(Closed) SO is scared to get married. Help?

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 18
813 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Wasn’t this already posted? D: I remember commenting

Post # 21
1184 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@AquamarineQueen:  “I am scared to bring u the marriage discussion because there are times where he gets so mad about it and he wont talk to me for the rest of the night. Ugh.”

To me, this says everything.  He has absolutely NO INTEREST in getting married. At all.  That is why he gets angry when you bring it up, and when you press him on it…because he feels that he’s made it clear that he doesn’t want to get married.  

I honestly would leave him.   I mean, I know you said you wanted to wait a year and see where things are then, but what will that do except entrench you more in the relationship and make it harder for you to leave??? You are wasting your time with a man who doesn’t have the same end goal as you do. 6 years and he is still waffling on getting married?? that is your answer.  

I’m sorry to be harsh sounding, but I have been where you are (minus the moving in with him and moving to his town).   I knew I would regret it forever if I stayed with my BF and didn’t get married. To me, marriage is very important.  My parents are divorced too, but despite their unhappy marriage, I still know and have examples of good marriages around me..and I’ve learned from my parents’ mistakes.  It was the hardest thing I’ve done and yet, was the most rewarding.  I’m happily married now, I did end up with my forever guy, and I was strong enough to go after what I wanted in life.  I think if you really want marriage, that you should be strong enough to go for it, and not tie yourself longer to a guy who doesn’t have the same life goals as yourself.  

Post # 23
1153 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 1995

I think he’s still stringing you along.  Will you be happy waiting 2 years or longer for marriage?

Post # 25
1878 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

@AquamarineQueen:  Do you think he meant two years to get married or in two years he’ll be ready?
I’m going to say I suspect he meant he’d be ready in two years – no asking, no planning a proposal, no wedding planning. He’d just be more comfortable with the idea of marriage in about two years.

Honestly 2 years is a LONG time just to be ready to get married after such a long-term relationship. that would be 8 years.
I am of the opinion that if he’s not ready now, he won’t be later.

He needs to be in counseling – it may not be his “thing” but he needs to prove that he’s taking steps to figure out whether he’s ready or not.
Two years will accomplish NOTHING if he doesn’t face his fears head-on and address them.

I UNDERSTAND what it’s like to be afraid of marriage, and especially of divorce, but I went to a therapist to deal with it because I WANTED to marry this guy, and I wanted to make sure he knew I was serious. I did it for me, and there’s a little bit of truth in saying I did it for him. I wanted to stop hurting his feelings with my constant freak-outs.
It helped tremendously, and I’ll be sealing the deal on Saturday. I am a little scared (who isn’t!) but I know I’m sticking with the right person.

Post # 27
200 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2010 - Christmas Tree Farm

@AquamarineQueen:  Knowing that he’s not afraid of the commitment itself is a good thought, but you aren’t just talking about marriage, are you? Isn’t he also unsure if he’ll ever be ready for kids? That is very important.

Post # 29
200 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2010 - Christmas Tree Farm

@AquamarineQueen:  That’s good! I’m glad to hear that you guys have been able to talk through everything and you feel like you’re on the same page again. My H has always been very sure that he wants kids, but he’s been wishy washy about when he wants to start TTC and even though I know without a doubt that we will TTC eventually it’s driven me crazy to bounce back and forth on when we will!

Post # 31
573 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

@AquamarineQueen:  i think you really should sit him down and talk about therapy because not only would you need premarital counseling to make sure you’re both ready but also what if something comes up when you’re married and he is not willing to go and work it out? That’s a big red flag for me being anti-therapy. Some guys need more time to propose but it sounds like he is committed. The back and forth is not fair to u and a third party ( counselor) may be more effective getting real answers or helping him communicate. 

I am really looking forward to the premarital classes/counseling because it makes the couple familiar with therapy and focusing on possible issues. Then couples are more likely to reach out for help if something needs helping in the future Instead of waiting past the breaking point. 

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