(Closed) SO keeps moving engagement… FRUSTRATED & NEED ADVICE!

posted 5 years ago in Waiting
Post # 4
Member
122 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I agree with everything you have said about your feelings on the matter.

I would tell your SO that you no longer want to discuss marriage, children, etc. until he decides that he is ready and actually proposes to you. Without the actual proposal, all of these things are just words. Words, as we all know, are not the same as actions.

I also wouldn’t be TTC with a man that has not made a lifetime commitment to you as of yet. Having a child would join the two of you for life and if he isn’t ready to join for life through marriage I sure as heck wouldn’t be trying to have a child with him, but that’s just my two cents.

If marriage and having children is important to you (and obviously it is by this post) I wouldn’t wait around much longer with your SO either. I’d stop talking/focusing/thinking about engagement, but I’d also make my mind up to stay until a certain date and if there isn’t any proposal by then I’d walk.

Post # 5
Member
849 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

Wow. This is a rough situation and I can understand your frustration. I’d be a little pissed if my Boyfriend or Best Friend had told me he was going to propose on a specific date and it didn’t happen. Especially if he had promised that not once but twice!

I’m not sure why he hasn’t proposed yet. But he does seem to love you and want to marry you someday. And I actually kind of resent him saying to you “be patient”. I am not a patient person myself and I hate when people tell me to be patient, it feels like they are minimizing my feelings in a way. 

My only advice that I can come up with is to join the Shut It Up Pact and maybe if you don’t bring it up anymore at all, he’ll propose sooner? That’s the only thing I can think of. Hopefully other Bees will have better advice for you. 

Post # 6
Member
556 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

My situation is nothing like yours, we are both 24, but we have been together for 8 years. My boyfriend keeps telling: “I can’t propose now or you will think it’s because we discussed this. You have to stop bring it up” after I told him how I felt hurt that after this many years together and living happy together for almost 2 years, we doesn’t see me as the one or important enough to propose. Anyway, I read your problem and as you are older then me, and wanting kids it’s important to you, I would have a serious talk with him, telling him how frustrated you are and how a late proposal will not be a happy occasion, and the thing you will remeber most it’s the months that toke him to do it, and the promises he broke.

 

If he is ready to move forward, why the wait? I would definatly set a date and leave if nothing happens, and also would stop TTC. He is not man enough to make you “an honest woman” how can he be a good father? Do you really want to be attached forever to a man that doesn’t seem to mind your own feelings? 

 

I know many bees rush to tell you to leave him but as a waiting bee I know how hard it can be when you trully love someone that you can’t imagine you leaving. Don’t rush your decision, but in the end, make sure you do what it’s right for you. And you are not “off the market”.

 

Post # 7
Member
2131 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

@BEE485: 

I have no clue as to why he made those empty promises to you and currently has the ring and still hasn’t proposed. I agree with PP stop TTC until he marries you. You seem to be very communicative with him, so he should be very clear about how you feel, I truly don’t understand why he has waited so long… Tell him his excuse of wanting a “memorable” proposal is invalid now because all you’re going to remember is how long he took…sheesh

Post # 8
Member
9142 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

I certainly wouldn’t be TTC with a guy I wasn’t married too, especially if we weren’t even engaged with a wedding date booked.  If he drags his heels this badly on the engagement, how bad is it going to be on setting an actual wedding date?

I would stop TTC and let him know that until there’s an engagement and marriage, you have already made enough commitments to this relationship and now it’s time for him to show you how committed he is.  

If you don’t own the house your are in together (hopefully you don’t or that’s another can of worms), then I would plan to end the relationship when your lease expires if he hasn’t yet proposed.

Finally, if you are worried about fertility issues then plan to get donated sperm if things don’t work out with this guy because otherwise if this guy leaves you pregnant and unmarried, you have to fight with him for child support and custody/visitation.  At least with donor sperm, the child is 100% yours.  My personal expiration date (i.e. the date I am buying donor sperm and doing it alone) is 35; it took a lot of the pressure off of TTC.

Post # 9
Member
859 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2018

@BEE485:

I agree you shouldn’t just be waiting like that.  It’s unfair to you.  Maybe money has something to do with why he hasn’t yet.

Personally I would tell him he gets one more time to propose and he can set the date whenever he wants and if that date passes and you have no ring or he has no proof that he bought one (sometimes they take longer to make) than you leave.  I would also let him take his time on when he wants to pick an engagement date so he doesn’t think your being to controlling.  I don’t think you should control him but he needs to respect you.

Post # 12
Member
2131 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

@BEE485:  Some of us have responded…???? Why do you keep bumping?

Post # 13
Member
1762 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

@MrsWe:  Maybe she just wanted to see the different responses..i guess but I do agree with you though 1+

Post # 14
Member
2131 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

@Serey:  Oh Ok..but all of our responses say pretty much the same thing…the only other responses would be what I think she wants to hear which is “He’s not stringing her along”…so she keeps bumping so someone will tell her what she wants to hear even if it isn’t true?

 

Post # 15
Member
2299 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

stop ttc-ing that’s for sure. 

that will at least make it super clear to him that you’re looking for a clear committment. i think the ‘you need to be patient’ business is ridiculous. unless you’ve left out a financial issue, death in the family or some other huge event you’ve BEEN patient for a year. 

if he hadn’t told you when he was going to propose, you wouldn’t have been ‘waiting’ like you are. so he can’t say ‘guess what?! here’s when i’m going to propose!’ and then get annoyed when you OBVIOUSLY follow up on wtf happened….a year later. 

if finances aren’t an issue, you could be engaged in an hour. proposals don’t require rings, and rings take an afternoon to buy. so it’s something else. probably not what you wanted to hear. 

stop ttc – ing tho. think about how you feel now – and then imagine being pregnant and still feeling rejected and like he’s not reliable/serious about you etc. that’s a total disaster waiting to happen – figure out your relationship before you add a child.

Post # 16
Member
40 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: February 2014

Ok, so I’ve got a different take on the situation.

It appears that OP is a take charge woman and has her s*t together. She knows what she wants and is chomping at the bit, frustrated at not being able to move forward.

OP, your life right now seems to be following the path of a checklist… Divorce done, check; awesome guy who dotes on me and talks about the future, check; moved in with said awesome guy, check; having a baby, working on it, so not checked off yet; proposal, hasn’t happened yet, you have no control over it and it is completely frustrating because you want to get a move on the life checklist already!; marriage, why oh WHY hasn’t he proposed yet?!, not checked off.

What I did not see in the initial explanation of your situation, is anything about HIS underlying feelings. I have many questions on the situation. Obviously, he wants to spend the rest of his life with you – what I see though, is a terrified SO. He has had long term relationships, the last being twice as long as you have been together, and that ended badly with him being cheated on and hurt. Did he end any of those relationships, or did every one of them end because she left him? You said you divorced and found out your Ex-husband was cheating on you AFTER the divorce – why did you leave him to begin with? Did you leave your husband for your SO, or was there just no more spark in the relationship? It seems to me like your SO is treating you like a queen, putting forth extra effort in the hopes that you won’t leave him. If the answer to any of the above questions is that all his exes left him, you left your husband for him, etc, he has every right to be afraid that no matter what you say, you may up and take off on him in 5 years – and it has absolutely nothing to do with you – it has everything to do with his past experiences.

I know you’re butting heads with your biological clock and you want this wonderful man to make the ultimate commitment with you, but I hate to say that you may have to develop some patience here and let him come to the realization that you’re not going anywhere and won’t hurt him. 2 ½ years is a tiny bit of a lifetime, he sounds great and I feel he deserves some more time.

My 2 cents, hope it helps.

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