(Closed) SO "intended" to cheat. But had a change of heart. …WWYD?

posted 4 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: What would you do?
    Kick him to the curb! : (493 votes)
    90 %
    Forgive him! : (4 votes)
    1 %
    Try to move past it but with serious reservations : (52 votes)
    9 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    918 posts
    Busy bee

    @anonabee1600:  sorry, but as soon as I read that you had previously dated and broke up because he cheated, I voted kick him to the curb. “Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me.” I also have a zero tolerance for cheating though. It just sounds like a pattern for him…

     

    Post # 5
    Member
    1878 posts
    Buzzing bee

    @anonabee1600:  Curb- you deserve a man whose phone and emails do not need to be checked.  Good luck honey!  

    Post # 6
    Member
    840 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: July 2013

    @anonabee1600:  Yikes. i know I wouldn’t be okay with this, personally. I think you need to ask yourself if you’re ok with him contemplating cheating – this time, AND in the future, because chances are it’ll happen again. If this is his behaviour now while you’re so in love and are without the stresses that marriage/kids/etc. brings, what will he be up to later? Do you believe that this time is the last and he will truly change? A life of worry and stress over his fidelity is no life, IMO.

    Post # 7
    Member
    1795 posts
    Buzzing bee

    did you do any counseling after the first instance?  Are you willing to see what might happen if both of you saw someone this time?  I think the only way I’d consider staying (and I’m  not sure even then) is if there were some counseling involved for both – him obviously, but me as well to help me sort out how much I was willing to tolerate.   

    Post # 8
    Member
    345 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: April 2013

    @anonabee1600:  I agree with krayzay87, it sounds like a pattern for your SO. I hate it for you because you have invested so much time in the relationship, but it’s the truth. After the relationship was severed by his cheating, he does it again when you two are even more serious. I think the CL ad is almost worse because he was actively looking for an opportunity to cheat. It makes no difference that he did not follow through physically. By responding to those ads, he was following through in a big way. In 6 years together, he has cheated twice. Once while he was waiting to propose. You were warned about this man the first time he did it. Now, I’d run. 

    Post # 9
    Member
    918 posts
    Busy bee

    @anonabee1600:  I’m sorry he has done this and you have to relive it :(. I think you need to love and value yourself more than you do him. *hugs*

    Post # 10
    Member
    122 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: September 2013

    I do believe cheating is sometimes a one time mistake for some people. However, I think some people are just cheaters. Whether he cheated or not this second time, he has proven now that he lacks the ability to be totally faithful. I know you love him, but honestly, in time, you could love someone else. Someone who wouldn’t cheat on you or “test the waters” and then lie to you about it. You found a pic of another woman just as recently as a few weeks ago…what’s the point in continuing this?

    Post # 13
    Member
    7872 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    @anonabee1600:  Sorry, but my opinion is that he is lying, and has already cheated. Cheaters have a habit of owning up to as little as possible.

    Post # 14
    Member
    1798 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: August 2011

    He cheated on you. You forgave him and let him have a second chance. Rather than using his second chance to prove that he’s a changed man, he showed that he’s still a cheater at heart. Regardless of whether he actually slept with these women (and I don’t believe a word of his story saying he didn’t, cheaters often just admit the least possible), he showed you that you can’t trust him because he still has the desire to cheat.

    Think about it. Even if you give him another chance, would you ever fully trust him again? Do you really want to spend the rest of your life snooping like private investigator because you’re afraid he’s cheating again? I’m not saying you did anything wrong by snooping, clearly he’s not trustworthy, but do really want to spend your life checking up on him?

    Post # 15
    Member
    106 posts
    Blushing bee

    @krayzay87:  +1 I think it’s a different story if he hasn’t already cheated. As it is that’s a pattern and you deserve better. 

     

    Also, he didnt come to you guilt-stricken by what he did – that shows no remorse to me. He waited for you to find out. That suggests he only regrets getting caught, not what he did in my (non-professional) opinion. 

    Post # 16
    Member
    345 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: April 2013

    @anonabee1600:  I’m just writing back to tell you that I am so sorry that you are going through this. It’s easy to judge a situation from afar and say “run,” but difficult to objectively assess the situation from within and make a decision. I can’t imagine struggling with this after so long with a person, but I have had friends and family members who have and I have seen their devastation firsthand. Even though you have spent so long with your SO, if you get married you have decades and decades as his wife. He has proven to you that his character is to be unfaithful, and marriage is not going to change it. It is much better to willingly leave after 3 years of dating than it is to have to leave, or be left, after 10 or 20 or even 30 years of marriage. Sometimes love keeps us from seeing the truth of a situation. I would encourage you to take a weekend to yourself somewhere you love and get in touch with who you are. Remind yourself of your character and decide what you want for your life. It is easy to relinquish our identities in a relationship. Remember that we “accept the love we think we deserve.” And there is always time to meet someone new and fall in love, so don’t let your timeline make your decision for you. If it was the first time, I could justify staying. But the second… This will impact your life until you die. You will always worry, always be suspicious when he comes home late or forgets to call. You have to be able to completely trust your spouse. 

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