Post # 1
Hi everyone, the title pretty much explains it.
I’ve been with my SO for 2 years and today we had a conversation about his attraction to me. We’ve both been super stressed out lately (as you can see from my PP). We are struggling to keep up with our schooling while juggling work and 6 courses, it’s our final semester so in about a month and a half we have to move, we don’t have jobs yet, we don’t know where we’re moving yet because we don’t have jobs, we have to start packing up our place soon but we’re behind in our school work and just trying to keep up. He has been having a lot of family issues as well (his dad owes him $15,000 and won’t pay him back so he’s been talking to a lawyer while trying to preserve the relationship) and on top of it we aren’t sure if we’ll even have enough money for a first and last but we have no choice because we have to move. There’s a lot going on and it’s causing us to lose sleep and honestly it just doesn’t feel like we have enough time for anything.
This morning we had an honest conversation about how he’s been less attracted to me compared to when we first met and I was smaller. I’ve gained about 30 pounds since we’ve been together, mostly due to lack of excersize and bad eating habits. Since we’ve been so stressed lately we eat a lot of take out which I want to stop doing but it’s been hard for some reason. I would also really like to start excersizing again but I HATE the gym, it gives me a lot of anxiety because I’m not where I used to be physically and I’m embarassed about that, I don’t like people looking at me when I work out. So I’m having a hard time getting back into an excersize routine because I just feel lost and don’t know where to start. I don’t blame him for being less attracted to me either, it upsets me but it’s a reality and it’s not in his control. He said the main reasons he feels less attracted to me is becaus my weight gain is unhealthy (true) and that scares him but mostly because I’m not confident the way I used to be. He said he used to be so crazy into me at the beggining because I was so confident. Now I’ll flinch when he touches me and I don’t seem happy and he says that’s a big turn off. He even said the weight gain is the small part of the attraction lose it mostly comes from my lack of confidence.
I totally get it, and I have lost a lot of my self confidence! I know the best thing I could do is start eating healthier and working out but that’s going to take some time and I want to start building my confidence now. I feel like if I don’t start appreciating myself now, even when I do lose weight I won’t just magically have confidence.
I’m looking for some advice from anyone who’s had self confidence issues that worked on them and feel confident in themselves now. What helped you? What do you do to build your self worth and self confidence? I’m a little lost on where to start and what I can do that will actually work. Anyone been uncomfortable in their bodies and learned to love and embrace yourself? It does make me sad that he feels this way but I also understand why.
Post # 2
Life happens. Stressful things happen. People age and change. If you can’t support each other through it all then it’s not going to work out. If your SO is uncomfortable with your body changing, he’s going to have issues if you ever get pregnant or when you age. Work on your physical self if you feel you need that, but don’t do it for him. You have to do this for yourself. Take control of your nutrition, use a nutrition app if that’s your thing, go to the gym or yoga if that’s your thing. That’s not all though! You need to discover the part of yourself that is separate from your relationship. Spend time with your friends, do a hobby, meet people. If his dad can’t pay back the money then maybe you could stay with him until you can find a new place with your SO if he has the space?
Post # 3
I totally get it. Not the same as your situation but I’ve also felt bad about my body post baby weight gain and getting back into working out has helped A LOT. I don’t have time to go tothe gym but bought an elliptical, Walmart has some great ones for pretty cheap,they do the job and the endorphins get going. It wont solve your issues with your SO or family but seriously consider exercising, even at home, for yourself. Self-care is so important. Good luck.
Post # 4
I have totally been in these same shoes, and still struggle with it. And now in school I am surrounded by people who are in great shape and work out like crazy, and I’m just the former athlete who kind of let that all go on the back burner. I’m so uncomfortable in a gym. I totally get it.
I recommend that instead of trying to do a whole life change, figure out what you enjoy and start with those simple changes! Find new good foods that you enjoy, and make those better nutrition choices. If a gym isnt your thing What about a class of some sort? Personally, I’ve found classes to be SO much better for me for multiple reasons. Motivation, I dont have to think about it – I can just do it, accountability, its planned and intentional. Are there any new hobbies you’ve though about- hiking, biking, yoga? Find out what you enjoy, and YOU will be much happier, more confident, and will find that inner drive to better yourself.
Personally, I felt a change within myself when I started going group fitness classes (orange theory) and I found an eating pattern that I love (intermittent fasting). Slowly I moved in the direction I wanted, and my self confidence and self love improved. Now I have kind of backslid in my habits again and am having the same old feelings. But I know once I get back in to the swing of things I will feel better!
Post # 5
lauraspencer : “Anyone been uncomfortable in their bodies and learned to love and embrace yourself?” — Yes, I gained a lot of weight and lost a lot of confidence with my first pregnancy. My confidence returned when my husband kept telling me how gorgeous I am. When I feel like I need to drop some weight or get more disciplined with my diet or exercise, he is very supportive, but I have never ever — seriously, not once — wondered whether he’s attracted to me, because he makes sure I know that he is. I’m sorry your guy thinks that the way to get your confidence back is to tell you he’s not attracted to you anymore. I’d be devastated tbh, and then I’d be pissed and dump his shallow ass.
Post # 6
Thanks guys, I feel like I was a little unclear, he has never said he’s not attracted to me and he actually compliments me all of the time! He calls me the sexiest woman in the world, the most beautiful woman in the world, says he’s very attracted to me, etc… But lately I’ve been feeling less attractive and noticed he’s not quite the same as he used to be and I’ll ask him if he’s less attracted to me and he always says no. Today he said he wanted to be honest and that yes he was more attracted to me when I was smaller but he says it’s because my confidence really attracted him. My weight gain worries him and my lack of confidence now makes him feel a little less attracted to me. He says he’s still very attracted to me and is more attracted to me in other ways than he was before (emotionally, mentally, etc…). He’s really not an asshole, just doesn’t like seeing me down all the time.
Thanks for the suggestions, I’m looking into getting an elliptical now because I had no idea that they could be fairly cheap so awesome suggestion! Also a class is a good consideration, I used to love yoga and I do well when I’m being held accountable.
To be clear I want to do this for myself, I feel very unattractive and whenever my SO compliments me I never believe it and I just want to feel better. Him confirming what I already thought was like a kick in the butt, like ok, it’s time to start making some changes.
Post # 7
You don’t have to go to the gym to exercise. There are so many workout videos on YouTube for free and several subscription services you could pay for that do workout videos. And many don’t require any equipment or just a set of dumbbells. Running is also great and you don’t need a gym for that either! I recently signed up for a half-Marathon and have really been enjoying the training process and it makes me feel better about my body because I feel myself getting stronger (I did also lose 50lbs before I started running but am still working on 20-30 more and running has made me much more confident).
Post # 8
We learn beauty. Thin is what we see everywhere, what is held up as the only way to be beautiful. Fuck that bullshit. If you seek out images of beautiful, confident fat women and expose yourself to them consistently, you will start to recognize there’s no right way to be beautiful. It’s not easy. It takes work, but if you do this and seek out true body positive (read, fat acceptance) communities, you can learn another way. You can be healthy and fat. You can be beautiful and fat. You can be confident and fat. Bottom line.
Post # 9
And tons more.. those are just the ones I follow.
Post # 10
He may not have said he’s not attracted to you, but he did tell you he’s less attracted than when you were “smaller.” Is there really much difference? Personally, I’d break up on the spot with anyone who let those words past their lips. How’s that for showing confidence?
Eat healthy and work out for yourself, not him. But you can do better.
Post # 11
So you’re supposed to have the same level of attraction towards your partner no matter what they look like and how much they weigh? That’s bullsh*t and unrealistic, if I doubled in weight and became morbidly obese I would expect my partner to be somewhat less attracted to me. She asked him a question and he gave her an honest answer, she knows she’s gained a significant amount of weight due to living an unhealthy lifestyle, it’s completely reasonable that he would be a bit less physically attracted to her, especially if she’s lost a lot of confidence.
I say this as someone whose weight goes up and a down and has a partner who struggles with her weight. People aren’t blind, if your physique changes substantially (for me 30 pounds would be a big change in how I look) then it’s to be expected that your partner may be somewhat less physically attracted to you, saying he’s a jerk and she should dump him is having unrealistic expectations of attraction in relationships imo. You cannot expect someone to maintain the same level of attraction to you no matter what you weigh or look like.
Post # 12
I’m a stress eater and I’ve gained a fair amount of weight over the past six months, finally starting to work at getting rid of it. I understand not being happy with your current body, I am presently quite unhappy and self conscious about mine.
That said, my confidence is at a recent high because it doesn’t come from how I look but who I am, what I’m accomplishing, how I touch other people’s lives. I’m a kick ass woman when I’m thinner and when I’m not. Confidence is attractive.
It’s easy to get bogged down with all the things that are hard right now. Try to cut yourself some slack and give yourself credit for what is going right–you have worked hard and will soon graduate from your program. Attraction issues aside, it sounds as if you have a good relationship with someone who loves you. There may be a great deal of uncertainty but also excitement ahead of you.
Exercise is a great stress reliever. There are plenty of things you can do without going to the gym, start with going for a walk or trying out some of the many at-home programs suggested by PPs. Can’t fit in a half an hour at a time? Carve out ten minutes three times a day. You will be more productive as a result.
Different bodies respond to different eating changes, I usually get quick results when I cut carbs, dairy and alcohol for a while and that quick scale change keeps me going to add more changes. You’ve got this, Bee. Hugs.
Post # 13
lauraspencer : while taking care of your physical health is jmpimportand it is something you should work on, I think you really need to separate your confidence issues from your physical appearance.
It doesn’t sound like his issue is your body. It’s how the changes to your body have affected the way you behave around him. And I totally get that. When your partner flinches when you touch them, regardless of the reason, it hurts and feels like rejection. It happens enough times and now you’ve learned to associate touching them with negative feelings, so naturally you will feel less attracted and less interested in touching them.
You need to learn to separate your sense of worth from your body because your body will always be changing. It’ll gain and lose weight. It’ll age and sag. It’ll break and bruise and discolour. If your self worth is too closely tied to your body that makes it extremely volitile.
Your SO can help by reminding you of the many reasons he loves you that have nothing to do with your body, and you can help by focusing your energy on the things that make you feel smart and powerful and wanted – the things you’re good at and the things others like about you.
Post # 14
- Wedding: June 2007 - City, State
lauraspencer : you’re totally contradicting yourself. The title of your post is “SO losing attraction to me, how to build self confidence”. You implied your confidence in yourself rests in what you weigh and what you look like and that he feels the same.
Here’s the deal: if your confidence as a person is based on your appearance and not your character and ability as a person you will never be happy. Why? Because your body is always going to change, pregnancy, aging, stress.
If you want to lose weight to get healthier for yourself then do it. Don’t lose weight for him or his attraction to you because it’s not sustainable.
Self confidence, like real true don’t give a shit what people think comfortable in your own skin confidence, has nothing to do with appearance. Its feeling the same about yourself 30lbs overweight in sweatpants that you do at your “perfect” weight in a spectacular outfit. It’s all internal and perspective and it comes from being loved unconditionally…by your spouse and the people around you and also yourself. So unfortunately, you probably won’t ever achieve that, being with someone who liked you better when you were “smaller”.
Also following fitspo Instagram accounts is terrible advice.
Post # 15
All I can say is I was in the same situation you are where we started dating a year and a half ago and I was 127lbs, and now I am 167lbs. BIG diference. My boyfriend has never said his attraction has changed towards me and he loves me more than ever. He is a very active guy and goes to the gym almost daily as that is how he relieves stress. He encourages me to be active but is very clear in saying he doesn’t think I am fat AT ALL. I am now dieting again and I feel much better about myself. This time I am going to try to get down to 135lbs as I feel that is much more reasonable to maintin than 127. I think it is good to be honest and open with your partner about being in shape and attraction and I think it is fair for both people to maintain themselves to a certain degree. But I am not exactly sure in your boyfriends case his loss of attraction is really fair or appropriate. To be only 2 years in and 30lbs and a bout of you being a bit less confident is making him lose attraction? It does make you wonder what his level of love for you really is. Because we all look like crap sometimes and we all want someone who loves us no matter what. Its not like you gained 100 lbs. There are men out there who will love you no matter what, will be attracted to you through your ups and downs in life as those do happen. If you at any point feel that the way he loves you has conditions that you aren’t ok with, know that its ok to leave and find someone more suited to you.