(Closed) SO is against my weight loss and I'm so conflicted :(

posted 6 years ago in Fitness
Post # 3
Member
289 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Well, frankly he has a fetish. Nothing wrong with that. But he needs to understand, that his fetish is conflicting with your body image and he needs to let up. there is no reason a fetish should EVER put your health at a risk you are not happy with.

There is a rule We have in the fetish community, and that is “RACK” Risk Aware Consentual Kink. That also includes emotional risks. If you are not emotionally safe with the way he practices his kink ot fetish, then you need to have a long sit down talk about it.

Post # 4
Member
1733 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Your SO’s feeder fetish can’t take precedence over your health. Not judging him for it — but remember, “safe, sane, and consensual” are the watchwords when it comes to kink. The extra weight is starting to take a toll on your physical health (sore joints and loss of energy) as well as your self-image. I wouldn’t presume to know more intimate health details (cholesterol levels, blood pressure, pancreatic function), but being heavy raises your risk for heart disease and diabetes at the very least. If you’re not comfortable with your weight and/or getting even larger, then you’re not consenting enthusiastically anymore (and enthusiastic consent is the delightful part of sex!)

In short — your own physical and mental health are more important than his kink. He seems to be a good guy who loves you for you, and so you need to repay that unconditional support by being honest with him that you’ve reached your “yellow light” on this type of play. If he is so deeply oriented towards feeding that he can’t compromise on the fulfillment of this fantasy, then you need to know this before you’re totally committed to a life with him. (But again, it seems like he is willing to work with you.)  Your life together will be longer and a higher-quality if you work to get your weight down into a range that is healthy but still gives you the pleasantly soft body that both you and your SO enjoy.

(Disclaimer — I’m a size 20 and happily identify as full-figured. No fat-hate, body shaming, concern trolling or the like intended.)

Post # 5
Member
1813 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

@HisLittleRed:  This!  His love for you should make him realise that your health and well-being is tantamount to anything. 

Post # 6
Member
1547 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

@HisLittleRed:  THIS!

It’s totally ok if he likes big chicks, but he needs to understand that it could damage your health.

Dont be afraid to loose weight, it’s for your own good, he’ll love you anyway.

Post # 7
Member
805 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I’ve seen programmes about feeders and I’m no expert but from what I did see it was clear that the problem manifests in most cases. You are only 20 years old are you sure this is really what you want? 

Post # 10
Member
1733 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@username_hidden:  I’m glad what I said was helpful! He sounds like a really good guy, and you are a supportive partner to help him come to terms with his controversial desires. (And not to minimize his struggle for self-acceptance, but there are SO MANY MORE socially uncomfortable/unhealthy/dangerous things that he could be into.)

But just to point out a dynamic I see: you said “I guess I really do put him first and I hate the idea of doing something that I know would go right in the face of what he wants” and “I guess I’m afraid that stopping things will do more harm to his mental health than continuing would do to mine.” and “But I can’t bring myself to make that decisive statement that would bring down any hopes he did have.”

To be able to be in a securely-attached, equal-partner relationship, you need to be able to communicate and pursue your own needs without feeling that they’re going to irreversibly hurt or break your partner. Your happiness as an individual is essential to your happiness as a couple, and you can’t tamp down your own feelings and assume that it’s going to be OK. Flexibility is important, of course — but it still holds true even if it’s “not that big a deal” to you and a big deal to him. (I also sense that you may be minimizing your own feelings a little bit to “protect” him and “protect” the relationship.) There are going to be times that you and your partner are not on the same page, whether this is sex, career, children, moving, politics, etc! Completely separate from the feeder issue, you need to feel able to diverge from him when that means being honest to yourself.

Again, I would be on the “this is not going to work” side of things if your post had given me the sense that he was so attached to feeding that it was a dealbreaker in your relationship. But it sounds like you’re already thinking about a plan. Even Weight Watchers has “splurge days” — you guys can make Oreo dates! But you should trust him when he says that he can compromise. And you’ll work through any problems that come up by using good honest communication skills.

Post # 11
Member
367 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

@village_skeptic:  To be able to be in a securely-attached, equal-partner relationship, you need to be able to communicate and pursue your own needs without feeling that they’re going to irreversibly hurt or break your partner. Your happiness as an individual is essential to your happiness as a couple, and you can’t tamp down your own feelings and assume that it’s going to be OK. 

As I was reading through your post and responses, this is exactly what I was thinking. I think that it is awesome that you’re so aware of him, his needs/desires, and his emotional well-being, and that you make extra effort to support him – that is key in LTRs. But you can’t do it at the sacrifice of your own happiness and well-being, whether that be physical or emotional.

I would advise that you sit down and have a heart-to-heart with him; tell him everything you’ve shared here. Shoot, maybe have him read your post (though you don’t necessarily have to tell him you posted it online, if you think that would make him withdraw). Take the words you’ve used to express your worries and concerns and show them to him. You have every right to think about your self-image and health. You can learn to grow, together, and to love your new body. Throughout relationships and marriages, we’re always redefining ourselves – we can’t possibly stay the same person throughout our entire lives. A big part of marriage is learning to love and grow with your partner (as long as the way they are changing isn’t destructive or harmful!). This is a good first step for you both to do that together.

From what you’ve described, it sounds as if he’d be pretty receptive to hearing you out, especially as you’ve been so open and accepting of him and this fettish. You love him and trust him, right? Give him the chance to show you he is the man you know he is by trusting him with these feelings and concerns. 

Post # 12
Member
826 posts
Busy bee

He needs to either accept you as you are and accept your possible weight loss, or he needs to break up with you and find himself a feedee.  It really depends on the extent of his fetish.  There are 3 categories he can fall into:

The crazy/douchebag feeders-These guys only care about the weight gain, not the person gaining the weight.  They are mean, demanding, and will never be satisfied.  All their feedee is to them is a number, a lump of fat, and a sex object.

The sane feeders-These guys love to see their feedees gain, but they care about their feedees. A sane feeder respects (and if it’s a romantic relationship, loves) his feedee.  He follows the feedee’s lead and boundaries.  If the feedee wants to stop gaining or lose weight, the sane feeder will be okay with that and will not make the feedee feel bad.

Fat Admirers who have feederism fantasies-these guys find feederism to be hot, and while they would love to see their significant other gain, it’s not necessary for them.  As long as their partner is some degree of fat, they’re happy.  Watching their significant other eat, or noticing that their significant other has gained weight, is just a turn-on (not a necessity).  Many of them realize that they wouldn’t actually want their significant other to put on that much weight because of the possible health issues.  They are content to sort of roleplay feederism (pretend that you weigh more than you do, hand-feed you food, etc) and imagine what it would be like if their significant other grew.  They do not atually need to carry out a feeder/feedee relationship for them to be happy.  

I don’t know your man personally, so it’s hard for me to put him in a category.

Clearly, you’re not entirely happy at the moment.  You need to have a serious talk with him about what his expectations for the relationship are, and the you need to figure out if both of you can be happy under the circumstances described in his expectations.  If he “needs” you to be a certain weight or “needs” you to be a feedee and you cannot meet those “needs,” he most likely will not be sexually attracted to you and will satisfy his fetish by subscribing to gaining webmodels’ websites and/or sending them food and money.  

Post # 13
Member
3624 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

It doesn’t really sound like you’re on the same page with his fetish. Do you HAVE to discuss weight loss with him or can you just do it? There may be things that turn him on but you just can’t/won’t do for one reason or another, and that’s fine. Being in a relationship means figuring out what works for BOTH of you. If his happiness comes at the expense of yours, it’s time for a serious re-evaluation.

Post # 15
Member
367 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

@username_hidden:  But by hiding your true feelings, you’re in turn ruining your trust/confidence/intimacy regardless, you know what I mean? By not being open with him (much in the same way you want him to be open with you), you’re not trusting him. Tell him your concerns about your weight, but also share with him the fears you’ve mentioned to us, and tell him you want him to be open with you in turn. 

And, you saying you want to lose weight doesn’t say you don’t accept his fetish. It’s saying you’re the one who has to carry the weight, and risk to your health, your joints, and your daily well-being, and you’re not sure you want to do that any more. 

I understand you’re scared, but I think you need to trust HIM enough to be open with your wants and needs as he has been with his. 🙂

Post # 16
Member
232 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

 

There is a time to put yourself first especially when its affecting you i.e. your joints and eventually mobility. There is a give and take in a relationship and you have to do this for yourself. If you aren’t happy then how can you be happy in your relationship. It’s time to out your foot down and tell him that you are going to lose some weight and he can either stand by your side through it or he can kick rocks and take his Oreos with him.

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