Post # 1
I’ve now been married for 7+ months and can honestly say I’ve never been this lonely in a relationship in my life. He plays video games about 10 hours per day. He is disabled, so he is unable to work (has no desk job skills). I go to work 5 days per week, working full-time, and I would think that he could get off of his games when I get home so we can spend some time together, but he doesn’t. I’ve asked him repeatedly if he would. I’m not asking him to give them up completely, but for example, I have been home now from work for 6 hours, and he has literally been playing his video games the entire time I’ve been home. Here I sit on a Friday night listening to the annoying sound of video game machine guns. Is this how I get to spend the remainder of my life? He didn’t play this much before we got married.
We have sex maybe 3 times/month…maybe. When he’s present, he’s the man of my dreams and we have so much fun together, but it seems that our time together is fewer and further between as time goes on. I hate to say it, but I’m starting to regret marrying him.
Post # 3
@thmpper: Aww I’m sorry 🙁
Tell him straight – when you are home, the games are off, or they’re gone. He has all week while you’re at work to play them, there is no reason for him to play when you are home. Tell him you’re feeling neglected and that the time you have together should be quality, not a lonely time for you.
My SO feels I spend too much time on my smartphone, looking things up on the net. He’s right. It upsets him, so I make the effort to put the phone away and engage with him, because I care about how he feels.
So I think you need to be brutally honest, when you’re home together, that’s time for BOTH of you. Or the games go.
Post # 4
@thmpper: i agree with pp. you need to tell him how this makes you feel. ask him why he feels the need to play them all night too. don’t make an arguement of it or tell him he can’t play them. he needs to know that you are feeling lonely and that you would like to spend some quality time with him in the evenings. perhaps even suggest a game that the two of you can play together.
Post # 5
@thmpper: I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. I wish I had some advice for you. But all I have is a link to a YouTube video of a girl smashing up her boyfriends xbox. I hope it makes you feel better…
Post # 6
This sounds absolutely awful. I’m angry for you. Who does he think he is?? How can he possibly think that’s ok? And do you mean that he will NEVER get a job? I know the job market is tough and even more so im sure for the disabled but he needs to learn those desk job skills. Start temping. Start volunteering clerical services for a non profit! Ive been friends for years with a woman with CP and she finds a way to contribute and get some self esteem and self worth. whether it’s working part time or volunteering or helping a friend in need.
He needs to get off his ass and start being a life partner. Otherwise why the hell did he get married?? To be supported in every way possible while he can’t wen give you emotional support? I could never sign on to that. He made vows I’m assuming. Stand up for your needs. It sounds like he’ll keep taking and not giving as long as you put up with it.
Post # 7
How did you two meet?
Has he ever worked?
Did you guys made a plan or talked about how your life together was going to be?
Does he help around the house?
Post # 8
im sorry youre going through this, i went through this with my first husband, felt very ignored by the computer and video games. i do HR for home depot and we hire people with disabilities all the time, if you have any questions you can PM me, and i can see what i can do to help if youre interested 🙂 i hope things will change but yes you should tell him how unhappy it makes you. hopefully he will be open. those things are very addictive. im trying to ween my 10 year old off them now.
Post # 9
I’m sorry, I’m typically pretty against ultimatums, but this is an ultimatum situation to me. Cut down your video game time so we could do things together when I’m at home, or you’ll have to learn to live without me.
What he’s doing to you is extremely unfair, and profound neglect is a subtype of abuse. Granted, I consider it less serious than some other types of abuse, but you are absolutely in the right to put your foot down. Even if it leads to more problems because he resists, at least you will find out what you’re up against now rather than waiting until you’re even farther down this rabbit hole filled with the sounds of video game machine guns.
And for the record, I am in the camp that doesn’t believe people with disabilities should remain unemployed for life, unless they have already tried multiple approaches without success. Not only would he be helping you, he would help himself. Doing productive work and earning rewards for it in the real world is a very good thing for anyone to experience.
Post # 10
@thmpper: I think you need to be honest with him about how you’re feeling. My SO used to play video games like crazy 10-18 hours a day, he went through a spell of unemployment and that’s all he did, while I worked my butt off to pay our mortgage, bills etc. Eventually I just sat him down and told him I refuse to compete with a computer for his attention. I gave him the choice, he can be present and involved in our relationship or he can devote his time to his video games. I flat out told him if it’s the video games I can’t promise I’d be there when he was ready to make our relationship a priority. At frist he was really hostile and said I didn’t understand and I needed to get a hobby. I told him if what I wanted was to be in a relationship with myself I’d be single. We sat down and worked out an arrangement where 4 nights a week was our time to spend together and the other 3 were nights to do our own thing.
Three years later he still plays video games and we go through periods where he plays way more than I’d like but I remind him that I’m not going to compete with electronics for his attention and he’ll put them down and spend the evening with me. You might get some hostility but my suggestion is honesty is the best for this situation. He’s probably so involved with his games that it doesn’t even register how you’re feeling.
Post # 11
I’m so sorry, this is really awful. It sounds to me like maybe he is depressed…has he sought therapy? If I were you, I would give him the ultimatum: therapy or separation.
Post # 12
OP it is time for your hunsband to learn a lesson. I agree you need to put your foot down and make yourself the priority again. And if you work out an agreement like GonnaBeAFind I’d buy some noise cancelling headphones for your husband. He won’t hear you as well through them but you also won’t hear annoying video games noises leaking through them. Another thought, because my Fiance is a gamer too, is to get a universal remote and turn off his screen when he is ignoring you. (I’d need a universal remote in my case because Fiance plays both computer games and console games and each system is hooked up to a different monitor. At the moment though when I come home and take his headphones off it means it is time to pay attention to me.)
Post # 13
Why She Hates It, Why You Do It, and 6 Simple Ways to Make It a Non-Issue
I also have issues with my Darling Husband playing games when I feel like we could be spending time together. We talked about it one night (admittedly very heatedly) and I told him it needs to change so I don’t feel neglected and taken advantage of. One of our coinciding days off, he won’t log on to the computer until later in the evening after we’ve gotten a good day together. We both work, so I know he needs time to do what he enjoys, but there has to be balance.
Post # 14
Wow, this is deep. Im so sorry you are going through this.
Do you guys eve have dinner together at home or go out to dinner? Both of those would be the perfect time to bring it up. I read someplace that men deal with their depression of not being able to provide for their homes in a completely different manner. It seems as though his choice is video games because it helps him to escape his reality.
He needs a wake up call. His “fantasy” is temporary, and its not going to keep the bills paid. There are plenty of people who are disabled and still work *Walmart Greeters and the people in the dressing rooms* are just to name a few.
If you haven’t considered it, marriage counseling would really help the two of you.
Please keep us updated on the progress of this situation.
Post # 15
Thanks for all the suggestions. He is in a tremendous amount of pain 24/7, so I think he’s playing games to try to distract himself, to drown out the pain as best he can. It’s difficult enough living with someone in that much pain all the time, and I think that has a lot to do with our lack of intimacy as well. I think he tries to hide it from me because he doesn’t want me to worry about him. I don’t believe he could be employed because they have him on some pretty heavy duty pain killers. I wish he could find an envelope-stuffing job or something, but I just don’t even know if those kinds of home jobs exist anymore. I have told him time and again that the games are excessive. I have asked him if he could at least turn them off at 10 p.m. so that I’m not tossing and turning all night and having to get up the next morning for work exhausted. Last night he played until 12:45 a.m. Maybe he doesn’t understand how much it bothers me. I feel like I have voiced it many times, but maybe I’m not making him understand the seriousness of it. I sometimes feel very silly being jealous of an inanimate object, but the simple fact of the matter is I enjoy being with him, and I wouldn’t have gotten married if I wanted to be single, as someone else pointed out. I feel a little taken advantage of when he plays this much. For example, yesterday I did the dishes, cooked dinner, cleaned the kitchen, vacuumed, changed the bedding, and did laundry…all while he played video games. Usually when I complain like this he’ll snap out of it, and honestly I’ll probably go home to dinner cooked and something cleaned. I know he tries, usually, but there needs to be a better balance. I love him and of all the things that could be wrong with a relationship, this seems like a small thing to me. I was in a very emotionally and sometimes physically abusive marriage before, so I guess in comparison this doesn’t seem that bad. Then again, at times like this, it almost seems unbearable. I sometimes wonder if my expectations are too high. Nobody is perfect, right?
Post # 16
By the way, Saturday morning, I watched several videos of people destroying XBOX’s. I enjoyed it much more than I probably should have!