me, has taken me ring shopping, etc. He’s waiting on my readiness, not the other way around. I know that he loves me more than anything. He is wonderful to me, to my family, is all-around just the best boyfriend ever, and we are a great match.
The shitty part: I’ve never 100% trusted him since the last time, and sometimes I snoop (I know, I’m a horrible person, now you know). I’ve done it very rarely though, since I’ve never actually found anything. Until a few weeks ago, when I checked his texts and found a “selfie” of a pretty (clothed) girl from an unlisted number. I was shocked and left it alone for a couple weeks, telling myself it wasn’t proof of anything. So I went looking further a week ago, much further than I’d ever gone before, and found something much worse: when I was abroad a little over a year ago (we were separated–still together! Just on separate continents– for three months), he had responded to two separate Craigslist personal ads. One was sent the day I got home. He responded saying things like, always been attracted to [insert haircolor I am not here], I’m the age you were looking for…etc. I don’t remember much beyond the gist, I was so in shock and immediately started sobbing, knowing our relationship was over. I confonted him about it, and he swore he didn’t cheat. He said he sent them as a “joke,” to screw with people. I knew he was lying.
Last night, I talked to him on the phone (we are an hour apart and both work FT so we only see each other about once a week). I told him perhaps I could move past it if he was honest with me. He finally came clean, telling me yes, he was lying. He said he didn’t know if he intended to cheat, but he “intended something.” He said he was testing the waters. I have been so very clear with him since the start of our this-round relationship, that ANY hint of cheating and I would be so gone. He knew how much he hurt me when he cheated on me years ago. He feels like the worst person ever and said he’ll do anything to make it up to me. I’m not sure there’s anything he can do. I know how desperately he doesn’t want to lose me, and I know how much he loves me and I don’t believe he would have gone through with cheating on me. But the fact that he sent those emails is SUCH a betrayal. I’m so conflicted. I want so badly to forgive him but I don’t see how I can…but I also don’t see how I can live without him.
The long story short:
He responded to CL personal ads with the intent to cheat and then changed his mind, realized how horrible it was, and begs me to forgive him. He cheated on me the first time around that we dated. I love him more than anything in the world and he is my best friend. He is repentant and feels like the world’s worst person. What do I do?