Post # 1
I know WeddingBee isn’t about judgement, but I’d just like to say first off if you’re going to judge me, please don’t post.
My fiance and I are miles and miles away from each other. We see each other about once a month, if that. I was supposed to move in with him in the next couple months, but he can’t pay his half of the rent, so it looks like I will be staying where I am. When we’re apart, we fight. We fight over everything – I kid you not.
Anyways the fighting leads to him saying he loves me more – and it bugs me. He fights over the fact that I met a friend (a male friend) and wanted to hang out. He fights over the fact I hang out and party with my female friends, but when he wants to go out he doesn’t even tell me.
Well last night I was at said male friend’s house with J (female friend), and we were just chatting and he kissed me. Nothing else happened – we just kissed. The thing is I don’t feel bad. I don’t feel the need, nor desire to tell my fiance. I’m not even sure I want to be with him when he’s like this. Our wedding date is about 11 months away, so I realise I have lots of time to tell him I’d like to call off the marriage and seperate, but I’m not sure if that’s what I want.
I certainly do not want to tell him what happened in the least, and if we did call off the wedding, I would not go to this man instead. I would be single again. I’m young so I’m not worried about not getting married later, I’m just worried that this is abnormal. I know girl that have gone through it and are now happily married for years and their husbands never knew, but I’m not sure at all I can deal with the fact that he wants to control me, that I shouldn’t have fun with my gals, and that if I do, I get lectured because I turn off my cell phone and don’t respond to any messages.
Is this a sign that I should let go and move on, or do I try and fix things through a computer screen and phone lines? I can’t seem to get him to be reasonable with me, and I can’t seem to desire to fix things right now. I love him, but I do want to have a life outside of him….
Post # 3
- Wedding: March 2010 - Calamigos Ranch
This is a hard one. Breaking up is hard to do, but I think if you find yourself kissing someone else and not even feeling guilty about it, the first relationship is probably over. What still ties you to him, if you can do this and not feel badly? If you don’t live with him, don’t share bills with him, or a child or a pet, AND you’re okay with kissing someone else? Maybe it’s time to move on.
Post # 4
My fiance and I are long distance too, so I am right there with you.
The pattern of controlling behavior can lead to abuse. You don’t deserve that, and you don’t deserve double standards (it’s ok for him to go out but not for you, like you mentioned above).
If I were you, I’d be signing up for couple therapy. It sounds like you still love him, so if you want to save the relationship I would look to therapy.
*hugs* This must be really hard. Hang in there and good luck!
Post # 5
We actually do share a pet, and we were childhood sweethearts. I do love him, I just cannot stand that he’s trying to control me, and I believe that’s why I don’t feel guilty. The mroe he holds me down, the more I want to rebel.
I want to travel – he can’t due to visas. I want to do eight years of school – he thinks it’s a waste. I want to move in with him – he can’t pay his half of the rent. And I miss him very much, but I don’t miss him when he’s like this.
Post # 6
It doesn’ sound like an overall happy relationship to me. You’re not guilty, you dont’ get to see him often and you fight all the time. Being in a long distance relationship myself (going on four years…i haven’t seen my husband in over a month and it’ll be end of august by the time i do, yep military) i can tell you that what you’re going through is not normal for someone who doesn’t see their SO very often. And he sounds jealous and/or controlling. He doesn’t even want you going out with your friends? Warning sign.
If it doesn’t feel right in your heart, I think you owe it to him to have a talk and tell him your’e reconsidering. If you fight all the time now, what makes you think it’ll stop when you get married and you live together? I think in your head and heart youv’e moved past him but you haven’t physically broken it off.
It sounds like you are in different places in your lives and maybe it’s just time. Just b/c you’ve been together forever doesn’t mean you owe him your future if you aren’t happy sweetie.
If he holds you down now, he will continue to do so. It’s a bad cycle and it’ll get worse, and like a previous poster said, possibly abusive. Emotionally if not physically.
Post # 7
I agree with the poster above who suggested looking into couples therapy… it sounds like you’re not really ready to commit to marriage with this man yet, but if you’re not ready to give up on the relationship yet either, then I’d suggest talking to a counselor together. I know how difficult long-distance can be, but it sounds like that’s not your only issue right now, and it’s certainly better to work these problems out — or not — before you make anything official.
Post # 8
You mentioned that you were childhood sweethearts?
Have you even been with/dated someone else?
Do you think maybe you are scared to let go because you don’t know anything else?
You don’t seem happy and life is too short not to be happy! When you picture the rest of your life is he in it? If so… counseling would be your best bet but it may be really really hard with the distance. If not… It may be time to say good bye!
Post # 9
He may be becoming more controlling because he feels you slipping away. Couples counseling is definitely a way to go, but maybe some individual counseling could be beneficial to helping you sort things out.
I hope you find a clear path to what you want.
Post # 10
I’m not sure how to help here, but I certainly understand the distance thing. It puts a ridiculous strain on some people. Especially me. It just hurt to be constantly apart, when we were, and I would fight w/ him over every stupid thing. But, it was never about other people. We fought b/c it was a release of all the frustration built up from being apart… clearly not the healthiest release, but w/e we were young and it sucked.
Long distance relationships are hard.
However, I do think if this was IT for you… you would be feeling some guilt and would feel the need/want to tell him.
I have a friend that cheated on her guy… and she’s planning to marry him… she has never told him. So I don’t know how thats going to turn out since its not happened yet!
I really believe honesty is the answer. Somehow, the truth always comes out… better now rather than later.
Post # 11
I have to say…when me and my guy are long distance, we fight way more. We are okay when we see eachother on weekends, but when we get to longer stretches we really start blowing up over little things. I do think, however, if it doesn’t bother you to have kissed another guy, maybe your heart doesn’t really belong to your fi. You seem completely okay with the decision to be single (based on the undertone of your writing). Also the other thing that stuck out to me is the paying the rent thing. Maybe you are worried he won’t be able to support you as well, especially if you want to explore the world. I think that you can explore the world as a couple though. Just my couple of thoughts. Good luck with figuring it out.
Post # 12
This sounds almost exactly like a relationship I had with my first boyfriend. It was really hard to break up and at the time I was very upset, but in my heart I knew the way he treated me wasn’t right. Go with what you feel is right, even if it’s hard. If you have any good friends/family in your area that know him, try talking to them. Sometimes those closest to you can provide you some insight you never would have thought about; and, if things don’t work out, they’ll be there for you.
If you really want things to work out, then I think you should have a serious talk with him and get everything out in the open. Trust and honesty are really important in a relationship and by hiding something then that’s damaging things. He’ll end up finding out eventually. Also, as mentioned above, try counseling together (or separately) to try and clear your head and focus on what you want.
Post # 13
You’re young, you have goals… Reach your goals single!! There’s no reason to rush into marriage… Or stay in a relationship when you want to stray. If you’re meant to be together, you will get back together.
If you plan on being in school for 8 years, imagine where you’re going to be in 8 years! I began college 8 years ago… single, immature, scared. Now I’m getting married, bought a house, have two dogs (a third passed away last year :()… My fiance is nothing like the guys I dated in college, and if I had married one of them, I’d be in a world of regret.
I hope you make the decision that will make you happiest.
Post # 14
You don’t sound happy and that is no way to start a marriage. You sound like you have a list of things you want to do and that are important to you and he’s not willing. Marriage is about partnership and being support for your SO. This is a hard decision to make and shouldn’t be taken lightly but sharing a pet and being high school sweethearts are not reasons to get married. Please don’t feel like you have to follow through on this because of that. My best friend called off her wedding the weekend of her first bridal shower because she knew it wouldn’t work and she wouldn’t ever be happy. Best thing she ever did. She’s now happily married with a 4 year old and her new man is perfect for her and her lifestyle.