(Closed) So lost right now…please help

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 32
Member
3683 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

View original reply
@HappySky7:  Calling someone a whore is verbal abuse, but it is not a threat and not anything the police will do anything about.  They’ll only get involved if he comes out and tells her he is going to physically harm her.  Or does physically harm her.  

 

Post # 33
Member
11373 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

The OP already said they had a “knock down drag out” fight.  That sounds physical to me.

In any case, there is plenty of verbal & emotional abuse going on.

Before I left my abuser, I did whatever it took to placate him to try to keep myself safe.  I did not confront him, threaten him, etc.  My goal was to get out alive, not to try to win an argument.

Post # 34
Member
2393 posts
Buzzing bee

@Whatwouldyoudo999:  

I also know that this can be fixed and that I love him with all my heart because 99% of the time he is the sweetest most loving husband anyone could ask for.

It doesn’t matter if he’s great 99% of the time when he’s controlling and abusive 1% of the time.

The 1% outweighs the 99%.

If he were prince charming for 99 days in a row, and on the 100th day he punched you in the eye, would you think that was OK? 

This is not OK. 

Many years ago, I was involved with a guy who was a prince 99% of the time, and emotionally abusive 1% of the time.

Like you, I was positive that this could be fixed, because why would I want to give up on a guy who was wonderful 99% of the time? 

He would not go to counseling with me so I went by myself. And I’ll never forget the analogy my therapist made when I continued to insist that this could be fixed. She said the elements of our relationship were like a dozen roses, except that one of the roses was so black, rotten, foul and nasty that it spoiled the whole bouquet. 

That visual analogy helped me to understand that just because someone is nice 99% of the time does not mean that you should twist yourself into knots trying to save the relationship.

Abusive, controlling behavior is not like a bad habit that can be broken with counseling. It is a profound character flaw that goes very deep into the psyche. Abusive behavior is not acceptable, 1% of the time or ever, period. 

Post # 35
Member
330 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I know a lot of people always say “couples counselling” for this type of post but some things need to be walked away from, not worked through. 

We are trained to think that working through issues is the harder choice and therefore the right one but it’s not always the case. Sometimes it can be really hard to just walk away. As horrible as an abusive relationship is, it can be easier staying in one than facing the unknown. 

You had the courage to walk away. Please stay away. 

 

Post # 36
Member
373 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014 - Beach

Okay.. first of all I’m sorry that you are going through all that, but  i have a different opinion than some of the bees here so please bare with me. Some people say leave and get a divorce while maybe this is the rational thing to do people are foreting that you really love him and waking is not that easy as it seems. You have also said that 99 % of the time he is the sweetest husband so it seems to me that he is not a bad person. I would recommend you to keep staying at your parents for some days till everything cools down and you cant start thinking straight. you either sit down and talk or if you have the feeling that you have done that with no results i would recommend couples counselling. From the stories you tell i get the impression that your husband is so hung up on you that its turning into cliginess and jealousy. Does he have friends? does he have a guys night out or is it always both of you or you alone with your friends? encourage him to go out with his friends or even make new friends. maybe do something with your friends husbands or so? that way you will have some distance and if you want to go out with your friends this wont be an issue anymore. I think you should also talk to him about the name calling. you are a resepcatble woman who does not need her husband to call her names. make a list of things you want to fix in the relationship and talk to him about it. if he is willing to change try again and see 🙂 good luck

Post # 37
Member
134 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

My ex husband was like this- and as far as I know, he still has his moments with his current girlfriend. I would be called a whore just because he thought I looked at someone. That continued just up until I met my husband. I would get phone calls at 2 am when he was on his way home from work (as in home to his girlfriend), and he would do nothing but call me a stupid whore and a bitch and whatnot. Mind you, we had been separated over a year, and DIVORCED for 6 months. 

He is changing his mind so often because it controls you. You actually taking off was a good start. I would consider personal counseling and insist he do the same. If he doesn’t, I would definitely look for a lawyer and get a divorce started. Good luck

Post # 39
Member
118 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

View original reply
@Whatwouldyoudo999:  Please bring someone with you when you go back to get your things.  Even though he says he will leave, he may use it as an opportunity to corner you. Your dad, a friend, sometimes even the police will do an escort on a non emergency basis. 

Post # 40
Member
1317 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014 - NH

I wouldn’t stay with anyone who calls me a whore.  Screw that.  If he’s willing to get counseling and you both find that there’s improvement, that’s fine but bring everything up in counseling and don’t move back in with him until ever issue has been addressed. Set clear boundaries before moving back in and stick with them.

Post # 41
Member
2869 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@Whatwouldyoudo999:  Good for you for sticking up for yourself and not internalizing his accusations and refusing to be a victim. I don’t think you should return unless you feel completely secure that he had changed his behavior.

Post # 42
Member
723 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

@Whatwouldyoudo999: I would absolutely take him up on his offer for a divorce. He is an abusive asshole and he will not get better. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. 

Post # 43
Member
4697 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

View original reply
@Whatwouldyoudo999:  Good for you. No one should stay in a relationship where there partner doesn’t help them to be a better version of themselves. I hope for your sake he changes, but be realistic and put yourself first. 

 

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