- 5 years ago
Hello Bees. This is my first post. After reading through other similar posts as this one, I’ve decided I need to post my own so that I can get your opinions and feedback. I’ll try to make this as short and sweet as possible.
My SO and I are both 33. We have been together 2.5 years and have been living together for about 2. We moved in together because it was what we both wanted and it made sense for both of us financially to do so. I am once divorced from a 7 year marriage that my ex was unfaithful and fathered a child with his mistress while we were married. (I found all of this out after the divorce.) My SO has never been married but has been in several long-term relationships. His last was one where they dated for 5 years and she was unfaithful as well. His ex was not interested in marriage and he joked about how he dodged a bullet with her.
We both love, value and cherish each other, rarely argue/fight and are very good to each other. He cooks a lot for me, throws my clothes in the dryer so that they are warm in the mornings, brings me flowers, sends me flowers on my birthday, takes good care of me, listens and supports me (emotionally, not monetarily) and is kind hearted and affectionate every day. He is honest and trustworthy and comes home every day after work to be with me; we share a lot of hobbies and are ‘best friends’. We share in each other’s triumphs, tribulations and letdowns. We are very supportive of one another. We talk about our future constantly; he always says things like “when we’re married”, “this is for us/our future/our family”, we talk about children constantly and have been trying for a child since we are concerned about our ages/fertility.
My problem is what he perceives as impatience.
Last year in the spring, he told me that he was going to propose on July 4th, as it was a special day for us both. July 4th came and went, and I said nothing, but was very upset. So, a few months later, he tells me that he has something planned for us and that “it will happen soon”. So, naturally I waited. I thought ‘oh, maybe its going to happen on Christmas?’ and was very excited about the prospect of a holiday proposal. The holidays came and went with no proposal.
So, here I am almost a full year later; we’ve talked about our wedding (set no date), we’ve talked about children and are trying for one, he’s mentioned the proposal “is coming” and that I “need to be patient”.
I have told him point blank on two recent occasions (a month apart) how the proposal dates he gave have passed and how it made me feel — powerless, like I was waiting for his ‘approval’ to make the cut, frustrated that he made me multiple promises about when it happen almost a year ago, how I wanted to move forward since we talk constantly about our future together, etc. I told him it was driving me crazy, that I was stressed out and upset and felt like he was pushing things off and didn’t have the guts to be up front about it — AND — I also told him that as I got older that my marketability for other relationships goes down the longer I stay with him and the older I get if he isn’t wanting to move forward. And yes, I did tell him in a blunt way, that he “need to shit or get off the pot” because I wasn’t going to wait forever in limbo if he wasn’t ready. He responded with, “you’re not going anywhere, you’ll be my wife one day and we’re going to have a family and a life together.”
I have been through a range of emotions over these last few months since Christmas. I am trying to stay positive here but this is really, really hard. I find that my emotional state is almost depressed, lackadaisical and not optimistic about my future. I’m starting to find that despite loving him as much as I do, that I’m ‘timing out’ emotionally from him. I am just at a point where I’m tired, tired of waiting, tired of promises made that weren’t kept, just tired. It’s affecting my attitude and my outlook on life in general. I find that the prospect of getting engaged is something that doesn’t even bring joy or excitement anymore. I feel like if he proposed now I don’t even know if I’d be excited like I would have been a year ago when the promises were made. I’ve explained all of this to him and all he says is that he’s ready and that “you need to be patient”, “it will happen”.
I’m about at the point where I’m thinking of walking at the end of this year if nothing has happened. Right now I live 15+ hours from any family, and chose to stay here with my SO instead of moving back to my home state. He is the only reason I am staying here aside from my job.
He is openly frustrated with me in return despite me being honest about the way I feel. He says he already has the ring and that he wants to make the proposal memorable and special for us so that we can look back on it together later in life.
I feel like I’m ready to move forward, he says he is too, but where is the ring and why has it been almost a year since he first told me he was going to propose? What would you do? How would you feel?