- 6 years ago
So, a little about me really quick.
I’m 20 years old.I’m five foot eight.I weight 240 pounds, give or take a few.I would love to lose 100 pounds (max, 40-60 at least).
Losing that much weight would be a challenge for anyone. Add in my status as a full time student with a full time job that has ever- changing hours, it just got a lot harder. Add in an unsupportive SO, the difficulty just climbed again. Make that SO not just unsupportive, but actually work against my efforts… well, things start to move in the opposite direction.
My SO has a thing… to be blunt… for fat chicks. And not just them being fat, but feeding them and getting them fat. He asks me all the time to get bigger for him. In the moment, it’s practically impossible to straight up tell him no. So I tell him I’ll just gain a little then not actually gain but stop/ reign- in weight loss efforts. Or we came to an agreement once that I’d gain ten pounds then lose it then gain a little bit the next year (like around his birthday) then lose it but of course that never worked out because he got a little greedy and wanted more. He says he has a threshold but doesn’t know what it is because it hasn’t been met. And he says that at any time I can tell him it’s enough and I’m not comfortable with going higher. But how can I say that when I stopped being comfortable 50 pounds ago- long before we even started dating? He’s said he would still love me and want to be with me even if I wasn’t as big because he loves me for me, not my body. But I don’t want to disappoint him. And our sex life is already slow because of our schedules. Combine a lowered desire on his part for me because he won’t find me as physically sexy with that and it might all but disappear. He asked me once if I wanted to lose weight and I fumbled for words and managed to get out something about just not wanting to get too much bigger/ losing my shape (which has already been lost a little, but I still have a semi-defined waist) because I’ve never been comfortable discussing my weight or a desire to lose weight. It’s not that I’m terribly self concious about being big, I’m just me and no one characteristic defines me. I just am. Cogito ergo sum. But I’m getting off track. I do want to lose weight. I wish when I was in high school I realized I wasn’t fat. I was overweight, yeah, but now that I’m at this point, I’d love to be 170 lb again! I didn’t realize what I actually had until I lost it. And it isn’t my SO’s fault I’ve gotten so far (I honestly haven’t gained anything since we’ve been together, just small fluctuations). I got myself to this point, he just isn’t making it easy for me to go back. And I suppose if I did make a stand and tell him I was gonna lose weight, he’d be supportive… not helpful, but he’d be there for me and not try to derail me. Except when his sexual urges get the better of himself and he buys/ feeds me Oreos…
It’s just… I worked so hard to make him feel comfortable with himself and his preferences and that it was ok for him to like the squishy/ jiggly things and that it was ok for him to open up to me about those things, I feel like I would destroy that bit of self confidence and maybe even some of the trust in me that came out of that if I told him I wanted to lose weight. But at the same time… My energy is drained. My joints are sore, which is another matter but the extra weight doesn’t help. I have a closet full of cute clothes that used to fit. I want to lay down and my stomach be flat (I’m ok with a pooch when standing lol). I want to wear the low rise jeans I wore for years. I want to not have to search high and low for dress/ work clothes in my size. I don’t want to be a size 4, I want to be a size 12. I don’t need a hard, tight body. I’m ok with being soft, with some extra curves. I want to take a picture of myself and not have to worry if I’m standing quite right as to not look like a blob (I mean, I used to take a million pictures of myself anyway, but that was to find the best, not just a useable one). Everything I do is with him in mind. Going to school, working, most things in general I have him in the back of my mind or I’m thinking what would be best for the future, OUR future. I guess I really do put him first and I hate the idea of doing something that I know would go right in the face of what he wants. He’s such a sweet guy, more than most people ever realize. I don’t know how to get what I want but give him what he wants because I like making him happy and giving him what he wants. I’m conflicted :/ Help me bees?