SO losing attraction to me, how to build self confidence

posted 4 months ago in The Lounge
Post # 32
11612 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

zzar45 :  You mean the insulting comment you are dismissing? The  OP’s lack of confidence is not exactly helped by that. My strong hunch is despite what he claims it’s the smaller piece of this. 

And yes, OP is not married to the guy and needn’t work anything out. 

Post # 35
11612 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

lauraspencer :  I hear you, but I stand by my opinion that his comment was awful. 

Post # 36
4990 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

weddingmaven :  Personally I don’t think anything in his comments was an insult and it definitely doesn’t mean like he meant any of it as an insult.   I would rather be in a relationship the sort of relationships where concerns can be shared in a positive and helpful way so that we can grow together as a couple.  I personally would be less physically attracted to my fiance if he because insecure in a way he wassn’t before, flinched when i touched him, avoided sex, wanted the lights off the few times it did happen etc.  I don’t think there is anything cruel or insulting in that. 


Post # 37
1160 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2019 - USA

weddingmaven :  If you can’t have an honest conversation with your partner about your relationship and attraction to each other, then there isn’t a reason to try to work anything out. I agree with you there. 

lauraspencer :  Kudos to you for diving into this issue and trying to find a solution together with your partner. You guys are going to be just fine. 

Post # 38
4990 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

lauraspencer :  OP it sounds like you are aware you haven’t been feeling as secure in yourself recently.  Many of us go through bouts of feeling less confident and getting your diet in order and getting some exercise is a great way to bring that confidence back.  I personally view it as a ‘fake it until you make it’ sort of thing.  You start working out, looking a bit better in your old clothes and you have an immediate boost to your confidence. Then you start to notice the good things more, in yourself, your relationship, your life.  Every day that you keep that positivity going your confidence goes a little deeper and stronger. 

Post # 39
200 posts
Helper bee

I have been on the flip side of this.  My prior relationship lasted for almost a decade.  About halfway through the relationship, my ex gained 50 pounds.  He’s short, so there was a very noticeable difference.  My physical attraction to him definitely plummeted.  For me, physical attraction is not mostly mental like another poster said.  There is a big visual component.  Emotional attraction Is what’s more mental for me.  I didn’t break up with him because of it, though, because I still loved him.  But once the physical attraction part took a dive, it felt more like a friendship than a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship.  

In my early 20s, I gained 20 pounds.  I’m very petite so it was significant on my frame.  It made me feel less confident.  I looked worse, but I was also disappointed in myself because I knew my weight was in my own control and I had let it spiral.  I started counting my calories with MyFitnessPal.  Once I took control back of my body and lost the weight, I felt so much better.  I think that was another component of the loss of attraction for my boyfriend with me.  I knew he could control it and do something about it, but he wouldn’t commit to changing.  It felt like he didn’t care about looking good for me or feeling better about himself (he hated that he gained weight and didn’t feel good physically). 

I wish the OP luck!  Unlike a few other posters, I think it was actually quite caring of her boyfriend to tell her the truth.  


Post # 39
1671 posts
Bumble bee

I don’t see an issue with what the OP’s bf said. 

And OP, to answer your original question,  I tend to feel the same way when I’m heavier. I’m small, so I’ve at most had a 15 pound swing over the last 10 years, and when I was at my heaviest I just felt awful. Like my movement felt stilted and I felt just so bloated. I think it’s just a natural reaction to being heavier than your set point. It was impossible for me to feel confident at that point because it was just so physically uncomfortable. Shedding the pounds and getting back down to the weight that more fits my frame was all that works for me, unfortunately. 

Post # 40
1368 posts
Bumble bee

OP, I find looking at IG’s of body positive women with a similar weight/frame as me helps with my confidence. If they can work it, so can I!

Post # 41
9563 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

This is a side note but what’s up with dudes who get sexually turned on by the thought of a woman carrying their baby? Am I missing the sexy factor?

Post # 42
762 posts
Busy bee

I’m torn on this one.

Maybe because I have always been obsessed with my weight since I was little from being bullied and I’m super sensitive to anything weight-related, I’m kind of biased, but I can kind of see both sides of this one.

I doubt he means to upset her, and physical attraction is important. And weight is such a hot button issue! It’s hard to be honest about this kind of stuff.

I think the OP’s partner means well and the explanation makes sense, but the fact that he did kind of admit he found her more attractive when she was smaller (and more confident of course!!), I think that would really hurt. And I think that would always be in the back of my mind.

It’s a bit hard to tell if it is JUST the confidence he misses or if any part of it was her being skinnier that he found attractive and I think that’s what would really bother me. I know in the update he says it isn’t, but personally, I would really struggle to feel comfortable. 

I’m sorry OP, this is not easy to come back from. But if you trust your partner and think you can work through it then you should. With my own history, I don’t think I could, but I have my own issues with weight so not sure how much help I am

Post # 43
2553 posts
Sugar bee

I find my husband more attractive now that he has lost most of his beer gut than I did 10 months ago, when the beer gut was at its biggest.

Part of that is visual and part has to do with his confidence level. His sex drive was lower back then, and he was more moody – because he felt bad about himself. He feels better about himself lately and his sex drive has sky rocketed. His mood is better as well, which makes me feel “safer” with him emotionally, which makes me more attracted. 

Even had he kept the beer gut, even had it grown throughout our marriage, I would still love him deeply and I’m sure we would still have a good, satisfying sex life.

But with him maintaining his health, physique, confidence level, and good mood, we have an AMAZING sex life. 

Since I maintain all those things, it feels more equal when we both do. It feels like we are at the same level.

None of that is to say one or both of us might not fall off in the future, as life’s stressors get in the way. None of that is to say I would ever fall out of love with him or leave him over physical attributes. 

But I sure as hell find him sexier and more attractive when he puts effort into maintaining his physique and health and when he feels more confident and happier as a result.

And as much as he loves me, I know for a fact he’d find me slightly less attractive if I ever gained 30+ lbs (a 30% increase for me.) That’s a visual thing. He’d love me just as much, we’d still have sex. But he’d find me a little less attractive, I’m sure. 

But our relationship/bond isn’t based on a foundation of visual attraction. Visual attraction is more of a… perk. So I don’t think it’s some horrible, awful thing to (when your partner asks) honestly state that one of the perks is sliding off a bit. 

PS – Darling Husband thinks I’ll be sexy while pregnant. I think this goes back to Fertile=Sexy in our primal brains? Like, if an hourglass figure signals fertility, actually BEING pregnant beats that every day. lol

Editing to actually answer the OP:
– Buy a Meditteranean cook book with simple, easy-to-make meals.
– Eat separately from your partner if he seems to be eating badly a lot.
– Make a few “rules” for yourself that you follow 80+% of the time. (Only eat take out 1 x/week, maybe on the 4th week of the month, you cut yourself a break and eat out twice)
– Try cutting out or limiting the main inflammatory culprits like gluten, dairy, and saturated fat (one at a time, don’t go crazy!)
– look up home workout hastags on Inst and follow the best accounts (#homeworkouts, #nogym, #nogymnoproblem, #homeworkout)
– Start small. If you can literally just block out 30 minutes a day, that will jump start EVERYTHING.

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