(Closed) So lost right now…please help

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 17
Member
4846 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I would be getting away from him, filing charges, filing a restraining order, and filing for divorce immediately. This man is terrifying. I really hope you are safe. 

Post # 18
Member
46 posts
Newbee

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@HappySky7:  filing charges? No crime has been committed, so that would be an emotionally taxing and pointless endeavor for the OP that could further enrage her husband. Please be careful about the advice you give to people in abusive situations. It can be incredibly dangerous to advise people to do things like file charges/file protective orders without more information. I have no doubt you mean well but I would really encourage you to be mindful of all of the possible outcomes when it comes to responding to threads involving abuse. 

Post # 19
Member
4846 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

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@DVhelp:  I guess you missed the part where the OP asked “what would you do”?. Threatening someone is a crime where I come from. Maybe it’s different where you are. 

Post # 20
Member
46 posts
Newbee

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@HappySky7:  The OP did not describe any threats. 

Post # 21
Member
4846 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

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@DVhelp:  The stuff where he calls her a whore, etc. Sounds like verbal abuse to me. His behavior is certainly threatening. Please advise the OP on what she asked intead of threadjacking to argue my opinion. 

Post # 22
Member
1119 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

You don’t know what you do next? In your shoes I’d file for a goddamn divorce. Don’t get sucked into the never-ending cycle of abuse and apologies. I’d get a lawyer and file as soon as possible. Start recording any and all communications between the two of you, including texts and voicemail, so when he eventually starts with the verbal abuse, you have proof.

Leaving isn’t easy. It’s hard to give up on a relationship you’ve worked hard at. But his behavior is getting worse, not better, and you need to remember to care for yourself and your own well-being. Good luck, OP.

Post # 23
Member
2142 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

Go and don’t look back. He’s an abuser and it’s not going to change! You don’t deserve to be treated this way! Do you want to spend your whole life that way?

Post # 24
Member
1882 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@Whatwouldyoudo999:  i stayed with a dude like that for almost 5 years because I was naive and thought that if I changed my behavior, he would see how much I love him and stop being jealous of every male in my vicinity. it didn’t stop even though I tried so hard never to make him jealous. Every time I was not with him and not immediately picking up my cell, I was accused of cheating. Every time I was out with friends, even with gay friends at a gay bar, he was convinced I was out looking for someone else. I was desperately unhappy… It destroyed a part of me. The accusations beat me down. I felt like I was always walking on eggshells. 

if he refuses therapy, I would file for divorce immediately.

 

Post # 25
Member
1487 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@Whatwouldyoudo999:  His problems extend beyond hurt over his last gf cheating. You say he is estranged from friends and family bc of his personality. He needs solo therapy if he wants to have functional healthy relationships. You can’t do that for him.

Post # 26
Member
181 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

My advice is leave him. I believe it will only get worse. Every time he finds a reason to be jealous, his rage will progress a little further and a little further. He’ll start breaking things as he yells at you and it WILL progress to physical abuse. It doesn’t matter how nicely he treats you the other 99% of the time because you don’t deserve to be treated horribly even 1% of the time. Get out now before it gets worse and you regret not leaving sooner. Nobody should have to walk on eggshells around the person they love.

I stayed with a man for three years who was extremely jealous and had a very bad temper. I had to avert my eyes every time a man would walk by because he would immediately look at me to see if I was looking at him. His behavior progressed to the point where I was afraid of him. He would yell at me and call me names and constantly accuse me of cheating on him. He began breaking my things when he would get angry over imaginary flirting and innocent conversations. Eventually it became physical. I changed who I was to be with him. Then one day, I decided that I wanted to be me again. I didn’t want to live my life trying to make another person happy who wasn’t going to be happy no matter how much I changed for him and tried to prove that I loved him. It was a huge relief to be free of him and I hope you find your peace as well.

Post # 27
Member
1263 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

@Whatwouldyoudo999:  Wow, that is pretty psycho behaviour.  I would say what he does would easily be considered mental abuse, and by how much it has escalated (even talking to a man makes you a “whore” – NOT the word you say to a person you love), I could very easily see this becoming physical. He is trying to isolate you from other so you have no way out when he starts beating you.

He needs longterm and extensive therapy. But, whether you think you should be around him while he gets that or not is up to you.  I personally would leave.

If you want to try to stay with him in the long term, you could say that you will separate, and you will not come back until he has not only been faithfully seeing a therapist, but improved, for months. And that the moment he shows any old behaviour, you’re gone. But honestly, that is far more than you need to do, and I am concerned for you.  

You need to make clear to him that whether you leave or not, his behaviour is completely abnormal and wrong, and he needs therapy asap if he ever wants any semblance of a healthy relationship with anyone.

Post # 28
Member
30 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: March 2014

First off, I’m sorry you have to deal with this!

I agree with most of what everyone else has said. You are clearly a smart woman and I think you know somewhere deep down he won’t change. I disagree about getting therapy although as several have pointed out, each situation is different. I’m sure he does need therapy. I tend to be in the “leave and never look back” camp, but that’s coming from my background.

I was with my ex for a few years before meeting my Fiance and I never categorized his behavior as mental abuse because it wasn’t outright threats or insults. But the controlling and paranoid behavior puts stress on you and makes YOU feel like you are responsible for changing and fixing things. You are not. I’ve been there– although it never escalated to physical abuse, I was deeply unhappy and knew long before I gave up that I was not in a good and healthy relationship. The occassional heated argument is one thing, but the “walking on eggshells” feeling is a huge red flag. You need to be able to live your life without worrying about what will happen behind closed doors!

Please take care of yourself. Only you know what is right for you, but from the sounds of it, I think you know what that is already.

 

Post # 29
Member
2297 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

@Whatwouldyoudo999:  even if he agrees to counselling you should NOT go back home yet. this is the kind of volatile situation that can escalate really quickly. he clearly has mental health issues, paranoia, anger problems and ZERO ability to control them.

 

if he thinks you’re leaving or going to divorce him, he might snap (and at this point, might is charitable, i think he WILL) and hurt you. you need to be VERY careful – he’s an abusive person with very little to lose, zero coping skills who uses threats to manipulate you and get his way. 

 

i’d divorce him – immediately. every day you spend with someone who calls you a whore, swears at you and has so little respect for you and your marriage that he threatens to divorce you constantly is a wasted day. if you had a daughter/mother/sister in this situation, what would you tell them? to leave of course, because this is a DISASTER of a situation.

Post # 30
Member
130 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2015

It is easy to overlook someone’s poor behaviour when you are in the heady throes of love, getting engaged etc. But now that you have settled into married life, and he “has” you, you are more aware of his personality issues and he is possibly worse, because in his mind, he may feel he is allowed to, now that you are his wife. Some men see their wife as their property. So, when you talk to a man, in his twisted mind you are betraying him, and you aren’t allowed to do that because(in his mind) you belong to him.

As someone who has been in your situation, I know it is very difficult to consider leaving him. Have you tried to calmly discuss with him how his behaviour affects you? Have you tried to set some sort of boundaries with him? After all, there is nothing wrong with you talking to another man. Perhaps you could tell him how his raging and abuse makes you feel. And you could point out to him that you are allowed to talk to other men.

He really needs to go to counselling. But it may not work for him to go on his own, as he is unlikely to see that he is doing anything wrong.

I’m really sorry to hear that you are going through this. I hope you can resolve it. I certainly couldn’t. My ex would not go to counselling and could not see he was doing anything wrong.

 

 

Post # 31
Member
11373 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

View original reply
@DVhelp:  

Yes, please!  No couples’ counseling when there is abuse.  I can personallt attest to how dangerous that is.  Even more so if the therapist isn’t skilled in dealing with abuse.  Not all therapists are.

This guy doesn’t have “anger issues”–he’s an abuser.

 

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